Christmas Prowler On Loose is Caught

santa shitting
How to tell if you've been naughty

Sat Dec. 27 , 2008

Christmas Town, U.S.A. (Krapsody) - The Christmas prowler still on the on loose has a name...Santa! That's right year after year "jolly old Saint Nick" has been raiding and looting homes across the globe!

It's the night before Christmas and you might think that you and your family are safe and snug in your beds, but if you think that no one is stirring, not even a mouse, you're sadly mistaken. The truth is that Christmas Eve is the one time of year when you're in the most danger from America's longest-running fugitive, the midnight prowler known as "Santa Claus."

Despite being single-handedly responsible for a centuries-long crime spree, Santa Claus has never been successfully taken into custody, nor has a security camera ever taken any pictures that could be positively identified as being him. At least in part, this is because Santa's crimes are always committed under the cover of night on a major holiday, and because he has always targeted private residences instead of business establishments.

Santa has been up to a whole lot of no-good this season. If you've been following our up to the minute reporting you'd know that he almost canceled Christmas this year.

Based on the few eyewitness accounts of Santa Claus in action, the FBI has constructed this composite sketch:

santa sucks

sketch by forensic artist Alice B. (age 7)

Thank heavens the man was fully dressed for that illustration. It's a stunning likeness, don't you think?

One of our investigators was able to locate one of Santa Claus' accomplices who has accompanied him on several of these annual raids. On the condition that his identity not be revealed he was willing to speak to one of our reporters, Krapsody's own, Dubious Monk.

Mr. Monk refers to our informant only as "Reindeer X."

"I'm one of the newest of Santa's recruits," said Reindeer X, "so I couldn't tell you much about his earlier raids. But my guess is that his tactics haven't changed much. He's pretty set in his ways."

"Why am I spilling the beans on Santa? Because it's got to be told," Reindeer X continued. "And I still feel like a misfit in Santa's private air force. Oh, sure, the other reindeer won't come out and say anything, but they still don't invite me to join in any reindeer games."

"We start by landing on the rooftop of the target house," Reindeer X added.

"So far as I know, he doesn't case the houses first. It's like he's got a sixth sense or something."

Reindeer X alleges, "Santa just knows where to land. How to get in without getting caught. Whether the owners have been naughty or nice."

"He gets in through the fireplace. I don't know how he does it. But that's probably what he's counting on - that nobody would think someone would just pop down the chimney, right into their living rooms."

santa burglar

"Everybody locks their doors and even their windows these days, but have you ever heard of anybody thinking to lock their chimneys?" Reindeer X laughs and shakes his head.

"You think he's going to leave gifts for you, but Santa can clean a place out in under a minute. Doesn't matter what it is. Milk, cookies, beer; even your household pets. Once he's in your house - it's as good as gone."

According to Reindeer X, Santa has even taken up flashing. Santa considers flashing to be harmless fun. But with all likelihood you wouldn't think that if he flashed you.

Reindeer X concluded, "The fact is, there's not much the police or even the FBI can do. Before they know what's happened, Santa will have crossed the border into international airspace. Even his secret stronghold - hidden somewhere near the North Pole - is outside of any nation's jurisdiction. Except for maybe Canada, and we've burned one too many bridges for them to care enough."

If you have any information that might lead to the arrest and conviction of Santa Claus or any other fugitive from justice, send it in along with whatever cash and credit cards you have in your wallet.

Hand it over now or the fat guy gets it!


Gorilla Bananas said...

That picture of him flashing is a set up, no mother would react that quickly.

Static said...

@Gorilla Bananas - You think they'd stare a bit more first, maybe be in a state of shock before reacting perhaps?

Ms Scarlet said...

I saw him in a department store in the High Street. He was carrying a sack so was obviously up to no good. He must be stopped, he's an International criminal.

Happy New Year Static!

Anonymous said...

lol why be hatin on christmas man!!

Thinkinfyou said...

I hope he's caught in a state that has the death penalty!! He deserves it!!

Static said...

@RBV - You sound like you have some experience in the matter. Has Santa flashed you lately? Oh, that's right...that was The Black Unibomber who spunked all over your car 'cause you didn't give him a ride...much different from a caucasian Santa Claus in a red and white suit who wants to take you for a ride. My aplogies.

@scarlet-blue - Happy New Year SC!

Yes, Santa must be stopped. Carrying around his sack-full, leaving Mrs. Claus all alone on Christmas Eve, philandering around with gawd knows who...Alaskan Govenor Sarah Palin said she can see Santa's house from her bedroom window (she's just making sure Mrs. Claus ain't spying on her and Santa.) =)

@Gboo - I'm not hatin' on Christmas so much as I am the commercialization and dumbing down of an ideal that should be all year round. I like the holiday, but not simply for buying and/or getting everything under the sun to feel complete.

Most news during December focused on how much retail sales were down this season. Well, la dee fricken da. People have been put out on the street lately, isn't that more important right now?

Couldn't retailers suck it up a bit and blood-sucking corporations, such as AIG, get into the real spirit of Christmas and give back something from it's Government Bailout Plan to the communities it helped ruin?

No, they give bonuses to their CEO's so they won't bail on them, layoff more employees and then go vacation in exotic locations.

What we needed was a real Santa, a vigilante to deliver some lumps, regulate the spending, slash some bonuses by 70%, and puke in some stockings this year.

Btw, Happy Hanukkah. Hope it was a good one for you..and somewhat devoid of holiday consumerism.

@Thinkinfyou - Santa doesn't deserve the death penalty imo. I think a double dose of terror suspect torture by Dick Cheney himself would do just fine.

That would consist of seating Santa with his feet in a bucket of water, and having a car battery/jumper cables duo applied frequently...

to Dick Cheney's nipples.

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