DUI Test Perfect Score

Comedy, thy name is Reno 911.

Nice moves. I used to be quite the dancer in my day too. Even when drunk, I always managed to find the toes of everyone else on the dance floor and crush them under my enormous stomping feet.

I have to know, what if the cop knows you are drunk but you can pass every test given, do you get a prize? Maybe they give you a free ride to the bar and buy you a few more rounds just to be sure. Then they put you behind the wheel of a car that has not passed safety inspection, like one wheel is bent, the steering is so loose if you touch it just the wrong way the steering wheel pops off and the brakes don't work. The driver flips the car three times and the cops are like, "yep, they're drunk." ?

Bloodthirsty Carpet Monkey

Here's a funny sketch from MTV's Human Giant! Totally random and unexpected. Although I have to wonder who would give a gun to a monkey. Maybe the problem is the chimp doesn't like being called a Carpet Monkey?

Do You Suck At Photoshop?

Donnie Hoyle of MyDamnChannel.com walks us through seven episodes of Photoshop tutorials for those of us that truly suck at it. These tutorials, which are also avail on YouTube, are very handy and offer useful tips with some damned funny commentary to boot.

Anyway I have selected a particular video that just caught my eye on Digg and this was some hilarious shit. I'll give you some background: Donnie's four day hold-up at the airport makes for some heavy duty Photoshop diversion.

Clearly this tutorial showed the inner fat gas that is puffing up inside the beef rod and massages the bloated ego from the fleshy head just like an early season honey dew melon.

Fortunately for me, I am quite the photoshopper. I gots mad skillz yo. Just dig my newest creation I call "What Are You Doing?" Click the image to enlarge...

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

Ok. I suck, really it's ok. I'll try for something better next time...

Fuck It... My New Philosophy

Fuck It... it's my new philosophy now too.

F*ck It - watch more funny videos

How Much is Your Website Worth?

According to http://dnscoop.com/ you can get a quick assessment of your site's worth.

"The estimated value of KRAPSODY is $1"

HA HA HA!!!!! Oh wow I can retire early folks!

I highly doubt anyone would pay that much, but it sure is interesting... if your idea of interesting is spooning with fat hairy bald men in a tub full of chocolate pudding (not that I've ever done that before). How much is yours worth?

Don't Look: Massive Shart in Progress

After Sarah Silverman's funny video "I'm F@ckin' Matt Damon" debuted on the Jimmy Kimmel Show a few weeks ago, it just adds a whole new twist on the late night show stand offs between Conan O'Brien, John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, Silverman's escapade of course prompted Jimmy Kimmel to strike back with his own response. If you haven't seen these then I have posted them here for your "viewing pleasure" (no pun intended).

This clip started the whole thing on the Jimmy Kimmel Show

And now another late night tv moment to be remembered.
Jimmy Kimmel is F@cking Ben Affleck Response to Matt & Sarah

All I can say is... sheesh. Pretty funny I guess, the Josh Groban spot and the list of stars involved in Kimmel's was golden, I can't even imagine Groban saying the word "f@ck". Doesn't it seems like these late night talk show hosts are really grasping for ideas? I dunno. Coincidentally, since everyone seems like they are sharing, I'm f@cking Marty Feldman.

2008 Election Results Accidentally Leaked Ahead of Schedule

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

"We at Diebold would like to formally apologise to all our Shadowy Puppet Masters. This will never happen again. Please have mercy on us." - Ernie Kenelworth Director of Public Relations, Diebold Inc.

Why, I appreciate the apology, as I know you were speaking to me personally. I am the Shadowy Sock Puppet Master which you speak of. However, you did say way too much. I will ask that you clean out your desk and make a hasty exit for the Mexican Border as you will be living your life forever on the run now, you detrimental tickle-brained sheep-biter.

