Ten Things God Would Die For

jesus christ not you again"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
- Stephen King

Mar 05, 2009

Retardeau, France (Krapsody)- A flashback to an article I published last year as a guest blogger on the now defunct Cult of Qelqoth. I examined what the Pope's visit to France brought in the way of spiritual enlightenment.

Is God appalled at the primitive, downright heretical, nature of our prayers? Does God truly have mercy on us? Will God save humanity once again? These questions and more have finally been answered here - your direct port to the Almighty.

We've all heard of the reasons why people would want to die for their God. Whether it be for jihad and the opportunity to have relations with a billion virgins for all eternity (who the hell has that kind of energy?); The Cult of Sphincterology brainwashing folks, convincing them that being pummeled in the ass with a dead tuna is the only way to be a "clear" (I don't know about you, but mine stinks bad enough without putting tuna in it); or the tenets of other religious cults that putting your penis in a light socket without first unplugging the lamp because the voice in their head told them to was a good idea (not that I've ever done that..without putting on a condom first).

But the first ever official list handed down from God to an unnamed source (it's the Pope) just the other day describes exactly what God, a.k.a. the Almighty Gawd - or simply Gawd, would sacrifice His/Her/It's life for. According to Pope Benedict XVI Gawd told him:

"You all think you know me so well. What I expect of you, what I want, what I did when I created EVERYTHING ... you don't know jack! ... [that Gawd also] believes Gawd is better than You ... If you could stand at the nexus of where you suck and how much Gawd can't stand you now, Gawd would see you all in hell - not only for sucking, but being blasphemers and science sympathizers too. My bastard child Einstein introduced the Theory of Relativity, oh he was so lost in his ways...but you know what's not just a theory or relative to me you puny mortals?...how much you suck. It's the only absolute, the only constant in the space-time continuum. I'll not let my only child die for that again. How stupid would I have to be? So stop awaiting a second return."

Now that the reasons have been covered ...the answers are finally clearly defined as well. During his visit to France, the Pope wrote everything down that he claims Gawd said to him and plans at a future date to address "The List of Things Gawd Would Die For."

The perplexing list at this point consists of the following 10 things your savior considers important:

1.) To rape a choir boy with a huge, seemingly useless, set of wooden genitals and exclaim 'Viva La France!' in a phony French accent.

2.) Double double chocolate fudge cake, a Klondike Bar, and a never-ending supply of Red Bull.

3.) To never ever see Nadya Suleman's video of her giving birth to her octuplets. Gawd would rather see the douchebag(s), who buy it for any price, fall naked into cage full of rabid badgers than hear that the video has sparked any interest.

4.) Bringing the universe to a halt by allowing Chris Brown and Rhianna to marry, and they live happily ever after playing patty cakes patty cakes bakers man roll 'em up roll 'em up throw 'em in a pan and they find themselves plastered in dough and cook themselves slowly to a crisp at 300 degrees Fahrenheit.

5.) Never having to watch you masturbate (again). You filthy pig.

6.) The opportunity to defecate in your mouth as you snore in your sleep, one last time.

7.) Keeping reruns of "Knight Rider" on air for the next 300 years.

8.) Commercial Free ANALOG Television.

9.) Greatness.

10.) A day off.

Notice how the sins of humanity did not make the list. Pope Benedict XVI stated Gawd's reason for that is "....because once was enough for you whining selfish soul-sucking jerks. All you do is the basic F-3's... fight, fuck and feed. Why don't you evolve already? You're all a bunch of apes!"

On his visit to France the Pope also plans to unveil his revision of The Lord's Prayer, also known as the Our Father or Pater noster.

"Our nothing who art in nothing, nothing be thy name, thy kingdom nothing, thy will be nothing in nothing as it is in nothing. Give us this nothing our daily nothing and nothing us our nothing as we nothing our nothings and nothing us not into nothing, but deliver us from nothing. And then nothing. Hail nothing full of nothing. Ah-nothing!"

The Pope states that the verse was changed after his visitation with the Big Guy because it was to modernize it and to address that everything is nothing, it is all nothing and man is nothing too. Amen!

100 virgins in heaven

The Cult of Qelqoth can now be found at PwnGreenland.com - Slitting the larynx of popular culture. Discretion advised.

Maybe it can be found at Der Ubermensch now?

Listening to: Nine Inch Nails - Heresy/Blind via FoxyTunes


Anonymous said...


I'm in a stats class right now and I just chortled really loudly, now people are staring at me.

Quite possibly my favorite post of yours, bravo.

Gorilla Bananas said...

God's a big man, but he's in bad shape. Sitting on your butt in heaven does that to you. If I were his personal trainer I'd get him jogging and sort out his diet. Maybe he'd then be in shape to deflower those nuns.

Ms Scarlet said...

God is a woman!!! And she wants chocolate fudge cake!! And more shoes...

Anonymous said...

i am gawd and i say this post rules!!!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Uh can this post be edited? I think gawd also said something about WoW being the most awesomest game ever. I think it should have been on the list

Static said...

@Sharath - Thanks man. Continue reading my blog when you are in your stats class. Here at Krapsody, I offer plenty of useful information for statistical analyses, and all the liberal studies in general. Have any chemistry projects in the works, Sharath? I've got one that will blow your socks off...literally, it's that dangerous.

@Mr. Bananas - Are you saying that God is a fat ass and a perv?

@scarlet-blue - Gawd is indeed a woman. And she is PMS-ing like a mofucka!

@Gawd - Hey Gawd. Thanks for stopping by. How they hangin'? Or I guess I should say, 'no you don't look fat in those pants.'

@the Pope - Okay...this is getting a little ridiculous now..

@wookie - WoW can kiss my hairy Ogre ass. Well, technically it's not my own ass. But I rented an Ogre from my local Renaissance fair and World of Warcraft can kiss it's ass.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...