Mythical Beasts are Whale Penis

Since my last post, I have successfully escaped the terrors of Guantanamo Bay! After sneaking out during nappy time, I was able to swipe a couple of Power Bars, a snorkel, escape on foot, and then I swam all the way back to the states.

Along the way I was er... ummm..."harassed" by a sperm whale. He was obviously interested in what I was all about - swimming like a retarded Aquaman out in the open ocean like some freakish junk was all egging him on and stuff. Anyway this encounter got me to thinking about another subject of interest.

Several years ago a group of authors in the Archives of Natural History put forth the hypothesis that tales and sightings of sea serpents from yore (including the Loch Ness monster) might actually have been - or probably are - male whales in a state of arousal. Yes, the theory is that it's possible that what sailors or common citizens have seen - all those alleged sea serpent sightings - are actually..whale penises (also called dorks).

You be the judge...

whale penis

Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis?

Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis?

Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis?

Loch Ness Monster
Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis?

Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis?

Nessie is friends with Bigfoot
Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis?

loch ness monster toon
Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis?

Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis? (Could also be a yeti)

Possible Loch Ness monster, sea serpent, or whale penis.
(Not substantiated, please tell us what the hell it is)

More at the Guardian Unlimited and Museum of Hoaxes. Most notably Charles Paxton came up with the theory (more on Paxton's theory here).


Gorilla Bananas said...

Much as I admire the curvature of the whale shlong, the Loch Ness monster is clearly a snorkeling elephant. I wonder what kind of foreplay whales get down to.

No Good Boyo said...

Whales are just big stupid fish. Who cares how excited they get.

When Wales is aroused, however, men, women and some larger turtles pay attention.

Andrew Long said...

Congrats on your escape -- you will do mighty things with power bars.

Ok ok ok

Picture #1: That's obviously a swimming unicorn who's spikey nose thing got bent while trying to fight off a massive whale penis

Picture #2: Clearly it's the periscope of an old submarine, used to hunt down whales who stick their penis out of the water

Picture #3: It's a fake whale penis, put there by the loch ness monster so it can lure in researchers for lunch

Picture #4: Despite what it says, it's not a brontosaurus. That is unmistakably a whale penis with eyes and a mouth

Picture #5: Yeti...definitely a Yeti...maybe a sahara Yeti...a cousin species of the mountainous colder climate Yetis

Picture #6: "Dick Cheney" translates into "Penis of Whale" when you go from whale speak to english.

Static said...

Gorilla Bananas - I could only venture to guess what kind of foreplay whales get into. But obviously they are looking for it when they point it up out of the water towards the sky, apparently as a way to say, "look at me! I'm horny!"

Static said...

No Good Boyo - Whales may be big and stupid but if their brains compare to the size of their dongs then human males may be beat in both departments... except for me of course. You also forgot to mention that the dogs of Wales howl at the moon when aroused.

Static said...

Andrew Long - Thank you, it was a brutally difficult journey but I managed to survive with sheer wits and strength. None of my own. May I crash on your couch until I figure out where to go next? Also mightier things have been done with power bars. I'll say exactly what in a future post.

As for your comments I would like to add the following points;
Picture #1: Swimming unicorns? Preposterous! Everyone knows that is an albino sea serpent with the clap, he caught it by having relations with a female narwhal, he was also blinded while trying to fight off a male narwhal and his rather large horn (no not his penis) poked out his eyes. Hence the reason he appears to be looking for something but cannot find it, 'cause he can't see shit.

Picture #2: Are you sure that's not a whale penis used to hunt down submarines which stick their periscopes out of the water? We all know that it was sailors who were intrigued with "sea serpents". Come to think of it, I believe sailors probably are involved in whale foreplay, that should also answer Gorilla Banana's question.

Picture #3: And many a researcher has been duped by the Loch Ness monster's ploy! SNARF NOM NOM!

Picture #4: I think it may be a brontosaurus with a whale penis for a head with eyes and a mouth.

Picture #5: Yes, I believe that is a Yeti of sorts. Or Gorilla Banana's hoochie mama.

Picture #6: "Dick Cheney" translates into "Penis of Whale" when you go from whale speak to english. LOL! Of course it's a "Dick Cheney" a.k.a. "Dork Cheney"... I should have realized that.

Fanton said...

I think I may account for a few of these 'Nessie' sightings, from when I used to go skinny-dipping in Loch Ness.

My proud Lord Palmerston may be easily confused for a whale's penis, you know.

Static said...

Lord Likely - I was unaware of your massive deformity. I wonder if the adult movie industry (had it existed around the turn of the century) would have beaten on your door to recruit you for it's sleazy enterprises.

No dare I say, the ubiquitous of smut & pornification has affected us all, but if you had partaken with your monstrous Lord Palmerston, obviously an entity all it's own to have it's own birth certificate, name, address and library card (just google it), heaven only knows how perversely depraved the purveyors might become (or maybe they already are) to capture & maintain the interest of modern day porn aficionados.

Anyway, I'm off to watch some pr0n. Tout suite!

Soge shirts said...

is that one picture rosie o donnel, ron jeremey, and robin williams combined? Cause that is one mean looking whale penis.

Mother Theresa said...

1. That's really the Pink Panther out for a swim. Can't you tell that's just his arm?

2. This is a gnome who fell into a puddle and now all you can see is his hat.

3. This one is obviously a problem giraffe that the zoo was trying to get rid of by drowning. But they didn't calculate the water depth very well, did they?

4. Anybody can see that's a turtle with an identity crisis.

5. The sexiest thing on Planet of the Apes?

6. This is definitely a whale penis.

Nunyaa said...

It's a whales penis, specifically shaped thus to reach the female whales G-spot... :-)

Jack Payne said...

Enjoyed your Whales Tales, Static.
But, when are you going to get around to Dolphins? When the Whale I.Q. rises to the level of the Dolphin, they will become far more interesting, indeed.

Static said...

Nunyaa - Of course it is. And the male whale is done in 2 minutes, rolls over and goes to sleep leaving the female whale mostly unaroused.

Jack Payne - Don't get me started on those dolphins. They're creepy, all that chattering, their psychotic perma-grins, those blow holes on the top of their heads, the senseless but annoyingly cute tricks they perform like odd aquatic clowns. Too much for me, I hate clowns.
Humans and dolphins are apparently the only species that have sex purely for pleasure. If whales developed the IQ of dolphins then we're really in for trouble. First of all the tuna industry would be turned head over heels, whales would get caught in tuna nets left and right then they're would be no more chicken of the sea, tuna fishing would be banned, no more Jessica Simpson jokes, no more tuna casserole. Next thing you know some freak would be marrying a whale. Nope, sorry Charlie.

Static said...

Sogeshirts & Teresa - You guys are funny, you should compare notes.

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