Bowling With Jesus

Today I came across a new group discussion by pointlessbanter at blogcatalog.com about the amount of religious fervor on the site and the web as a whole, this one was aptly titled Jesus Christ.
Which was followed this afternoon by The Removal of Religious Topics from BlogCatalog Discussions posted by NINE. Damn censorship! That's a shame as there were some good points raised so far. But who needs all the hostility?

Life is fun, I'm going bowling with Jesus.

That's hot. I didn't know Jesus even liked bowling...

I still think religious fundamentalism/fanaticism is a mental disorder. Just look at George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden or Tom Cruise.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Examine the statistics for yourself;

Search Results 1 - 10 of about 48,200,000 for religion V. Search Results 1 - 10 of about 49,100,000 for humor on Google groups? I think that says people are looking for laughs more than they are spiritual enlightenment. Aren't the two kind of intertwined?

Who knows, maybe the path to enlightenment are laughs? I don't see how being so uptight or narrow-minded about a belief system is going to make things any better in the world. Nor is censorship in the name of "being afraid of offending anyone". It just influences people to think they are better than others.

On that note: People looking for the ultimate truth on Google groups are a bunch of poopy farty pants.

Spamtasticly Spam-O-Ramalicious

Find your own damn russian mail order bride named Yulija! This one's mine.

Clicky -->

Yes, I'm very proud of my stupid forum postings. Am I a F-arse? But no, I am an ass.

Toothpaste For Dinner

Great original cartoon strip. What more can I say but this;

The IRS is on Crack

It's tax season, everyone's favorite time of year! Income taxes must be filed by the 17th of April this year here in the United States. And I still owe some back taxes from an audit on self-employment income I had a few years back that I've been paying off.

It's not a lot of money that I owe and I have done my best to make it right, calling them when I'm unsure of my balance, etc. but the IRS has been less than diligent in helping me keep track of or making it easy to keep on top of my account (ie. in phone calls they rarely ever give me the correct balance or information, they give erroneous advice, they never send me statements or update account information consistently, which should be every time I call or in monthly mailed statements with an envelope and invoice provided to send the next payment).

So here was my 50 minutes of misery, debauchery, and glee with the Internal Revenue Service by phone recently, which included only a few minutes of brief conversation that possibly ruined someone else's day... for a change.

The first 47 minutes of the call are a barrage of pre-recorded phone system wisdoms by an annoying female voice stating, "Please hang on, your call is very important to us. If you hang up now you only increase your wait time. Thank you for you patience."

Of course in between the obvious 'tardisms meant to pacify the insidiously ignorant, to the down right stupid folk who probably can't even figure out how a phone works are easy to shirk off, but when combined with 'the Nutcracker' theme song (which is a very pronounced and dynamic classical piece, violins, piccolos & nose flute cacophony which isn't even fit for elevators, a night at the theater or during the holidays) AND it's bellowing at ear bleeding volumes, no.

I swear I turned down the volume on the phone three separate times to avoid my ear drum blowing out the other side of my head! It's just a little annoying after 47 minutes.

Now I half expected some weak voice to answer the phone at any moment to which I wouldn't hear because I was deafened by a numb-Nutcracker-noisefest, to which I would immediately be hung up on because I was too dulled by the offensive swill they call muzak to respond to the representative in time, just to start all over again.

But noooo, just more of the same, "Please hang on, or not, we don't give a rat's ass you idiot, your call doesn't really matter to us. If you hang up now,
citizen #:74605-619641312-5200-465413-2165465 you only increase your wait time.
Thank you for you patience, when you owe us and we should be more attentive of that fact if we want to get our money from you voluntarily, sucker", of course followed by more ear piercing 'Skullcracker' devil music at uneven volumes getting ever louder by the minute as I am kept on hold...

Finally the line rings through and a voice on the other end straight out of 'Mr. Roger's "Creepy" Neighborhood' answers the phone.

"Good afternoon, this is Mrs. Kinkle, agent #:5555543626626261291...(can't be fookin arsed to recant!) How can I help youuuuu?!"

