Keanu Reeves Gets Even With Paparazzo

Fri Oct. 10, 2008

Hollywood, CA (Krapsody) - Keanu Reeves ran over a photographer yesterday afternoon with his Porsche. The photographer, Sal Saliva, has survived and is suing Mr. Reeves, the star of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Letting Go.

Saliva has filed a lawsuit against Reeves, for allegedly running him over. Saliva claims his face is mangled and his entire body was shattered, including his pelvis and his arms.

However, the hospital that attended Saliva, stated he was treated for a broken pinky toe and some minor cuts and bruises, then released later that evening.

Saliva also filed a motion to prohibit Reeves' camp from referring to him in future proceedings as a paparazzo or member of the paparazzi.

Saliva argues, such terminology could cast him in a negative light with the jury, citing in part the blame placed on paparazzi for the death of Princess Diana. Even though Saliva has been fingered, and additionally pointed at as one of the responsible parties in her death, the finger has since been washed, thoroughly.

Saliva, mad as hell.
Saliva stated he would prefer to be called a "reporter," "celebrity photographer" or "photojournalist," and wants restitution in the amount of $100 billion U.S. dollars for the accident, and for being called a "Scumbag Paparazzo", according to the filing.

"Reeves broke my ass, and hurt my feelings, adding insult to injury, dammit. I demand compensation!", Saliva said.
"But, at least he didn't sit on me. Have you seen how fat he is now?", he quipped.

The motion left Reeves' camp wondering, "What about all the times Saliva referred to himself as a paparazzo, or a piss gargling arse-wipe?"

Reeves camp was further quoted as saying, "How politically correct do we need to be here, people? When do we dispense with calling a feathered mammal, simply, a duck; cease calling a liar, a politician; and refrain from referring to highway robbers as stockbrokers?"

"This is outrageous," Reeves camp added, "and we shall simply refer to Saliva as The Scumbag Paparazzo Keanu Reeves Should Have Backed Up and Run Over a Third Time, from now on."

Reeves' motion states, that Saliva certainly won't be covering any serious news (lame insider gossip and fake stories) or shooting anyone's portrait (standing in their bushes taking pictures of them in the shower) in the near future. Rather, he'll be "learning how to walk again, taking morphine doses until he passes out/nearly overdoses, putting together jigsaw puzzles, emptying his colostomy bag daily, continuing to take up space and breathe air, and of course, drooling incessantly -- things he did before the accident anyway. So why should we refer to him in any other manner."

The unexpected twist: Saliva's MySpace page is listed as belonging to "The Scumbag Keanu Reeves Should Have Backed Up and Run Over A Third Time."

Reeves has denied any wrongdoing, saying that Saliva tripped over his own feet, and fell under his car while attempting to jump onto the hood to capture a candid shot. Keanu stated, "Woah dudes, I didn't want to slow down. In fact, if I remember correctly, I think I accelerated when I saw him fall."

Story taken from article, 10/10/2008


Anonymous said...

Ooooooooh, scary nipple piercings on the Sumo gig!

Angry_Clown said...

I totally understand what the K man is going threw! I'm fully sick of those damn photo guys taking naked pics of me on the toilet "stroking it" but the pay is way to good, I love peanuts!

Static said...

@Pentad - You should see what surprise piercings await the public below the waist. One through each kneecap, and one right through the perineum, attached with a chain between the three.

I understand the nipple piercings on a sumo wrestler are an indication of manliness; for extreme tolerance of pain.

When a challenging wrestler grabs those piercings, and whips his opponent around by them, I imagine that could prove to be quite painful.

@Damian - Yeah, I know what you mean. I can't dry hump fire hydrants without those scumbag paparazzos surrounding and blinding me with the flashbulb-popping!

Although, I've been paid in nothing but peanuts so far.

I hate peanuts.

So, who's your agent?

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think Saliva should be allowed to fondle Reeves' man boobs as a compromise.

Anonymous said...

oh, no
I don't like piercings

Angry_Clown said...

@ static Some homeless bum I gave $50 to and a head job, hes really a good agent and a great kisser!

Ms Scarlet said...

Stamp on him, I say . . . stamp on him hard . . .

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