Daredevil and Crew Flattened by Salt Flats

Sep 5, 12:41 am EDT

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah - A motorcyclist died in a Utah land speed record attempt last Wednesday. 47-year-old Cliff Gullett of Montana was killed after losing control of his bike at 385 kilometers (239 miles) per hour and crashing on Utah’s famous Bonneville Salt Flats.

He was trying to beat the world speed record set by a
jet powered wheelchair manned by none other than
Giuseppe Ceehowstoopidiyam that I mentioned in my last article.

Reports said Gullett was aiming to set a record for the fastest two-stroke, two-cylinder motorcycle but instead failed - killing himself and his two canines, a pair of trained corgi dogs named Inky and Stinky, who operated the motorcycle for Gullett. Gullett wanted his pups to experience the thrill of setting a world land speed record and to go down in history as the "goldarned fastest motorcycle drivin' dogs ever".

Investigators weren't sure what caused Inky and Stinky and co-pilot Gullett to lose control of the motorcycle Wednesday during a time trial. Of course the dogs' errors in judgement are considered at fault in the wreck since no one is certain if it was Inky who steered the cycle too far to the left or if it was Stinky who pulled the wheel a bit too far to the right, but in any event it should be said it was Gullett's fatal error in judgement that ultimately cost them their lives.

Gullett leaves behind a wife, a 15-year-old-son, a 10-year-old daughter, a tricycle stunt trained hampster named Spanky and a enormous stack of porn that impressed "the pornstack king" himself, Larry Flint.

larry flint lol


Gorilla Bananas said...

I have a suspicion that the dogs were trying to murder their master and commit suicide at the same time.

Angry_Clown said...

I kept saying that one day two dogs would kill their master on a motorcycle while attempting to break the land speed record, but no one listens to me.

I told you so!

Donnie said...

Goes go to show you that porn kills! Did I mention that I'm a regular on the internet?

Soge shirts said...

I was there and it was Inky's fault. He wanted to kill Stinky and overestimated his driving skills.

Anonymous said...

Seriously though. Dogs should never be allowed behind the wheel (or handlebars) of any type of motorised vehicle without first undergoing some form of written test to gauge their knowledge of the Highway code.

Lecture over.

Anonymous said...

lol dead dogs and larry flint all in the same article. brilliant!!

Anonymous said...

"Dogs should never be allowed behind the wheel (or handlebars) of any type of motorised vehicle without first undergoing some form of written test to gauge their knowledge of the Highway code."

This goes for all animals with notable exception to monkeys in leather jackets. They look totally fucking cool when they're smoking a cigarette and burning rubber.

Ms Scarlet said...

Yes, but what is 'Spanky' going to do now . . . s'pose he could chew his way through the porn . . .

Static said...

One afternoon, a silly silly man and his jet-engine propelled puddle-jumping wheelchair were flying somewhere high above the Salt Flats in Utah.

There were also two dogs on board: the pilots - Inky and Stinky. And a few people no one cared enough about to mention in this harrowing story: Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment (yes it has one), and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilots burst out, took a huge poop and made a hasty exit with the only parachutes.

You were warned.

Now... on to your comments;

@Mr. Bananas - I have a sneaky suspicion the dogs were drunk.

@Damo - You were so right. But you were left out. Just be sure to remind us about that asteroid hitting the earth again. As for you other lurkers, think it won't happen? Don't say I told you so.

@Don - By "regular on the internet" you mean you have about 5 removable hard drives full of hardcore porn don't you?

@Soge - So you are saying foul play was involved?

@Jeff - Dude, but what about bicycle riding bears? Surely a bicycle riding bear could handle a motorcycle. Wait, what's that? They do have a motorcycle riding bear?! A MOTORCYCLE RIDING BEAR ON A HIGHWIRE?!

@Anon - Why thanks. You are obviously very very sick. How dare you laugh at Larry Flint.

@Qelqoth - "[This goes for all animals with notable exception to monkeys in leather jackets. They look totally fucking cool when they're smoking a cigarette and burning rubber.]"

Aren't.. some people... technically.... animals..... of the.. monkey variety?

@Scarlet - Well Spanky is doing very well. With all the materials he had at his disposal he just opened his own porn shop.

Chelle Blögger said...

Whoa now, I checked Snopes and this is totally an urban legend.

Oh, it happened, but it was a naked chick named Helga who looked like Larry Flynt, and her two trained donkeys on a rusty unicycle and it happened in Jersey back in 1982.

Sheesh, check your sources next time, man!

Static said...

@Chelle B - You're absolutely right. I'm awfully sorry. I should check my sources next time, what does some rinky-dink cowtown tv station know about anything and same goes for the BBC.

Consider yourself my trusted source from this day forward, you always have the insider scoop. I'll bug you before I post any more news stories. To the living end my dear, to the living end!


Static said...

@Sara - That's hot.

Anonymous said...

lol this is the funniest post evar

Static said...

@Anonymous - Hay DULLARD... I mean, Rick, Doug, or Dale, duhr. Whichever one o dem you are.... it's called SATIRE. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.

Read the DISCLAIMER next, you buffoon. Any article here has no relation to any persons living or dead, and if it does, it's merely coincidence or unintentional. Read it a dozen times, if you can comprehend it. So think about that before fapping on your keyboard; preaching about "respect", which you are no shining example of.

Sorry about your brother, but maybe if you spent more time in therapy, you'd spend less time Google-ing for his name, or searching for whale penis and other beastiality porn on the internet.

Rumor has it that you are almost incomprehensible in person (as revealed by your desperate urge to babble nonsensically on the web.) No doubt, this rumor is true judging by that uber-babble you flung onto the screen during your latest spasmodic seizure.

In closing, I offer these heartfelt words:

Go suck on a frozen pineapple, vile fiend. We all pray that you will parachute naked into the world's prickliest cactus, you cheap Internet harpy. And then I may post another satirical article about that. But probably not. You're not that interesting.

Anonymous said...

quote anonymous:"Hey DUMB ASS, that was my brother that got killed at Bonneville. May be you should have some respect for people!"

maybe you should get over it

Static said...

@Gboo - Netizens who get pissed off at satire and parodies are really only showing they're much too sensitive. Don't they realize how neurotic they appear?

Also, anonymous commenting, while sometimes necessary, can be seen as cowardly. Especially when you're lashing out at someone because you don't like what they're doing.

And who the hell cares what I'm doing in the grand scheme of things? =)

Is my opinion the be-all end-all? No, of course not. I'm sure everyone who knew of Cliff well before this, knew the man much differently than what my stupid story proclaims or portrays.

And that's just what my story is.

Furthermore, if someone is a bit of a celebrity and is a daredevil (risks their life on seemingly outrageous stunts) in the process of that celeb status, then they are going to meet with some negative publicity, and criticism, as well as being poked fun at on occasion.

So get over it people. }=P

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