"Hi, Mrs... Kringle?"

"Yes, Kinkle, K-I-N-K-L-E, how are you today?"

At this point I'm bustin' up lauging inside, partly because the voice on the other end sounds more like a man, maybe a man pretending to be a woman or a woman on hormone treatments.... Possibly a pre-op tranny on hormone treatments?
I don't know, not that it really matters, it just was random and unexpected!
Also the persons' voice on the other end is monotonous but partly faked enough to sound animated.

Not to mention the name, ha! Holy sh*t the name! Kinkle.

"Good thanks, how are you? Kringle, I mean Kankle, oops, ha ha sorry Mrs. Kinkle." (Awkward) "Anyway, I filed my taxes recently and I want my refund to be used towards the remaining amount I owe for a prior tax year. Unlike last year when I was told my estimated tax payment would be used for the same but instead it was mailed back to me which I happily spent on a day of drunk and whore binging [sic]..." (figuring that's something a crooked government employee could relate to)

"I see that sir, yes any refunds due this year will be applied to your principal amounts owed. I just need your name, social security number, what you had for dinner last Tuesday, how many times you have urinated this past year and what your favorite color is." (I give her said information, then some including my shoe size)
"Okay, thank you sir. Now I am wondering, have you been making payments because I am showing your account is in... default?"

"Default, Krinkle? No, that isn't possible because I've made a payment every month since I last filed."

"Well I'm showing that you have made three payments this year sir and that one of them was applied to the wrong year. I'm also showing that one payment was late."

"I see, you do realise that this is February and that there've only been two months in the year thus far. What constitutes a payment applied to a "wrong year"? All my payments by check have been notated with my social security # on them and I assumed that they automatically would be applied to the tax year I owed on, does that make sense?"

"Well you should have noted the years your payments were to be applied to on your checks sir, and I still show you are in default because your last payment was received on February 2nd for the month of January. I'd be happy to re-instate a payment plan for you today at a one-time fee of $43.95"

"Hmmm, well I see that I've made more than three payments on the same tax year and if the mail was delayed for my January payment, then I fail to see how I am at fault and should be penalized for that. I also question this formal agreement or payment plan I am entered under with the IRS. Do you have any documentation with my signature stating my acknowledgment of a payment agreement and the fees associated with that?"

"Did you pay by check for all your installments?"

"Yes I always pay by check, paying my taxes which already accrue interest with a credit card that has a much higher interest rate would be financial suicide."

"What I can suggest is that you get a copy of your bank records showing the payments you have made to the IRS."

"Mmmmkay, I suppose I could take some extra time out of my day to prove my position as far as that is concerned. What then?"

"I'd be happy to look at your records for you, in the meantime I can set you up on a payment plan today for $105.00"

"What? I thought you said it was $43.95 a moment ago? If you are looking at my records on your system, can't you tell me what I've paid up to this point then? I prefer not to set up a "payment plan", especially if I'm not in the wrong and may not be reimbursed for entering into a new arrangement that shouldn't be in error in the first place. But unbeknownst to me, I have been duped into a fictional payment agreement I never signed or committed to but all of a sudden I am being penalized for a payment that is less than a week late? I don't understand."

"Sir, (sounding exasperated) what I'm showing is that you have made three payments and you are currently in default, now I'd be happy to pull your records and have a look at them further but without some proof of your claims that you had an arranged agreement prior to January 1st this year and you were making payments on time, then we have to set up a new agreement!"

"What? Ok, sheesh, fine. Whatever we need to do. Sometimes I swear the IRS must be on crack."

"Sir, I definitely do not like your attitude. I will not have you backtalk me in a professional phone call!"

"O-k..What I said wasn't meant personally. And honestly, I'm sure you deal with calls that are 10 times worse. Besides if you were in my shoes what would you be thinking? Something seems amiss here..."

