Zoo Trainer Loses Keys Inside Elephant

Tues Oct. 18, 2008

Monaco, France (Krapsody) - On Saturday at the Monaco Zoo, Alois Schieklgrüber, one of the most famous elephant trainers in Europe, lost his keys to the animal cages inside an elephant. It was a master set, making the situation all the more urgent. An emergency extraction had to be performed. The elephant, Penelope, is said to be out of harms way and is doing well. It is reported that the keys could have caused a "bowel problem", requiring an unconventional method of removal.

Alois inside the elephant with his assistants, Aziz and Hugo,
nearby in case he falls all the way in and can't get out.

During the three hour procedure, Alois stated, "I must find my keys or Penelope could have a very serious colon obstruction.. Oh look, I found my wallet and a live artillery shell in here, too. Wow, I didn't realize that there's so much room. I think I see a Cadillac parked further inside."

Apparently, Alois spends a lot of time inside the elephants. According to Alois, "...it's a great place to get away. I feel that it's a place I can hide from all the noise and people. It's my sanctuary, my home away from home. Up until now it was my secret hideaway, only the elephants knew."

Alois stumbled, quite by mistake, upon his "home away from home" when he was cleaning the elephant's cages a number of years ago. Alois explains, "In the summer of 1999, me and an assistant were hosing down the elephants, when an elephant slipped and fell backward, I went headfirst, diving into the rectal cavity of Sheeba. Sheeba was one of our younger female pachyderms we had. As I was stuck inside, I discovered a new sense of panic, but at the same time, I experienced a blessing... I saw my life flash before my eyes, this elephant saved my life! I could very well have broken my neck if it weren't for Sheeba catching me with her sphincter."

Alois tears up, "Sheeba has since passed on, the veterinarian said it was "shock", but ever since that day, I have made it a point to pay homage to her by climbing into the elephants every evening. And then for some reason the other night, I forgot my keys. I've been very distracted lately."

The Monaco Zoo reprimanded Alois for his strange habit and losing the keys. However, since Alois threw a fit and the keys were successfully recovered, they have reconsidered their position. Zoo spokesperson, Xavier L'Arsendre had this to say, "We have been notified that Alois is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, his therapist believes his habit is very therapeutic for him. We only ask that Alois make advance requests to slip inside the elephants in the future. The Zoo will provide an escort to hold the keys or call for help in the event he gets lost inside one of their body cavities."

Activists for PETA and CAPS (Captive Animals Protection Society) have an entirely different view.

CAPS has released this statement to the press, "This is a sick and disgusting practice. We cannot believe the Monaco Zoo is letting Mr. Schieklgrüber get away with his deviant behavior. First of all, this small zoo appears out of place in an area full of wealth and glamour. Secondly, Mr. Schieklgrüber is out of place in an elephant's butt, and has no business being in there. It's a safety hazard for the elephants. We are quite sure that Mr. Schieklgrüber's sentiments are not shared by the inmates of the archaic zoo."

PETA publicly condemned the Monaco Zoo for Schieklgrüber's actions, and allowing him to continue his habits. PETA is also declaring the conditions it allows its animals to live in as, "deplorable", "shocking", and "disappointing".

Alois Schieklgrüber, has since apologized, but has no plans to stop his late night ritual. "I will continue to visit the elephant's rectums. I have been doing this for a number of years, and I don't see any reason to stop at this point. If people want to call me disgusting, or a freak, I don't really care. I am not doing this because of a sexual perversion. I am doing this because it makes me happy, and for my mental health, it's therapy."


Gorilla Bananas said...

The man is a suppository and a Nazi. Cover him in dry dung and ignite him.

Kelly said...

That "losin' the keys in the elephant's ass" is a bea-u-tiful story. It seems like you could make a game out of that during a party. Like.... hire a stripper for a party.... dump a bag of m&m's down in her coochie. Whoever picks out a red one wins a prize. Make sure the said stripper isn't on the rag, though, or they'll all be red.

That's me. Always thinkin'.

Static said...

