Institutions of Jocularity Part II

Tue Feb. 03, 2009

Dingleberry, USA (Krapsody) - The other evening while looking at the moon through a telescope I saw a few people screwing around up there, as if that wasn't alarming enough one of them had a telescope and they noticed me watching them. This Buzz Aldrin lookin' bastard gave me the finger and then mooned me. Not much else to say about that. But I managed to get a picture.

Mooning a dead cow
and the cow attempted to jump over the moon
but the moon emitted a green gaseous substance and the cow died,
the moon is a total ass

Stargazing Sucks! I think I may need help.
Anyway the real points of this article weren't about astronomical-type stars but the celebrity-type stars and dreams involving them which would include politicians and their spending habits. I am also putting aside Sphincterology in favor of covering the study of those celebrity dreams and about the MPAA and their shitty rating system. It's a triple quadruple quintuplet uh...doozy.

Fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

First off let me say that I love celebrities. I know, sometimes I make fun of some of them. But it's only because I write a satire blog. And really they are awesome, which is one of the reasons they are celebrities in the first place, right? If they weren't awesome then they probably wouldn't be celebrities. But then again, it's not always what you know, but who you know. And I know nothing and I know nobody. This may explain some things.

And to be honest, if anyone were actually offended by something I might write about them I would try my best to explain, it's only for humor sake. We all make mistakes, albeit not in the public eye, but if we can't laugh at ourselves then how can we move forward?

My words are not meant to be malicious or spiteful. I'd be the first to step up to the plate and offer an apology. I'd say, "I'm very sorry." Unless we're talkin' about Don Imus, George W. Bush, Amy Winehouse, Michael Richards, Rush Limbaugh, Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, Courtney Love, Sen. Robert Byrd, Max Factor Heir turned rapist Andrew Luster, Adnan Ghalib, Ronald Reagan, Pete Doherty, Heather Mills, Dick Cheney, Russel Crowe, Napoleon, John Bobbit, R. Kelly, Bill O'Reilly, Naomi Campbell - you are woefully detestable lackeys and chromosome deficient festering boils on the butt of humanity..and I'm not so sorry.

At any rate, my first point is about my dreams which are just fantasies that usually involve me and a famous celebrity. Y'know a really hot celeb like Rose McGowan, Monica Bellucci, Kate Beckinsale, Salma Hayek, Summer Glau, Megan Fox, Charlize Theron, Julianne Moore, Christina Aguilera, Gwen Stefani, or who knows who'll be there next time...maybe Emo Philips.

Funny Pics / King of England

Hey, it's my goldarned dream okay!

I pull up in an old souped-up roadster; dressed in a zoot suit, large fedora hat, baggy pants and all. The girl is all dolled up, looking quite glamorous and sexy, no detail left untouched to the eye, or the imagination for that matter.

We have a couple cocktails. We go back to their place which is luxurious with posh furniture and velvety cushions, maybe a fire is roaring in the fireplace. She or I (depending on who is more dominant in the moment, etc.) make a couple more drinks for us and then they lick their lips and give me a coy look, but it's dead in the eye and captures complete undivided attention. The kind of look that could stop any man's heart or melt butter on a frozen biscuit on some random Alaskan's breakfast nook and says, "how about a little bit of fun?" Okay, maybe Emo can't pull that off, but Emo knows what Emo wants.

Of course I nod my approval. Right? Screw Emo, let's make this strictly hetero here. Because Static knows what Static wants. Where was I? Oh yes.

She says she wants to slip into something more a coma.
The dream shifts drastically at this point. The walls start to cave in and swirl in a pattern much like a toilet flushing. The couch, the room, and even I am slowing down like a sad version of a snail on half-speed.

The girl starts to disappear, gets blurry and goes out of focus. I start to look funny, well more funny-looking than I am. She turns uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits as she re-enters the room, but I can't tell what she changed into. Is it a silk nightie, a lacy teddy, or is that a potato sack with burberry fringe?! Returning after her mysterious disappearance, she sheepishly admits she's been flinging the ivory woodchuck. What?! What the hell is that? Anyway, dream/fantasy/heart crushed. Thanks for nothing brain.

The International Institute for Creamin' in Your Dreams would classify my dreams as horribly disgusting and beyond understanding even by their own standards. They've conducted research studies for over 20 years under extensive rigorous conditions and from a variety of sources so they ought to know. They have investigated rare, unusual or even extreme dreams, but nothing like mine. So I suppose I am beyond understanding or help. =(

Another example why I may need the help of an Institution of Jocularity is for the following reason. My blog is rated NC-17.

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* shit (6x) * hell (4x) * gun (2x) * drugs (1x)

LULZUH. What is that? Ha ha ha! I'm pretty sure I've used the words shit and hell plenty more times than indicated. And I don't remember using the words gun or drugs, maybe I've made references to them. Those words are pretty tame if you ask me, even for a 17-year-old. Why, I think I knew about words like that at age 7 or 8. That's the kind of edjumakashun ya gets in ONE YEAR at a catholic school y'all.