(At this point I'm thinking; "Oh, well I guess a man pretending to be a woman on the phone working at the IRS can have a bad day when their hormones are raging" Honestly, I have no problem with a person's sexuality or sexual identity, only their attitudes, but such is my luck to encounter someone under special circumstances who is experiencing a bit of stress from more than one angle today)

"Mr. (Insert my last name here), I don't have to stand for this, this is a professional phone call. I am twice your age and I will not have anyone tell me that I am on crack! This is a professional phone call!!!!"

"Well my apologies, I didn't say you were on crack. I'm not quite sure how your or my age is relevant to the conversation and I also don't see this as a professional conversation anymore, you are sounding more and more unprofessional by the minute mostly because you haven't given me a straight answer nor have you looked at my records and directly addressed the questions I asked. This is a personal phone call for me, on my personal time and I have been perfectly civil. Your demeanor is unprofessional, your yelling because I remarked that the organization you work for must be on crack seems a bit reactionary and an excuse to get upset with me."

"Mr. (insert last name here) this is a professional phone call and I will hang up on you if you don't change your attitude right now!"

"Ok Mrs. Kinkel, I'm getting that someone is having a bad day and might have a few control issues, what is it about my tone that would illicit or justify the attitude and tone you are projecting at me?"

"Sir, do you want to speak to another representative today?!"

"Yeah, you know what Mrs. KANKLE KRACKLE FACE?! Actually that would be good, y'know someone who isn't waving their knuckle dragging arms in the air, flopping around in a fit of hysterics with veins popping out on their neanderthal-like brow, speaking to someone who also has less body hair than I do would be much preferred than trying to have an intelligent conversation with YOU. I'd rather be thrown naked into a pit full of rabid badgers. Thanks."


That biiiitch. I realised after the fact that Krinkle rhymes with dick wrinkle!
Ha ha, who has the last laugh now, Kinkle?! WHO I say?!

Okay, moral of the story?
When you put your money where your mouth is... Never assume you will be the one who eats it.


KKK Endorses Obama

Just came across this one on the Daily Squib, found it uber funny and had to share it.

Article Courtesy: The Daily Squib

Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama

February 7th, 2008
by James R. Crowe

KENTUCKY - USA - Imperial Wizard, Ronald Edwards has stated that, "anything is better than Hillary Clinton."

White Christian Supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan has endorsed Barack Obama to be the next President of the United States of America.

Speaking from his Kentucky office in Dawson Springs, the Imperial Wizard exclaimed that anything or anyone is better than having that "crazy ass bitch" as President.

This is the first time in Klan history that any member of the KKK has ever publicly supported an African American candidate for the presidency.

KKK lodges all over America have been gathering and holding rallies supporting the black presidential candidate.

KKK members in Tennessee rally against Hillary Clinton and support Barack Obama

Grand Turk Cletus Monroe has also been very vocal about the election and has donated thousands of dollars to Obama's election fund.

"The boy's gonna do it. My Klan group has donated up to $250,000 to the Obama fund. Anything is better than Hillary Clinton. Hell I'll even adopt a black kid from Africa before I vote for Hillary."

"A few years back we were lynching negroes. Now we're gonna vote for one to be president of the US of motherfu**ing A, damn it! Anyone or anything is better than Hillary Clinton - anything!!"

Placards for Barack Obama have been put up around the Klan's Headquarters and the KKK have announced a television ad campaign to support the African American candidate.

Note:The Daily Squib is a satirical publication and should therefore not be taken too fu**ing seriously

Strange Weather Forecast

This one's odd. I'd love to read your captions for this one.

Credit: FunnyPicturesBlog

<-- Hello!

This strange forecast still photo is showing what appears to be the newscasters giant schlong...

"And a huge cock-front is moving across the midwest today. I think it's best you pack an umbrella."

