Viva Cuba!

Viva Cuba Gooding Jr.!

Cuba Gooding scared
Famous Cuban actor, Cuba Gooding Jr. scared witless by his own fame.

Show me the money! That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there! Anywho, enough with the Jerry Maguire references.

What I do have to share with readers today is a bevy of very interesting facts about the country of Cuba. Some Most I would have never imagined.

For instance, did you know....

In the early 70's, communism took full hold, enveloping the island nation in a red cloud of evil evil naughty thoughts and lustful ideas. Those crazy commies believed that people could essentially be good (an idea which was disproven by Stephen Hawking) and the tangible force of communism changed the face of Cuba like a huge rolling pin.

The island of Cuba used to be a giant volcano which Satan used as a secret hideout, but soon Castro rose to power and began to propagate Cuba with thousands of clones made from his own DNA. He used his clones as a source of labor to mass produce diet pills. Satan didn't stand a chance.

As the Cuban diet pill industry grew, the island lost weight until it was diminished to the size it is today. Scientists believe that by this time next year, Cuba will actually occupy negative space, creating a paradox that will end all human existence.

map of cuba
A detailed map of Cuba

Cuba has an extensive black market boat building industry, which has been noted for its highly ingenious use of things which aren't even meant as parts for boats. Due to the level of Cuban boat craftsmanship, there is a policy in U.S. immigration that any boat builder who can make a boat and sail it to the U.S. is free to become a U.S. citizen. Unless you're Haitian.

Fidel Castro, Cuba's former dictator, seen here trying to escape his own tyranny.

Cuba's most prominent citizen, Robert Downey Jr., won an Oscar for his role as Tom Cruise's lover in the blockbuster science fiction animated porn movie Tom, Jerry and Lizzie Maguire. Crowds of moviegoers lined up to see it over and over again making it the most popular movie since Gigli.

Monica Lewinsky was made an honorary Cuban after undergoing secret initiation ceremonies by Bill Clinton in the Oval Office in the mid 1990s. She also provided the same services to Castro...and Saddam Hussein..and bin Laden...and well, you get the point.

Desi Arnaz and his twin brother, Ricky Ricardo were famous Cubans. But the 1961 Bay of Pigs incident changed everything for them. The twin brothers used their connections with the CIA to air-drop armed pigs and warthogs into Cuba as an attempt to overthrow the Castro government.

The move was a resounding failure for the CIA, but a great bonus for the Cuban people, as the invading pigs were soon slaughtered and used to feed Castro's hungry citizens. Which was all of them. Castro was a food hoarder, but Jenny Craig and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev changed all that. In Cuba, the term "when pigs fly" means someone just got a whole bunch of food dropped on them, and they want to have a party.

In retribution for the Bay of Pigs invasion, Castro called up John F. Kennedy and had I Love Lucy cancelled, then Castro denied Desi and Ricky were ever from Cuba and barred them from returning. Wow, big loss there.

The most popular language in Cuba is Cubist. Created by Pablo Picasso in 1930, Cubist became the official language of Cuba in 1934. Until that time Cuba had no official language, making everyday conversation impossible. Before this, Cubans relied on semaphore, smoke signals and complex foot gestures.

It was also considered acceptable to attack random people in the streets while dressed like Al Gore until somebody would give you what you needed. Thanks to Picasso and the arrival of Cubist, people were no longer able to communicate by simply stabbing each other with shivs.

raul castro
Raul Castro (who labored in the shadow
of his brother Fidel since
the days of the Cuban revolution)
does not approve of this message.

Che Guevarra, inventor of Guerrilla Marketing,
also does not approve.
(additional Guerrilla Marketing info found here)
But he's dead so we don't really care.

Well, that's it. If you found this as interesting as I did, more facts about Cuba can be found by Googling "Cuba" or by visiting it. It's not that easy to get in to the country though, you might want to sneak in by swimming there from Florida. So good luck with that.

"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has checked into the hospital and control of the country has been turned over to his brother. In a related story control of his beard has been turned over to ZZ Top."
--Conan O'Brien


Lori Gomez said...

I have no smartass comment to make.
This Krap was funny! :)

Static said...

@LoriGVW Thanks for laughing at my pain.

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