Obama's First Task as President

Obama haz LULZ

Washington, D.C. (Krapsody) - As you all know, unless you are living under a rock, or in a cave, America has chosen it's new leader. We give you President Barack "the Brock" Obama. America's first whitest "black" president.

American voters did face the most difficult of all decisions in last night's election. Polls indicated that after Obama's infomercial on Oct 30, many voters were confused as to whether to vote Obama, and they'd receive a free set of Ginsu knives and a Bedazzler; or whether to vote McCain and receive a senior citizen Wal-Mart greeter with Alzheimer's, and a grinning redneck dressed in Banana Republican outerwear shooting squirrels in their backyard. Certainly a tough decision by any standards.

But of course American citizens made the best choice when they voted last night, just as they always do. Obama was the winner hands down. All was well in the world. People across the planet partied in the streets when it heard of Obama's win over McCain. People were in love with America once again. Even Gawd him/herself gave his/her vote of transgender confidence and goatse blessings upon the USA.

gawd goatse obama

However, just when you suddenly thought it may be cool to be an American again or love Brock Obama and the USA, a bomb was dropped.

Shortly after being invited by President Bush to the White House, soon-to-be President Obama released this press statement, "My fellow Americans, now that I have been elected President of the United States of America, it is time for me to start taking steps to ensure the safety and security of our country."

"Following former President Bush's immigration policies, I have chosen to take measures to eliminate all that is abominable, deficient, and inferior about America."

"That is why I am rounding up all the white people and putting them on boats back to Europe. It's my people's time, and it's been a very long struggle. I'm sorry it has to be this way. But that's how I roll bitches."

"If you are Native American, you can stay. But the rest of you gotta go, including you Asians and Latinos."

"First ship leaves in 10 minutes. I will start with the white supremacists of the Ku Klux Klan. Mr. Bush and Mr. McCain will go next. Then I will work my way down from the elderly, to middle-aged and young men. We will keep your women for propagation, especially that Sarah Palin broad, she's a good breeder isn't she? As for your children, they will be kept for slave labor. The homeless will be sent to the gas chambers, and disposed of since they are of no use."

"This was what you old white folks were scared of the most, America. Fear of a Black Planet. You've been owned." Then he laughed maniacally.

Europeans were horrified. How can Europe contain all these displaced Americans? French President Nicolas Sarkozy stated, "Ve don't hav anee room for zees people! Besides ve hate Americanz. Let zem die." All of Europe was in agreement.

Caucasians everywhere in America were shoving their cars full of their valuables and belongings after hearing the news, many were heading for Mexico. They made it as far as Texas, and then they ran out of gas.

They had to walk the rest of the way on foot, through their own shitty US-Mexico Border that was partially rebuilt in the last eight years, in a half-assed manner by illegal aliens. They had to crawl under hundreds of yards of barbed wire, run across the desert like pack mules, swim across the rivers to reach safety among the noble Mexican people they so often took for granted or snubbed on their vacations.

Many of them perished from dehydration, exposure, drowning, scorpion stings, rattlesnake bites, and banditos taking potshots at them from hilltops.

So now the rest of the White Americans are either sailing around the world with no port to open to them. Or they are taking their chances crossing into Canada, getting trampled by moose, and mauled by wild bear, and cannibal Mounties.

O! It is a sad for America, indeed. Goodbye, cruel world. I bid you adieu. I'm going now. See you on the other side. *Gasp! *sobs farts sobs.

To be continued...


Gorilla Bananas said...

Who'd be the quarterback in your "football" games if all the white men left?

Static said...

Hmm, silly ape. Racism is for people.

Well, let's see... who'd be quarterback? Tarvaris Jackson of the Vikings, for one.

Mind you, there are plenty more persons of color who quarterback on NFL teams, if you have a look at this link.

Skeptical much? So there.

*thumbs nose in Mr. Banana's general direction

Gorilla Bananas said...

Wasn't racism the whole point of the post? But truly, it is a sign of progress that black men are allowed to be quarterbacks in modern day America. I'm sure Kunte Kinte would never have dreamed it possible as he ran away from his sadistic "massa" for the umpteenth time. It can't be long before we'll see a white man playing for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Static said...

@Gorilla Bananas - Yes, it was the point, about how ridiculous racism is overall.

Kunte Kinte probably also never dreamed that white men could ever play for the Harlem Globetrotters because they can't jump...unless there's a crowd of black people walking towards them, then you'll not ever see a white man jump and run so fast.

Of course white men never dreamed that a person of color would become president, so I'm sure there's a share of caucasians jumping off of cliffs as I type this.

Caucasian feminist jumping off a cliff said...

If everyone else was jumping off a cliff, wouldn't you?!

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