@Gorilla Bananas - You're right, Alois is a nazi. I googled his name, it seems Mr. S has been a wanted war criminal for many, many years.
Unfortunately for him, as Alois was crawling into Penelope yesterday evening, that live artillery shell detonated, killing Alois and Penelope. Good going Penelope!

@Kelly - Wow, that's disgusting. That you're thinking, I mean.


Anyway, I think the whole "lost my keys" story is just that. A story, so that Alois can yet again, violate another pachyderm. Sicko.

Ms Scarlet said...

A little less 'thinking', if you don't mind!

eve cleveland said...

Uhhhh, I really didn't know it was so easy to accidentally git a noggin up an elephant's bootyhole till I saw that video. I for one, will start being much more careful,

Anonymous said...

Does Alois gain any sexual pleasure from all this? If so, he'd do well to look to Michael Hutchence as an example.

Sex and suffocation don't mix. Not unless it's me doing the suffocating...

... Must go. I think I hear the police outside.

Static said...

@scarlet-blue - Yes please. Less thinking = good. More thinking = a pile of elephant poop.

@Damo - Aww, poor Damo. You and Kelly should hang out more oftener and stuffs. I bet you could rape a few elephants together and be BFF's! Just don't let Kelly talk you into playing "hide the m&m's."

@Jeffman - Have you been butt spelunking yet Mr. Jeffman? alois said it was only to make him happy, not because of a sexual perversion. You ought to try it, go on, life is too short not to.

@Eve - You'd be surprised at how easy it is to get your head stuck in things. As if stairwell railings and elephant butts weren't bad enough, there's also:
1.) toilet bowls (can't express the dangers of drowning when getting a Swirlie and having an unusually pointed head)
2.) an oven ( don't have to really explain this one do I?)
3.) a large drain pipe
4.) a bucket
5.) a plastic bag (note: suffocation is possible)
6.) a basketball hoop (who said white men can't jump? they just don't have good aim)

Okay, those are just a few hazards to look out for. In the meantime, you kids play safe!

Static said...

Anyone else ever get their head stuck in an elephant before? Share. Tell us how it happened, and more importantly, how you got it unstuck.

Static said...

Okay. No response tells me I am asking the wrong question.

Let's redirect here then.

Who out there has had an elephant stuck in their butt? Tell us how it happened, and most importantly, how you got it unstuck.

Anonymous said...

any ideas on how i could get my head stuck up an eles butt? really!

Static said...

@ Anonymous - Numero uno, amigo: You have to get your head unstuck from your own butt. You can't expect to move up to the ladder of success without starting at the bottom first. Then and only then can you move onto shoving your head up the butts of other living organisms.

Anonymous said...

do you think his head really went up the elephants butt? seriously though, i want to do it. can you tell me how to get the chance?

Static said...

Very well, Anonymous. I do think his head is in fact up the elephant's butt. Are you blind? Because it sure looks that way to me.

Okay, simple instructions for you to try this at home/in public: FIRST you must purchase a bag of peanuts, preferably Planter's brand peanuts. Seeing as you're blind and all this may pose a challenge for you, so be sure to ask the cashier if you have Planter's. You must also acquire a jar of Vaseline while you are there. Then purchase a ticket for admission to your local zoo. Upon entrance to the zoo, find the elephants. Just sniff around for them, that's how blind folks find things right? One you have sniffed them out, smear your entire head in Vaseline. Get the bag of peanuts ready and sneak into their cages and then distract the elephants with lots of peanuts. While the elephants are distracted make your way behind them and shove your head inside the most willing elephant(s). Tada! Mission accomplished, freak.

Static said...

p.s. Happy Thanksgiving!

Guy who wants his head up an elephants butt said...

Most people would call me gross for wanting to do that. I am not blind. Can you get a picture at a different angle? And i seriously want my head up an elephant butt. Anyone else who wants to, tell me and static, do you think its gross that i want to do that and do you think i will ever get to? plus, im allergic to peanuts. do elephants like anything else?

guy who wants his head up an 4 said...

do you think he was covered in s*** when he came out? the other thing i want to do is be covered in cow manure, elephant s***, or horse manure. how could i do that? any suggestions?

