Institutions of Jocularity Part I

Fri Jan. 09, 2009

Dingleberry, USA (Krapsody) - Sphincterology, it's not just for assholes anymore. In my continuing effort to bring readers great things, I present you with the latest scoop on religious cults and their megalomaniacal leaders and sheep-like followers..damn you all.

For international superstar Tom Cruise, Sphincterology opens up a "hole" new world. It's not only enlightening, it's amusing. Just watch the video to see what I'm talking about.

Sphincterology involves regular fisterectomies, which result in the loss of use of everything below the waist for up to 48 hours. Most members are masculinazis, that means that male chauvinism is common within most circles of Sphincterology.

Many Sphincterologists subscribe to and assert the following Sphincterolisms:

1.) men should rule the world
2.) child-bearing is the prime purpose for which females serve
3.) daily affirmations to oneself, "Big Bone Lick" repeat 200 times
4.) believe a Barbie doll is an accurate representation of the average American female
5.) view women and effeminate males* as love slaves who must wait hand and foot on every command of members of the male gender

*effeminate males are described by Sphincterologists as males who have no testicular fortitude, have wet dreams about getting fisted, and are more interested in their Nintendo Wii, knitting, and Emo music rather than watching NASCAR or joining Sphincterology.

Some Famous Sphincterologists

richard gere sphincterologist
Richard Gere

richard gere's gerbil
The Gerbil

the richard gere gerbils speak

gw suck face
gw kiss
gw likey his meat dark

George W. Bush
"This explains a lot about my son. 
Is there really a game where you have to put on makeup and kiss other boys?"
- George H. W. Bush Sr.

I know what you're thinking..yes. I. do. Now before you clench your buttocks and your bunghole starts to pucker in anticipation, The Church of Spincterology doesn't accept everybody as a member. Potential members must be able to perform the following steps in front of a panel of Sphincterologists.

For males:

Take a sock and roll it up like a donut.

Put a latex surgical glove in the rolled up sock.
Wrap the end of the glove over the top of the sock to hold it in place.
Lube up the inside.

Strap-on and go at it. You can also put it between two pillows, and pump away.

For females:

Take a balloon or small beach ball and fill it about half way with air.

Place it between your legs and find a good position, use the arm of a sofa or something to steady yourself upon the balloon or beach ball, and bounce on, rock on, wiggle on and squeeze the ball. Be careful not to burst it with your nipple clamps! Also be careful not to blow up the ball too tightly - it can split at a seam and lose air when you start bouncing like mad! But that "danger" can add to the excitement...You never know when it's gonna burst.

Interested parties must also perform the following in the presence of a certified member to be considered for "Sphinctership":

Be able to recite all of Michael Bolton's song lyrics in order of album release

Refer to everyone as 'mortal' in all conversations and finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy"

Construct elaborate "crop circles" on your front lawn or the nearest one for the non-homeowner

Declare your apartment or home an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs/next door for "violating your airspace"

Wear clothes colored only in Hunter's Orange

Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your personal space "to prevent contamination"

And finally, find a gumball machine and insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again, back to back in one long repeating loop. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme at full volume. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"

Then after completing all the steps required you may receive a letter stating your acceptance to The Church of Sphincterology, or you may get a phone call in the wee morning hours from a very perverted breathy stalker-like voice on the other end that details the next requests for your acceptance.

We cannot publish the outcomes of such phone calls as that would be in violation of the Penile Sphincterological Code.

Krapsody wishes you mortals the best of luck in your quest for Spincterologism. Amen and may Michael Bolton wake you from the deepest sleep by fisting you with the Iron Glove, in accordance with prophecy.

michael bolton buttsecks
Michael Bolton can be your Top Gun, fi dolla

You can find out more about Sphincter-LOLogy by visiting Krapsody for a follow up story.


Anonymous said...

I'm a real sphincterologist.

No, there's no pun to that.

For once, I'm being factual.

Static said...

@Pwn Greenland - I have no doubt that what you say is true, Qelqoth. You must share more details with us about the organization. Do it now for great justice, inquiring minds wanna know.

@Don - Sphincterology has fooled many. There is a hereafter for Sphincterologists, but it is brief and involves a period of waiting for rebirth via a turd girth. Also, L. Ron Hubbard is asking you to wipe softer next time please.

@Thinkinfyou - Yes I am. I admit I have a weird and sometimes sick sense of humor. Btw, the gerbil loved you. Send pics, please. =D

survivor said...

Kraphsody, I think that is an "Assbackward way" at looking at life.

(I told RICHARD I wanted MY GERBIL BACK..) ahem..

now you DEAR SIR have gotten and award from me. COME and pick it up at IDONTGIVEABLEEP.COM

Static said...

@Survivor - You are a wicked wicked woman after my own heart. Wanna elope, I've got a couple tickets to Vegas?

Grazie grazie! Thanks for the compliments! Will publish an article on this later this week. =)


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