But I'm also pretty sure I've used many other unsavory terms on this blog before as well. Hmm..methinks this blog rating meme contraption is bullshit. But don't take my word for it, just ask Thinkingfyou over at the Writing Quiets the Voices in my Head blog. Why she was practically shamed by the list of profanity it found littering her site.

I mean, I occasionally incorporate the word "fuck" into my articles where appropriate, I'm surprised that they didn't pick that one out since it's like a neon sign among most of my ramblings. If you read my articles at all you would probably find that I rarely use the word but, "Holy fuck, I am abso-fucking-lutely fucking fuck-tified as all fuck, fucking hell!" I reckon that statement should send off some alarms.

The overall tone of the word "fuck" seems to instill fear and repulsion in most people, especially the members of the MPAA and it's adherents. The MPAA is responsible for the ratings system we should all be familiar with by now, and their viewpoints and classification for films are sometimes quite arbitrary and selective. They also offer advisory info on CDs, video games, TV shows, etc. It is just a matter of time before we see ratings stamped on everything. Consider rating labels a way of advising the ignorant and the stupid.

Did ya also know that the MPAA are very secretive about their procedures and who its members are that make decisions for the general public. No fucking shit (what better way to use those words except when talking about bureaucracy, right?)

Such as: a penis shown in a film will probably get an R or X-rating (under most circumstances, but that could change depending upon context or most importantly opinion, and those are determined by a group of "rating board members".)

Believe me when I say I tend to agree that children should NOT be exposed to certain things until they are mature enough to comprehend, or be responsible with things of this nature. It's not like they won't be exposed to it at some point in their lives, which seems to be the unrealistic POV of them thar backwoods folk. Frankly, I don't want some 12-year-old reading my blog without supervision, or at all really. But can I prevent that, even if put up warnings all over my web page? Should I censor myself from using language or scenarios which depict unseemly things that happen to exist in the real world? Y'know, having all these ideals and forcing them upon others works so well in the real world, doesn't it? Well my fellow degenerates, the answer is no no no no no.

And that movie rating meme that bloggers have taken to, in my opinion is strictly for fun. I wouldn't give it much clout. Frankly if I got a XXX-rating (highly unlikely) I would be flattered, as well as confused as to why any one is that concerned about lil ol' me, and equally repulsed by them. But I don't really care. It's my opinion, my freedom, and my right to express my fricken opinions in any manner I deem appropriate, not theirs. How much control do they think they actually have, or that they are going to get? How dare anyone tell anyone else what to say or what not to say. Get over it, turn a deaf ear or a blind eye if you don't care for something. Simple as that.

Bottom line is, the MPAA is all about "protecting integrity" - with anonymity (a strong point for the conservatives, and a strong point for cowards. Yep, that's me. Wait! Oh, never mind. My anonymity is more for your protection than it is mine, trust me. ) In fact it actually helps understand why the MPAA makes the decisions that they do. You know, it gives them a bit more respectability having "faceless reviewers", and "a faceless appeals board with a Catholic and an Episcopalian priest to give the board credibility, but you won't/can't/will not know exactly who they are" (insert additional sarcasm here.)

But you can certainly take a good guess. Just do a little research on the MPAA.
An interesting article to read 10 of the Silliest MPAA Ratings Reasons
I saw a movie about the MPAA a while ago you need to check it out: This Film Is Not Yet Rated, if you have Netflix or some other method to check out this film you must see it, really.

The movie states that ratings - far from being an exact science - often leave people guessing as to what criteria are used when evaluating their films; that MPAA ratings amount to censorship; that raters are probably subject to the whims of studio and or senior board member pressure; and, ultimately, that the ratings board is completely unaccountable for its actions. The MPAA is truly an Institution of Jocularity.

ANYWAY..I suppose the American people care about their right to free speech only if it's the government that is restricting their rights.

Well, good for those mindless folks, I guess. I prefer a classification body in our country that has accountability and some guts to face their opponents.

And if that classification body doesn't like my viewpoint, my choice of words, or my input, well then.. FUCK THEM. Especially if they are faceless wonders. Two can play that game. =)

Tune in next time when I share my discoveries on how to make YOUR shopping experience better. That's'll just have to wait a fuckin' lil while longer. Toodles!


Thinkinfyou said...

That was a FUCKING awesome post!!!!

Static said...

Well I thank you from the bottom of my FUCKING little black heart.


Ms Scarlet said...

Please, please, shopping tips are most useful... I had a quote going on in my head... hang on... oh yes...
Oh Static, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars

Static said...

@scarlet-blue - How did you like my shopping tip?

I also have a quote to share:
"Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents."

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