From Russia With Love

"He's making a list / Checking it twice" Remember those lyrics from "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town?" Well, in the spirit of making lists and gift-giving, I'd like to share what I really want for Christmas - a Russian mail-order bride.

Let me add that this is only because I get three thousand spam emails per day that push me towards seeking one. Well, not quite that many really...but since they were offering, I naturally got curious to see what's behind the former Iron Curtain (since it's too difficult to look through the rivet hole.)

I just have to clear this with the wife first.

And I have a good argument. I mean, this could prove very beneficial in a variety of ways.

For example:

1.) She could cook and clean for both of us (think how much time that would save!)
2.) She could run errands for us (again, a great time saver!)
3.) She could walk around the house in skimpy outfits (okay, that's more for me!)

Oddly enough, having recently submitted Krapsody to a variety of Russian search engines, I haven't heard or seen much of them. Maybe it's the language barrier. Maybe it's because I do not offer free borscht.

According to Google Analytics, I've had 3 viewers from Russia (Moscow and St. Petersburg respectively,) 2 viewers from Ukraine, 1 from Belarus. But no one from Kazakhstan, and no one in Lithuania. There's many more as the list goes on.

So I think it's high time I got some Ruskies pissed off. Maybe a few lurkers will stop by and leave some nasty comments after reading this.

Russian Women - The Real Truth

Let's look at the reality behind Russian mail-order brides. There are many beautiful girls in Russia, but be sure there are just as many ugly ones too. I've heard that females in Siberia and the Ukraine are very beautiful. Who knows if it's true? The same could be said of any country - so that's kind of a moot point.

I'm 99.9% positive that the girls pictured on those sites are often models; inaccurate representations of the real women behind the fake ads. Those mail-order-bride sites usually show those kinds of girls instead of the less attractive ones. Trust me. I spent enough time on one of those Russian bride sites to have an opinion. For research, obviously. What I would like to see is the kind of women who are walking around on the streets every day.

This is fantasy:

hot russian mail order brides

Another good example of a fantasy is this:

hot russian mail order bride

But fairly often when I think of Russian women I think of this:

russian women have huge muscles lol

or this:

Christ Jesus! That last photo damaged my shields. I'm losing hit points very fast now. I must rejuvenate! Hold on a sec...

That's better. Now where was I? Oh yes. Continuing my thoughts about what Russian women look like - you can't believe everything you see - especially on the internet. Things like personal appearance can be quite different in reality. When some "Russian girl" spams me, I tend to think of the following image:

russian women not hawt lol

Maybe another good caption for this would be: i wuld luv 2 cyber with u lol

If that's not weird enough for ya, maybe THIS is. Just keep that in mind next time you're online. And have yourself a Merry Christmahanukwanzakuh!

santa lol


RBV said...

You kind of make me want a mail order bride. Do they sell them to women? On the other hand, I'm kind of pissed at the Russians because they ALWAYS spam my blog comments and subscribe with phony e-mail addresses. Then again...a bitch to do my ironing...niiice.

Static said...

@RBV - See, it's catching, innit? Mail order brides can be bought by anyone with an email address and a bank acct in the USA.

I detest those spammers too. I say we own their asses, and make them do all our house chores from now on.

Anonymous said...

Good luck with your Natasha! :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

There's got to be a catch somewhere. How do you stop them running away when you've bought them? The same bride could be sold over and over again. It's like that film 'Skin Game' starring James Garner and Louis Gosset Jnr.

Static said...

@Funny Buburuza - Thanks. I'm thinking if her back is hairy enough, she could use it to sweep the floor and scrub the shower. Hairy backs are quite versatile y'know. Just ask Mr. Bananas.

@Gorilla Bananas - The same way we stop gorillas from escaping. Fear, food, locked chains, and fences. Lots of mail-order brides live in captivity and do quite well.

Mikey said...

great stuff. thanks.

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Mitt Romney said...

That's a great idea. Maybe I'll move to Utah and purchase 10 mail-order brides! Polygamy is AWESOME!

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