Guy who wants his head up an elephant butt said...

lol i was just kidding about wanting to be covered in crap, but not the elephant butt thing. i wasnt kidding about that. but do you thhink he was covered in elephant s***?

Static said...

@ Guy who wants his head up an elephant butt: I'm convinced you aren't just gross, you are wholly completely deranged or you just have a sick sense of humor. But I am inclined to believe it's both.

Incidentally, before you even THINK about getting lucky, Alois suggests that elephants like to be fed a fine meal at a fancy restaurant, preferably Italian, then see a Blockbuster movie such as Dumbo or Out Of Africa and then be hand fed chocolate covered strawberries washed down with an expensive champagne under the moonlight on a deserted beach.

You MUST romance the elephant, warm up to it, before you thrust your head up any of it's orifices. Didn't your mother teach you any manners at all? Have you learnt nothing about dating etiquette in all your repugnant existence(which also pertains to those pink elephants you've been courting)?

Good golly...furthermore, there will be no more Alois mounting pachyderms/pachyderms mounting Alois pictures for you to whack off to. What do you think this is, a bestiality pornographic website? Sheesh! If you really want your head up an elephant's butt (which will most likely result in your being covered in shit) then follow the advice I have given thus far and best of luck with that. Cheerio, sleazeball.

Anonymous said...

@ Guy who wants his head up an elephant butt - you are a suppository and a Nazi. You will be covered in dry dung and ignited.

guy who wants his head up an elephant butt said...

did you take the picture yourself? and im not deranged, i just do want my head up an elephant butt. please give me another picture, or tell me where you got the picture/story. did you come up with tis yourself? and stop making fun of me. its true that im wierd, but i just do. gosh.

Static said...

@ Anonymous - I agree. Rolling him in elephant dung now...anybody got a light?

Static said...

@ guy who wants his head up an elephant butt - For the love of all that is good and holy, no I did NOT take the picture myself.
Google. Do you use it?
This is called satire. Learn it, biznatch.

No one is making fun of you. You are doing a great job of that all by yourself. And trust me, you are unquestionably deranged AND weird. Anyone who wants their head up an elephant butt has to be a bit touched.

Now, don't get too excited, there are persons out there who do this simply because it's their job, although probably not a favorite part of, or something they look forward to in their job. But part of their job nevertheless.

What's that? What job would allow someone to put their head up an elephant's ass you ask-especially if they enjoy it? Well if you can't figure that out, you have some bigger problems than just wanting to put your head up an elephant's bunghole..all I can say is lol just lol. I'd suggest trying veterinary school, but I have a sneaking suspicion you lack the intelligence to grasp basic biology, physiology and anatomy; other than where to locate the anus of your patients. And let's be honest, you'd have great difficulty finding your way of a paper bag stuck in an elephant's anus.

Sooo...Oh, I know! BETTER YET--run for public office, because you my friend...are a shoo-in! And the best shoes for the job you already own, you big fucking clown.

Static said...

@ psychopervert - Well surprise surprise surprise! You want to be covered in elephant shit??? As if I couldn't deduce that from the mere mention of your fantasy of sticking your head up an elephant's rectum.

Mmmkay--I'm no longer laughing. I'm actually a bit creeped out now.

Static said...

p.s. correction to my previous reply: "And let's be honest, you'd have great difficulty finding your way [OUT] of a paper bag stuck in an elephant's anus."

I still contend that this is the most popular theory up to this point.

guy who finnaly got his head up an elephants ass and got shitted on by... 50 pounds at least said...

