Xmas Cometh or Not

Sat Dec. 06, 2008

North Pole (Krapsody) - Xmas Cometh!
Christmas is coming. 1 in 10 people are excited. 9 in 10 people could give a damn. Why are Santa’s elves at the North Pole so short? Many of the materials they used to make toys come from China. This has made Santa very depressed. Leading him to turn to pornography, drink heavily, smoke, and use intravenous drugs.

The santa clausification of Santa Claus will end
when the frozen human heads are found in his basement
or the animal porn collection is unearthed.

Mr. Claus and Mrs. Claus have separated because of his habits. Santa has dropped nearly two hundred and fifty pounds in less than a year. Mrs. Claus says all he does anymore is lie around, get high and play Grand Theft Auto IV. Santa is a burn out folks, and has announced that he is canceling Christmas, possibly forever. Santa needs an intervention, so that's just what we're gonna do.

"I've gone through three eight-balls of crystal, two grams of smack, a case of Colt .45, and an entire carton of glue in the last 24 hours," said Santa, "if I get anymore wasted, my brain cells are gonna explode."

Let's see what the Three Wise Men have to say about this:

Santa busted out laughing, a snot bubble briefly formed in his left nostril. And then Santa blurted, "I guess we now know what they really brought Jesus. It wasn't gold, frankincense, or myrr. It was marijuwana, hashish, and smack. Jesus endorses teh hard drugzzzzzz?? Ho ho ho, lol!"

Then he abruptly stopped laughing, became stone-faced, and a few moments later started to laugh again. "LOL LOL LOL LOL!" Santa went on and on for what seemed an eternity. And eventually he stopped once more and stared off into space. Santa has clearly lost his damn mind.

Other unfortunate events that caused Santa's spirits to plummet even further, were the hundreds of thousands of workers worldwide who were laid off, and the man that was killed in a stampede of frenzied holiday Wal-Mart shoppers on "Black Friday" in Long Island, New York. Jdimytai Damour, 34, had been assigned to cover security as an independent contractor during the holiday season, and now a lawsuit is in the works.

"What the hell is wrong with people?" Santa yelled. (Oh, no he's getting belligerent.)

Santa continued, "Humans are very strange creatures. What is it about a Wal-Mart line, or the interstate, that makes a person's IQ automatically drop by about 50 points? Do you ever witness people doing such outlandish stupid things that you can't help but wonder how they actually manage to survive?"

Santa paused for a great moment. It appeared like he was going to fall asleep, but then he snapped awake and added, "I may not have all of life's answers, but I sure have the ability to call people out on their stupidity."

"I am urging you, dear readers, and believers in the Spirit of Christmas, to answer that call as well. You're reading Krapsody, so I know your IQ level is higher than the average person. Or is it?" Santa laughs for several minutes again.

"Now you can either rest comfortably knowing that, or you can join me in my crusade to stamp out the plague of stupidity that is running rampant across the planet. Do we really need to hand out another Darwin Award?"

Santa cried out, "Will you accept your responsibility? Will you accept the challenge?"

"That's why I'm canceling Christmas, because it appears that not a single member of the human race will! You @@#@%%@!" And with that Santa passed out cold.

Mrs. Claus believes an intervention is necessary, and has contacted Dr. Phil, if not simply to treat Santa possibly to replace him. A stand-in for Santa is urgent. A casting call has been sent across the globe. The call requests that all applicants be overweight, have a hearty laugh, they must be able to work under pressure, drive a sled pulled by stubborn reindeer, and deliver gifts in a frenzy to beat the clock in multiple time zones.

Potential candidates to date include:

This guy:

And this monkey:

Let's be frank: this seems hopeless. Santa is headed for the grave and that will only devastate the children.

Won't you help save Christmas? You can send your financial support to my PayPal account listed in the right hand column. I will then forward the money to Mrs. Claus to continue the search for a new Santa (minus a few dollars for my services of course...lol.) Don't do that. Not that you would, but I've seen many funny things in my life.

Until then we'll just have to go with the reasonably functioning drunk.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours everyone!


Anonymous said...

Black tar heroin, the gift that keeps on giving!

Donnie said...

I'm serving Xanax and hydrocodone for dessert Christmas day. Welcome, one and all. Bring your bank roll for good time.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Humans are supposed to act dumb during Christmas. I want you all to put on silly hats and an erectile tooting horn in each nostril. Have you got enough nasal power make those tooting horns erect? Put you nose where your mouth is, boys.

Anonymous said...

You are truly the spawn of satan for posting this very personal story about me. Guess what you're getting for christmas, junior? That's right, a bucket of slop

Donny Ruth said...

Allow me to intervene. Please send Santa my e-mail and I'll give him some advice on to get that hot cougs Mrs. Claus back. All anyone needs is the love of a strong woman and the will to beat her when she steps out of line.

One Time said...

Holy crap, were you hiding behind a door at some of my recent calls for service? We must be working in the same city...

Anonymous said...

This is by far the best festive sing song...ever. Enjoy:

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Thinkinfyou said...

Static,what would the world do without you,and your incessant helping!?!

Static said...

@Rusty - And giving, and giving. Kind of like Santa did, before he keeled over.

@Don - Santa perked up when he heard of this. He's saying x-mas is back on, and he'll be there. Only it will be late at night, along his deliveries, so he asks that you leave the party favors by the fireplace. k thx bye!

@Gorilla B - I've got news for you. Everything you said is true. Just go down to a local pub and take a gander.

@Santa Claws - I'd take your bucket of slop, however I think you're going to need it for Christmas Eve when YOU DINE IN HELL!

@DonnyRuth - Santa has never raised a hand to a woman in his life, and I don't think he'll start. He can barely raise his head off the floor, much less out of the toilet on a good day. I'll pass along your email addy, you can both reminisce over your "Dear Santa Letter" you wrote so many years ago, asking for the medieval torture devices.

@Officer One Time - Would that be the crack whore who had a stillborn child, left it in the bathroom while she went about her business, sucking on a glass pipe until the medics and cops arrived? Yep, that was me.

@Pwn Greenland - That spng tptally pwns!

@Thinkinfyou - Hmm, I don't know...continue it's downward spiral into oblivion, or until I set it right?
I've been watching it slowly make it's way down, and stop up the drain a lil more everyday. Hold on, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go get the plunger and help it along. =P

Kelly said...

That was the most festive Santa clip I've ever seen. Really put me in the mood to kill everyone. Thanks, Static.

Erectile tooting horn? I'm getting one for the wife for Christmas. Mine is broke.

Anonymous said...

Oh you'll get yours Static


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...