Thread Bombs / DOUBLE TAKEThread Bombs / duh
Thread Bombs / Linda What?Thread Bombs / daaaaamn

Breaking News: This just in

The Columbus Dispatch - Feb 21 1:16 AM
A 77-year-old man in Des Moines, Iowa, who was trying to unclog his septic tank on the afternoon of Christmas Eve, lost his balance and fell in -- headfirst with his legs sticking up. He remained in that position for about an hour until his wife saw him and called for help.

That almost beats his recent attempts to unclog his toilet on the morning of New Years Day, and fell in head first with his legs sticking up. He's remained in that position until his next embarrassing predicament.

Do you dress like a douchebag?

Click image to view fullsize

Image courtesy of: http://arabianmonkey.com


To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices.

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice.
We notice that some of our notices have been noticed.

On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed.
This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable.

This notice is to remind you to notice the notices
and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.



Proof: The Earth is Flat!

An Iraqi "Researcher on Astronomy" and a physicist, Fadhel Al-Sa'd, debates an interviewer on Iraqi television. Is the earth flat? Has this guy ever looked at the Sun or the Moon which are round? Apparently, this is an important question in the Islamic world... or his own tiny little mind. If you listen to the video closely I think you can hear his brain rattling around in his head like a BB in an empty box of cornflakes. I can only hope this is a parody with doctored subtitles.

Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Piece of Toast

First the Virgin Mary seen in a lump of chocolate, then an email chain letter virus hoax, now this?
Images of the actual big bang toast are copywrighted by Don Chapman so they could only show this image which is a US Govt public domain picture.

But even in this image you can make out the big bang, right there next to that blobby scorched thingy there, sort of. This must mean that the toaster that created this phenomenon is the responsible party for the Big Bang or it's... God! I don't see anything but scrumptious toast, the Big Bang gods never tasted so good with a little butter and jam.

(ACPA-london) Excitement is growing in the Northern England town of Huddlesfield following the news that a local man saw an image of the big-bang in a piece of toast. atheist donald chapman, 36, told local newspaper, "the huddlesfield express" that he was sitting down to eat breakfast when an unusual toast pattern caught his eye.

"I was just about to spread the butter when I noticed a fairly typical small hole in the bread surrounded by a burnt black ring. however the direction and splatter patterns of the crumbs as well as the changing shades emanating outwards from this black hole were very clearly similar to the chaotic-dynamic non-linear patterns that one would expect following the big bang". "It's the beginning of the world" he added excitedly.

Ever since news of the discovery made national headlines, local hoteliers have been overwhelmed by an influx of atheists from all over the country who have farghed to Huddlesfield to catch a glimpse of the scientific relic. "I have always been an Atheist and to see my life choices validated on a piece of toast is truly astounding" said one guest at the Huddlesfield arms hotel.

To the surprise of many, the UK national atheist association has asked its members not to pay attention to the story despite its potential to inspire less faith. "Given what the religious believe already, this is an easy sell" said one disgruntled activist who said he was going to huddlesfield anyway noting that "Seeing is not believing".

Article credit: For Immediate Release: Miracle Toast?

New Virus Alert per CNN is a Hoax

An email chain letter that has been making its rounds is found to be a hoax.

This email "warning" message claims the following;

Subject: Fwd: FW: Please read immediately - virus warning!


Get this sent around to your contacts ASAP...we don't need this spreading around.


You should be alert during the next days:

Do not open any message with an attached file called ' Invitation' regardless of who sent it, It is a virus that opens an Olympic Torch
which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer.

This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list, that is why you should send this e-mail to
all your contacts. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it.

If you receive a mail called 'invitation' , though sent by a friend, do not open it and shut down your computer immediately. This is the
worst virus announced by CNN, it has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever.

This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero
Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept



According to Hoax-Slayer.com;
This "warning" message claims that an email with an attached file named "Invitation" contains a virus that will destroy the hard drive of the infected computer. According to the message, the attachment opens an "Olympic Torch, which "burns" the whole hard disc C of your computer". However, the claims in the message are untrue. The message is simply a rehashed version of the long running Virtual Card for You virus hoax (see example) and should not be taken seriously. Both hoaxes claim that the information has been announced by CNN, which is untrue. There is nothing on the CNN website about a virus like the one described in the message.

