Gloria in Excelsis Deo

Mon Nov. 17, 2008

Drama, Greece (Krapsody) - A sad day for Krapsody as one of our reporters, Gloria Phlogiston, was done in at a motocross track yesterday evening while taping a story about the dangers involved with motorcycle racing. The captured footage gives a horrifying glimpse of when stunts go wrong, such as her coverage of the world speed record made in a jet powered wheelchair that ended in the deaths of well over 90 people in September.

Contained in the video clip you will see that Gloria is sitting on the tailgate of a large truck which has been rigged with pyrotechnic special effects and includes a hidden motorcycle that is supposed to fly out the back of the truck and detonate the explosives. The motorcycle appears momentarily in the background behind Gloria, the pyrotechnics erupt with a brief flash igniting Gloria's hair and microphone, whereupon she catches fire, curses and collapses to the ground.

According to authorities the motorcycle driver mistook his cue to eject from the back of the truck with that of the camera crew.

Before she began her report, Gloria's hairdresser had sprayed copious amounts of Aqua Net hairspray onto her giant coif to hold it in place, which was the fatal ingredient in this particular recipe for disaster.

The incident occurs just weeks before the 2009 European Motocross Championship, and even though the camera crew had concerns about shooting the clip with the stunt driver in place, Gloria dismissed them claiming " use worrying over trifles and soiled panties."

Enclosed below is the footage of her last moment with us. This may not be suitable for persons with heart conditions, or children - particularly children with heart conditions, or people that have heart conditions and children ... discretion is advised.

Gloria will be missed. She survived being a human shield for Iraqi soldiers under sniper fire to get us the latest stories from Baghdad, endured swimming with and hand-feeding great white sharks live grenades to report on their eating habits while in South Africa, and narrowly escaped death when she was crash testing the latest Hyundai sport utility vehicle for us by driving it off a steep cliff.

Brash, hotheaded, impulsive, headstrong, fiery, reckless; Gloria would often ignore requests to think and slow down before she'd blow it. Gloria was a true maverick.

Let us not remember her for this tragedy that took her from this earth, but for her dedication to her craft. It was not always as journalist, but also as chimney sweeper, volunteer firefighter and explosives engineer. She went out in a Blaze of Glory and you and I - you and I just fade away ...

Gloria, I think they got your number.
G-l-o-r-i-a, Gloria
I'm gonna shout it all night, Gloria
I'm gonna shout it every day, Gloria

Yeah, dead and gone. Such a tragedy. But goddamn it, isn't that the funniest shit ever? ecstatic smiley


G. Eric Francis said...


Angry_Clown said...

It would be even funnier if my computer allowed me to play vids.

I imagine the video was of her bursting into flames whilst eating a large elephant and was also dancing around a pole, naked stroking her fake wooden leg with the corpse of a chicken and screaming the lyrics to happy days.

Am I right?

Gorilla Bananas said...

It was more like someone ignited her fart, Damian 666. I hope she survived.

One Time said...

Aqua Net? Holy guacamole! I haven't heard of anyone using Aqua Net in years!

Static said...

@Grefuture - Wrong, but oh so right. =D

@Damian - Nope, you are wrong about the eating an elephant part. It was an octopus. All the rest was factually accurate.

@Mr. Bananas - That is possible. Since nothing but flatulence is emitted whenever she opened her mouth. But alas, this time she lost her life.

@Officer One Time - It's still sold in stores and used by leading socialites in New Jersey, trailer park trash in Texas and cholas in Southern California.

I haven't seen a get up (clothes and all) like that since the 80's.
Now pass me the chips, guacamole sounds good.

Lori Gomez said...

Ahaha Is that footage for real?

I have to say this: "Before she began her report, Gloria's hairdresser had sprayed copious amounts of Aqua Net hairspray onto her giant coif to hold it in place, which was the fatal ingredient in this particular recipe for disaster."

Has me cackling like a cracked out hyena well before I viewed that video. Aqua Net? Giant coif? Fatal ingredient?

But, of course, the title is what is genius.
RIP Gloria...

Static said...

@LoriGVW: The footage is real. Glory to Evel Knieval in the highest. Amen. But different possible answers may include: a) one fact has been altered b) some facts were altered c) several facts were altered d) all of the above. Hint: (all of the answers provided are correct.)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...