Thought For The Day No. Three

Mon January 05, 2009

Location: Shit, Iran (Krapsody) - Here's an idea. Well, it's more like a shot in the dark, sorta like giving a gun to the blind...

How about our government bails out our poorly funded public schools so that maybe one day our immediate future generations will grow up to be people that will have a fighting chance to be smart enough to design, build and sell cars that are economical, use alternate sources of energy, last longer than a few years and are worth more after driving off the lot - and THEN worry about the failing auto industry, which is...failing, despite the absurdly grotesque amounts of money being thrown at it. Surprise, surprise.

Conceivably everyone should help pitch in and build an SUV-Henge. We know that with big cities strapped for tax income (due to all the foreclosures and all the industries pulling out and moving to China or Timbuktu) public parks are hurting too.

Why not take the current glut of undrive-able SUVs and stack them end on end to build a monument to the Sun that can be used at the Summer Solstice to appease whatever Gods are mad at us? (Probably all of them right now.)

A majestic Public Works project is usually just the ticket to cheer people up during hard times, and the raw material and free labor is all around you. If that fails we can always call it "public art." Thousands of years from now OUR ancestors will find SUV-Henge and wonder what the fuck that was all about.

Or maybe we can just continue spinning our wheels and doing everything ass backwards in our denial, and continue the cycle of feeble attempts to look like we know what the hell we are doing? Hey, perhaps a small kick back (just a little bit) to public schools wouldn't hurt in the long run, you know, so the kids can actually learn how to spell "denial", "feeble", and "would you like fries with that?"...if that idea isn't too hard to swallow.

I could sugarcoat it all for you poor apathetic spineless saps that can barely manage to lick the boots of real democracy. Instead, I try to offer much more pleasant things you can think about while the American Way of Life collapses around your ears. Then, once the dust settles, we can all relax, and commence destroying the planet again (in an entirely different way this time.)

School closures are a serious fricking matter people. I rue the day when our daily routine looks like this:

If you are in denial about your feeble attempts to understand how the internet works, and your fat sausage-like fingers are too greasy from eating fries - just click this here darn link right there duhur! --->

Oh, forget it. We're doomed. The only logical choice is to hoard rice.

Come on, I know you want to do it with me. Sometimes, just being told you aren’t allowed to do something is enough to make that thing the only thing in the world you ever wanted to do. It's reverse psychology, but now I may have ruined it for the novice thinker.

If that's the case I'll happily walk you through the process: Buy your four 100 pound bag limit at one Sam’s Club, drive to another and buy four more, then back to the one you started at and buy four more, and don’t stop until your entire house is so full of burlap bags of rice you think you are on a Red Cross ship bound for Myanmar.

There. That ought to keep you busy for the next couple of weeks or so until Barack Obama is finally President. I don’t know how much he’ll be able to fix by the time the inaugural ball is finally over, but at least the madmen will have gone back to Texas.

Anyone want some rice?


Anonymous said...

*sigh*...But I don't like rice...;o(((

RBV said...

Funnily enough, I still have 50 lbs of a 100 lbs bag of rice left over from when I lived with my half-asian boyfriend. Now that he's gone I only use the rice to keep the salt from getting wet and sticky.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I thought you'd mis-spelt "shiite" for a minute. The big American car and the enormously fat woman are cultural icons.

Soge shirts said...

haha even though that post was funny there is a lot of truth to it. I would much rather stay out of the middle east and try to actually invest in the schools. Obama is great but he has a disaster to fix. Thanks for the fattest lady ever to be in a bikini. Just too hot.

Meg said...

Do we buy the Japanese rice or the Chinese?

Anonymous said...

Should you ever stand for election, Static my good fellow, I'd certainly vote for you. So long as you did it in England, of course.

Thinkinfyou said...

WOW! I've never seen you on such a big soapbox before. I was quite impressed!!!

Donny Ruth said...

Giving auto companies bailouts is the EXACT equivalent of giving a hobo change when he says he needs to eat.

Do you think he's buying food with that money? COME ON.

American auto makers can all go eat a large fat spicy dick. They deserve to be out of business.

Whew. I need to calm down.

Static said...

@Pentad - Well, too bad. People who are starving would give their left arm for a bag of rice, and then the rice giver would eat their arm because they had no more rice. Now eat your rice, or you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your rice? You! Yes you, behind the pig, where was I again?

@RBV - Rice has many uses. It's also great for throwing at weddings and other events. It's perfect for pudding (as I mentioned above). It also gets rid of unwanted pests like rats and...birds..and Asian gang members...

@Mr. Bananas - No mistake, "shiite"="shite"="shit" and believe it or not there actually is a Shit, least according to Google and this ballog link.

@Sogeshirts - If you think fat American ladies are hot, you should see Middle Eastern school teachers smeared in hummus, lying atop donkeys and camels.

@Majase - Why thank you. I call it as I see it. Right now I'm calling the U.S. Dept of Education because I think they need a piece of my mind.

Not to sound full of myself, but I believe a piece of my mind, or yours for that matter would boost the Dept's IQ by at least 70%, since they are working with only 5% brains.

They in turn can pass along 50% of my mind to the schools, which should average out to about .0000001% of my mind per student, which would be .0000001% more than they had to begin with. There, problem solved.

@PHFL - I'm sorry, your question we buy the Japanese or the Chinese rice? When you say "we", you meant "you", right? Well I think you could buy Martian grown rice and that would do just fine. Good luck in your hunt for Martian rice. Some people live in a fantasy world and are so clueless they'll believe anything you, I mean - WE tell them... sheesh!

@Jeffman - I am standing at full erection right now. May I have your vote please. I plan on releasing wherever I can, if that's in the UK so be it. Is your sister busy atm? Yeah? How about your cat then?

@Thinkinfyou - If you are impressed by the size of my soapbox, you should see the cardboard box I live in.

@DonnyRuth - Deep breath, Donny. Don't forget to breathe. Btw the next time a hobo asks you for spare change give them a sack so full and heavy with pennies that they can't budge it with their puny arms.

Then tell them that you will hire them to work the street for you, they will get a small "processing fee" which will be 10 cents on the dollar for every one of your blog posts they promote successfully.

Whatever they earn from this sack of pennies they must spend on food for the week, or they can go buy a bottle of Night Train and lose out on a fortune because they are too hung over the next day to work.

This will teach them self-control and basic economics - the tools necessary to prepare them for entry back into the workforce, a memory refresher on how the IRS operates, and how the rest of us shleps get by.

Static said...

@Kelly - Thank you sir. Such kind words. The Chinese and women everywhere will be tracking your future comments. I would be very VERY careful if I were you.

Kelly said...

Gosh Static, as you know, I'm always truly concerned about the feelins of others. They don't call me Mr. PC for nothin'. For all the fat ass twinkie gobblin' chicks and bean sprout munchin' oriental peoples out there.... I'm're fugly and stink like seaweed.

Darn, there I go carin' too much again.

Static said...

@Kelly -


Way to win 'em over, Hitler.

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