Well, I guess that makes me feel at ease. Now I just have to be sure they discover these other viruses that are hidden inside the Virus Hoax email!

Computer Viruses
The following information is from credible intelligence sources on the latest viruses sweeping across our nation's information superhighway, so take extreme caution and be on high virus alert at all times!

THE GEORGE W BUSH VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction and intermittently masks the pixel colors on your screen, so that you never get the whole picture. Variant of the Neal Bush "S&L" virus, and the Jeb Bush "does what it can" virus.
THE JOHN KERRY VIRUS - Reverses every position each time you turn your computer on
THE AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep counting, recounting, recounting ... ad nauseam
THE BILL CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a permanent hard drive, with no memory
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS #1 - Files dissappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS #2 - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg
THE BOB DOLE VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy similar to the Viagara Virus
THE LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did).
THE RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
THE DR. HANNIBAL LECTER VIRUS - It eats the heart out of your PC with some fava beans and a nice Chianti
THE ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - Disks can no longer be inserted
THE ELVIS VIRUS - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America
THE JESSE JACKSON VIRUS - Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all
THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes
THE JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Your programs can never be found again
THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200
THE E.T. VIRUS - Locks up your modem by phoning home
THE FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
THE FREUDIAN VIRUS #1 - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
THE FREUDIAN VIRUS #2 - Your computer becomes envious of your friend's hard drive
THE JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files
THE PROZAC VIRUS - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back
THE MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS - Also attacks only minor files
THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows
THE VIAGRA VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy see THE BOB DOLE VIRUS
THE VAMPIRE VIRUS - Your PC can operate only at night, and its performance really sucks
THE STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no VIRUS has gone before
THE BIN LADEN VIRUS - Continues to hide in its own set of network connections

Explain this to your boss

How would the guy explain this to his boss?

Alcohol and the Children Don't Mix Well

Wrong on so many levels, this is obviously a case of alcoholic child abuse.

Awkward Elevator Conversation

Going up?

I think somebody clearly broke the unwritten rules of elevator etiquette.

Wikipedia list of films that most frequently use the word "f**k"

No shit, I mean no phuck! Wikipedia lists hundreds of films that used the word. What movie is at number 1? Why it's called FUCK of course.


SPAM and Urinating in a Public Pool

I'm tired of hearing spammer's lame excuses and rationalizations. Spamming newsgroups can reasonably be compared to urinating in a public pool. When they are caught, we would hear stuff like:

"Uh-- I didn't know I wasn't supposed to piss in the pool. After all, its full of water -- just like my toilet at home."

"It's a really large pool."

"No one will really care."

"I'm sure there are some people here who really WANT to swim in my piss."

"After all, this is a free pool; I can piss here if I want to."

"It's too much trouble to get up and walk all the way to the bathroom."

"How DARE they get upset over a few ounces of my piss!"

"If they don't want to swim in my piss, they should never use the pool!"

"I had to buy my bathing suit, so pissing in this pool IS costing me money! This isn't a free ride for pissers as some of you claim!"

"It is anti-American to restrict freedom of urination! Will you start censoring #2 after that?!?!?!"

"There are already big guys pissing in the pool. Why are you singling out the little guy? ...No... No, I CAN'T point out a big pisser..."

"I can't AFFORD to piss on anyone in other more expensive facilities..."

"There's no law that says I can't piss in the POOL, Article XXXXX refers to pissing in the STREET."

"I can only piss in the pool 20 times in a 45 day period? That's absurd! That's unacceptible!"

"I would like to apologize for my twin brother, who was caught pissing in the pool yesterday and gave my name. It wasn't me. Honest! I've never been near the place! He's being punished by being sent to live with relatives real far away, so you'll never see _him_ again."

