Deathmetal Shopping Network

death metal lol
"Tonight the city is full of morgues, and all the toilets are overflowing. There's shopping malls coming out of the walls, as we walk out among the manure. That's why I pay no mind." - Beck Hansen

When I go grocery shopping I often get the urge to do my shopping as quickly as possible. Really come to think of it, anytime I do any kind of shopping I want to get it done as quickly as possible. As far as all things shopping go, I usually end up going back for things I've forgotten regardless if I had made a list or not. But I usually make lists. It cuts the time spent wandering around aimlessly. And never EVER go shopping hungry.

Speaking of aimless, just like avoiding shopping when you are hungry, make sure you never ever go shopping naked. You will buy everything in the store.

There are things I tried to resist the last time I was at the grocery store, such as some seriously grub cookies that got the chocolatey goodness my stummy desires or a nice big juicy steak, which I don't eat much red meat, so it's a treat for me. No, I'm not a vegetarian and I don't have anything against vegans either, I just try to eat a relatively healthy diet and stay in shape so when I get old I can still kick your ass. That means protein without all the lard.

So seeings as I do my own shopping, I just want to get the dreaded deed done quickly and efficiently. Which will leave me more time for f***ing off.

That's why I think they should have grindcore or some serious death metal cranking in the store instead of those lame muzak or radio stations.

Think about it.

How fast would you get your shopping done if that were the case? Why it might even boost sales! There's something the media and retailers could be happy about. Well, I think my idea is the solution, folks.

People might be more into shopping (well, more often then they normally would be, especially the men shopping with their wives or girlfriends.) Death may be is the preferred choice for men when it comes to shopping. And it will come for you. When you are holding your woman's handbag, a pile of clothes, and thirty shopping bags while she is trying on more clothes in the dressing room. Death came for me alright, and it was drunk. It's a first class ticket out of reality. Your only freedom after school, work, marriage, evenings at bingo, muzak and shopping.

This is how my new vision for the shopping experience would play out: First I'd grab a cart. Second, I'd race down each aisle, and just stick out my arm knocking everything I could off the shelves into my cart and THEN make a mad dash for the check out lane. I'd be done in about five minutes flat, as opposed to the usual six and a half.

As an added bonus I would have tons of food stocked up for weeks after ONE TRIP! This might even help eliminate the fuel shortage and global warming!

People would go nuts over hardcore shopping frenzies. They would be moshing in the aisles. Starting food fights and whatever else deviants can manage to do in public settings.

What do you think? Good idea, bad idea? What are the pros and cons. I want deeply reflective answers here guys. Leave me your comments.

And now time for some Knee Deep - F**kin' Deathcore!

Note: it wasn't until Cookie Monster in his band Cannibal Cookies 
that the death metal genre found their trademark vocal style

Well, I was going to go running with scissors outside while flying a kite at night near a power plant, but all this talk about food is making me hungry. Gotta go do some hardcore shopping.

K thx bye!

om nom nom nirvana
nom nom nom nirvana!


Gorilla Bananas said...

The way to avoid shopping is to live in a giant larder where everything around you is edible. It's a human fantasy, but we gorillas live it.

The supermarket of the future is one where you give your shopping list to a cute sales girl and she brings back your groceries in a cart. Then she begs you to spank her instead of giving her a tip.

Snarky Basterd said...

Staticman...I think you can get arrested for that...BTW...I've added you to my roll. Let's exchange.

Anonymous said...

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Static said...

@Mr. Bananas - Um, the mere thought of living in a giant larder turns my stomach.

I like the supermarket of the future. Can I place an order for just the spanking part?

@Dr. Dave - I haven't been arrested yet. I'm too fast. Not to mention that since I carry around a battery and pair of jumper cables hooked up to my nipples, anyone who touches me gets a 350-volt electric charge, that seems to be a pretty good deterrent. ;)

@Anonymous - I'm sorry..what was it you were trying to comment on while you ineffectively attempted to post a javascript? Something about a chainsaw? Looks like it was important.

Daddy Papersurfer said...

I'm with you on eating sensibly young static - I'm ancient and can 'kick botty' extremely well ....... without breaking wind ........ usually

Static said...

@Daddy Papersurfer - I am with you on that one old man.

I am also quite old, cantankerous, and flatulent.

Why this entire scenario reminds me of a tv show idea that came to light the other day for me.

There needs to be a show where old men fight one-on-one, hand-to-hand in a mixed martial arts style a la 'The Ultimate Fighter' series.

Whaddya say we test out the ratings and shoot a pilot episode.

Me vs. You


It would go down like this...

"And in this corner we have Static Krapsody weighing in at 93 pounds, most putrid flatulence this side of the equator!

And in the opposite corner we have Daddy Papersurfer weighing in at 89 pounds, 105 pounds if you include his false teeth.

Gentlemen, at the sound of the bell..FIGHT!"


Me: C'mon Daddy Poopersurfer..I'm gonna mortalize ya! **farts

Daddy: Henh? Whaddya say ya young whippersnapper?! **farts

Me: **throws a kick at Daddy's head, misses and lands on ass letting out a massive fart

Daddy: Ha ha, you lousy old bastard!

Me: **sobs, fart, sobs

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