Laugh, by Thunder, Laugh!

And that's just what you do when you realize September 19th was Talk Like A Pirate Day.

It's true, do it! do it now! We missed it. All those who didn't talk like a pirate on friday will have to walk the plank with me. ARR!

A pirate speaks,"O'ly wale shite t' is Septembre the 19th?! Wall, den I bedder learn 'ow t' talk like a pirate 'fore arget jabbed oon me aft by a randy arse pirate den!"

Loosely translated into non-pirate speak, "Holy whale shit it's Sept. 19?! Well, then I better learn how to talk like a pirate before I get jabbed in my ass by a horny butt pirate then!"

Yeah, I really don't know what the fuss is all about either. So a couple of dweebos, obviously bored with nothing better to do, get the idea from watching Treasure Island over and over again. Big deal! So they've received worldwide recognition and throngs of followers. Whooptie doo!

Pirates suck. You hear that Johnny Depp? They suck cast iron ship cannons. And our stereotypical idea of pirates is dead too. When was the last time you saw a real pirate? Well, maybe if you have your own private yacht and you went sailing in the Caribbean recently you got attacked by modern day pirates (thieves) with muskets (machine guns, grenades) and they stole all your treasure (cargo, money, drugs) and your booty (your wife's and/or possibly yours too). But that's rare. Gone are thar days of yore arr! (shit I'm doing it again) This is a new era! Nowadays, pirates are on the internet!

More pirate speak, "We like stealing stuff off the internet! Movies, music, software you name it. Thank the stars for piracy! YAAR!"

Since we're talking about (bashing) pirates...I'm not sure if this is Chris Crocker impersonating a pirate or just a really sad drag queen...

"Leave Blackbeard Alone!"

Yeeesh. What a wussy pirate. Why you could sail your ship in all his tears and pee (yes, he wet his pants). He sets a real poor example for all pirates and so are all those International Talk Like A Pirate wannabes and their hot wenches too.

Everyone knows pirates were and still are ugly, smelly and gross and so were their wenches.

Anyway, Happy (be-lated) International Talk Like A Pirate (dork) Day!


Gorilla Bananas said...

How do you expect anyone to focus on pirates when you publish a picture of a woman with breasts like that? Question: would she close her eyes or stare into space if you put your head between her bazookas?

Ms. O. D. said...

Happy Blated Talk like a Pilate days!!!

RBV said...

Having a day to talk like a pirate is having a day to act like a pirate by drinking beer, stealing loot, and banging wenches sounds more entertaining. Hey...if I'm acting like a smelly pirate, then I won't notice that the wenches are smelly, right?

Anonymous said...

Noooooooo!!!! I missed talk like a pirate day!!??? It was bad enough I didn't celebrate talk like patrick stewart day in july!! DAMITT!!!!!

Ms Scarlet said...

But 'Walk like a Pirate' is tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Crap...I missed it! ;o)

Anonymous said...

I initiated 'drink like a pirate day' on my fifteenth birthday and have been celebrating it daily ever since. Feel free to join in. When times get hard, cough mixture tends to do the trick.

That's my own little tip for surviving the credit crunch. Enjoy.

Anonymous said...

While pirates are indeed vulgar and repugnant creatures, they do get to drink rum, blow shit up and score with filthy wenches.

Do ninjas get to do that shit?

Do they fuck.

Static said...

@Gorilla Bananas - There was a woman in a picture? WHERE?! Hey, if you are brassy enough to put your head between her breasts she's probably ballsy enough to blow your ears off with those cannons.

@Ms. OD - Same to you and while we're talking about pilates... Happy Bowflex Day too. Don't forget to shoot your steroids.

@RBV - Now you're talkin'. You won't notice the smell if you take a skunk and swipe it's butt under your nose before doing the deed. That's what any sensible pirate does. So if you're going to act the part don't do it half-assed or anything.

@Sharath - I hate to remind you that you probably also missed "Talk Like Mike Tyson Day" and "Talk Like The Godfather Day".

@Scarlet-Blue - Holy crap. Now I have something else I need to do and then write about?! But there is only 24 hours in a day! How can I possibly find a wooden leg in that amount of time unless I steal my noisy neighbor's (who obviously has one the way they stomp around all the godamned time)?

@Pentad - There is always next year to crap and miss the toilet again. I will insist you use a pirates boot next time and their bandanna to wipe.

@Jeffman - Touche, touche my good man. I see you have much in common with Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie. Have you any desire to go to southern California and enter the Betty Ford Clinic?

@Qelqoth - Ah-so young grasshopper. Although the ninja is seemingly more disciplined than the savage and rough pirate (who did have their own set of rules they lived by), ninjas do have their moments of release also. Not only do they blow shit up with their handheld bombs, but they drink sake - LOTS OF IT, they slap and kick their enemies around, hack off limbs with their sharp swords, stick things with their throwing stars, and I'm sure they scored aplenty with any geisha(s) of their choice. Now I don't know about you but I'd take a cultured, educated, hygenic, beautiful and proper whore over a filthy, ugly, ignorant, unkempt, syphlitic, total slut any day.

Kelly said...

That goddamn freak in that video deserves to walk the plank. Or at least get his skull bashed open by a yo ho ho bottle of rum.

BTW, I'm ah lovin' the site. Can't believe I haven't visited before. Need to get out more often, I guess.

Static said...

@Kelly - Thank you! And the freak says he'd like to do a revised edition with you and him ... SPOONING.

Anonymous said...

I'm a sailor's peg and I lost my leg.

Static said...

@Rusty - Aha! So it was you who has been making all that racket next door then? Falling down the stairs then clumsily plodding back up them then falling down the damn stairs again! I thought you were walking around with a peg leg or bowling, you frothy half-faced codpiece! Why I outta &@#$)!!!... say, how do you get one of those things anyway????

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