"Yes, I pissed in your pool, but it was an experiment for a biology class I'm taking. Thank you for your cooperation."

"Hi, my name is Jerry Reynolds, and MCI is letting me re-route a large sewer line into your pool. Have a nice swim."

"I have been informed that you have removed my piss from your pool. My legal councel has advised me that what you did is an illegal actionable tort that infringes my civil rights and is in violation of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, the Mann Act, and the NATO charter. You have acted without due diligence, committed liable and slander and defamed my good name with malice aforethought, and now you will pay. I have a five-figure lawyer budget and a team of private investigators who will find you. Please call my attorneys at the law firm of Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, & McCormick and give them your address so that you may be served and then arrested. Litigiously yours, Tim J Chandler Britto Sledgemore"

"I know I said I would stop pissing in the pool three months ago, but I thought 'the hell with the rest of you'."

"Since they kicked me out for pissing in this end of the pool, I'll piss in the other end of the pool."

"But I need to empty my bladder!"

"Pissing in the pool is easy, I'll show you how."

"THIS REALLY WORKS! Just send $5 to the five people who just pissed on you, piss on at least 200 more people (making sure to tell them to do the same), and within no time you won't even *need* water in the pool. Won't have to heat it either. AND ITS PERFECTLY LEGAL!!!"

"Our new "Stealth Suit" puts another swimmer's name on you so that nobody will know it is you that is pissing in the pool."

"Our market research has indicated that you wanted us to piss in your pool."

"To have the piss in your pool removed, just email your request to piss-off@fakeemailaddress.com"

"Do you have any ticklish people in your pool? That would make me so excited, I could just piss!"

"What we are doing is not pissing. It is an act of bio-filtration that is actually removing harmful chemicals from your pool water each time we do it. If you will just visit our web site at...."

"Well if you stop me pissing from this part of the pool I'll just move to another part of the pool where I have court orders that mean I can piss from there."

"Well I'm not going to piss in the pool until Tuesday January 20th."

"Although my 'repentance' from the practice of pissing in the pool WAS genuine when I made it back in October, I have since reconsidered my position. A lot of what caused my departure from that repentance is very practical. The vast majority of you NEVER give a repentant pisser any credibility, encouragement, etc. anyway. Why attempt to change when a break is never afforded even after evidence of change (50+ days of almost no pissing whatsoever + antipissing efforts in the my own pool) is offered? I have stated that it is my intention to drastically reduce the amount of pissing that I will be doing...and the color of the water over the last few days should indicate this. I have NOT, however, repudiated my pro-pissing position."

"That terrorist anti-pool-piss radical hacked my pisser!!"

"I don't piss in the pool indiscriminately. That piss was *targeted* at you."

"So what if the pool's inundated with piss? It's the rec center's job to handle it because they decided to open up the pool."

"I only piss in the pool; I *NEVER* show anything indecent to your kids in the process."

"What's your problem? You objected to me pissing in the pool, & I had to piss *somewhere*, so of course I came to your place & pissed in your bath."

"Your attempts to stop me from urinating in a public pool are nothing but religious discrimination and a violation of my first amendment rights. What are you, some sort of racist?"

"You don't like my piss in your pool? Then just clean your pool!" ["Just hit delete!"]

"You don't want to clean my piss out of your pool yourself? Then install a filter for your pool. Or wear a wetsuit and aqualung!"

Communication Is Important

I came a cross a website that offers a great service, it has an Official Notice generator that you can fill out then email to another party.

BureauOfCommunication.com has a mission as stated on their website.

Every day, there are millions of thoughts that go unspoken. To promote better understanding of the peoples of the world, the Bureau of Communication is pleased to present a fill-in-the-blank stationery for everyday correspondence. Whether you need to communicate a problem, send an invitation to an event, or simply apologize for a transgression, our easy-to-use forms will ensure that your message is clearly conveyed.

One mission when using this service is simple. Sending hate-mail has never been easier.

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