1. whats a narcissist? 2. search "close up of elephant shitting on google images for the elephant butt picture. its so close up! you can see the hairs on the elephants butt! that close! 3. at the zoo yesterday i went to the elephant area when my parents left me alone. i snuck in the area where the elephants are inside where nobody can see. the elephants were having sex... eww well i went under the elephants when they were done having sex and found some liquid tube thing... it said "for constipated elephants." i rubbed it on the elephants ass... and it crapped all over me! it smelled soo bad... but i loved it! then i got out. one of the elephants started to crap. i ran over to it. i found a stool, stripped down to my underwear and crawled up the elephants butt. it was awesome! it even felt warm and i could feel it trying to shit me out. i crawled so far in, that i was totally inside. then it succeeded in shitting me out. i always wondered what getting shitted out felt like. then i saw a caamera. im glad they caught it on tape. 4. are you sure that pictures not a trick on angles?

i lied said...

lol just kidding but i wish i really did

Static said...

@ Anonymous: You must be speaking from personal experience, because you sound like quite the expert on elephant rectal examinations and semen collection. I bet you found this post while searching Google for elephant porn as you were gargling elephant semen. So I guess the joke's on you. As a side note, are you related to former Vice President Dan Quale or his son Ben Quale? Because you should know that "picture" (not potato) is spelled with an 'e' at the end of it, dumbass.

Kelly said...

This "Anonymous' is just now making a stupid comment on a post that is almost two years old? WTF?

Static said...

@7masterheathen "Anonymous" is just a garden variety troll. Watching grass grow is more entertaining.

Rafael Clarkstein said...

Hello, Anonymous, succhiami mio coglioni.

Static said...

@ Anonymous: Is that drivel the best you've got??

Gee, y'know, some people in Medina, Ohio are rather demented and have too much time of their hands, don't they?

Take you for example. You seem to think this story has any relevance to a factual occurrence.

How sad and pathetic you are.

I think I should make a phone call to Armstrong Cable Services and report your ISP ( for several TOS violations...I'd be doing you, your mother, the cable company, and the planet a favor in the long run.

And considering you probably haven't paid your bill in god knows how many months, they'll probably cut your services as you are wanking it for the 500 billionth time to the attached elephant picture and nearing that ever elusive climax, as you sit in your parent's basement turning a whiter shade of pale at their expense, limp dick.

What with your steady diet of crank foilies and beastiality porn sites which my blog has somehow gotten mixed up in because of your inept ability to use keyword searches effectively - means you most likely do not work and are the best candidate for comparison sake here which this story represents.

So feel free to remove the corn cob from your ass, kindly fuck off, and see your way to a cliff and jump off of it at your earliest convenience, you waste of skin. Kthxbai.

Static said...

@ Anonymous: What's the matter? Does the "Cat"..I mean, does the "ELEPHANT ANUS got your tongue"? I see you've been back since I posted my response, and since a couple days have passed, I can only assume you are thinking really hard to come up with as equally brilliant a response as you've come up with so far. Either that or the cable company finally cut your service. Maybe you're seeking out another ancient computer and an internet connection that you can borrow for a few minutes to get a last wank in before you reply...try the public library? - or perhaps you are a bit more sophisticated and learned in the way of computers and you're seeking out unsecured Wi-Fi signals around your neighborhood that you can use to search for more elephant porn - that is if you even know how to do that. Crap, now I'm just giving you ideas, aren't I? Well, darn it all. To be frank, I don't really give a pile of pachyderm poop what the reason is. But in between giving rim jobs to the elephants at the zoo, will you find the time to carry out my other instructions as well, please? Thanks again.

Insincerely Yours, you zoophiliac;


Anonymous said...

yay pachyderm poop i still want my head up an elephant butt to feel that poop

Static said...


Anonymous said...

I wish i were alois he went. up the elephants butts all the time sccordind. to you r story and loved it. i would too

Anonymous said...

Come on people. I crawl up male elephant butts all the time naked and it is freaked awesome. I work at a zoo and i do it every night. and i go all the way in. sometime's i get stuck. but i don't care. :)

Static said...


Anonymous said...


Agent 54 said...

Now, I feel much better about my Krappy job.

Please check out the greatest blog ever: Agent 54 http://agent54nsa.blogspot.com/

Static said...

You are not only a humor blogger, Agent 54, but a crappy one at best, so I feel for you.

Anonymous said...

The Democrats and Republicans are at it again... aye?

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