Thought For The Day No. Six

clowns Today's story: The Lulzercaust Campaign Trail of Tears.

While doing some investigating on my Google Analytics account I discovered that within our beloved country, I am missing out on some big love. Namely, two states that seem oblivious to the existence of Krapsody. In this day and age the question is how?

North Dakota and Wyoming, you suck. Of all 50 U.S. states you two are the only ones who have not sent Krapsody a SINGLE solitary visitor. Not one! Googley Analytics does not lie, so don't even think about trying to talk your way out of this.

North Dakota Blows Buffalo Balls
North Dakota Blows Buffalo Balls

Why Wyoming?
Wyoming in the Lakota Sioux language means Middlafuckingnowhere

I think the real reason here is that ignorance is pure bliss to these states.
That's right. I said it. Coz, that's how I roll.

Do you mean to tell me that both of these states do not have the internets yet? I wouldn't be surprised, now that I've not only thought about it, but typed it out.

I can't believe that there isn't one, just ONE single pasty white basement-dwelling nerd, or one bomb-making reclusive mountain-dwelling hermit, or one incarcerated prisoner that hasn't found a computer in the entire square mileage of both states - and by some sheer accident involving keyword searches like 'whale penis', 'mythical beast cock', 'elephant butt suppository', 'happy new anus', 'liquidy farts', 'biggest vagina', 'sock jobs', 'uncivilized four legged people in turkey', and 'you´re a what?... a clown' - has failed to locate this website.

I'm willing to let North Dakota slide a little bit, Fargo is so far north it's far gone, and being so close to Canada they're practically eskimos (especially that void of the Saskatchewan province that I got sucked into off and on for a few years of my life through no fault of my own...thanks Dad.) Actually, I think most Eskimos even have the internets by now, so you're slacking a bit North Dakota.

But I'm not letting you off the hook, Wyoming. You've been on my shit list for a number of years now. For not only the idiotic provincialism looming over your affairs, but the gay bashing death of Matthew Shepard in 1998, and your ugly brown rolling hills that took me hours to drive across, littered with the occasional 'almost there' signs, to end up anywhere even remotely civilized.

At least your mountains have enough scenery to keep the slow witted entertained...for a few seconds until they shit their pants because there's no place to go; not one tree or structure to hide behind, not even a pine cone to wipe their arse with. And how about that state patrolman that is just waiting to arrest someone for "indecent exposure" when they do have to go on the side of the road? It's indecent not to let someone take a shit during a long road trip fercrissakes, piggy!

Wyoming's geography or scenery aren't the only things that leave a lot to be desired. Surely, the geography and climate of Wyoming are extremely discouraging factors in keeping people out. But if Cheyenne had just one escalator, or a building taller than a double wide trailer, the city might be improved just a little. Don't get me started on some of the wait, actually I think I will go there.

Epic Fail

It appears to me in my experience with Wyoming that a large percentage of people doing business there are dull and generally thick. I don't believe they'd know how to use a computer anyway. I think the mentality of the majority of people in Wyoming is that they just like to keep their state small and don't actively court advances in technology.

How do I know this you ask? Well, I have spent MONTHS trying to settle my recently deceased father's estate with complete wing nuts who run operations from Cheyenne (the capitol, which reeks of manure incidentally and it's not just from the barnyard animals.) Most of these freaks don't even know how to scan a document, or send an email. Nor do they know how to run a business and therefore should have no business trying to run one.

No attention to detail, no concept of time sensitive information, no common sense to jot down information on a post-it note. Do you people only have access to a single community pencil and sheet of paper on off-days or something? Have y'all ever written before, or is that as foreign to you as feeling more out of place than Steve Urkel at a Klan meeting?

Imagine this if you alleged major city with no one quite evolved enough to purchase then operate a scanner, or use a common email program to send or receive a message...don't get me started on them not returning phone calls. Do they even know how to check their own voice mail over in them there parts?

Even a monkey could figure it out
Even a monkey could figure it out

Perhaps both of your states should budget some of that government bail-out money to put in a better communication system in your epicenters. Then implement a training program to teach folks how to use that system, use their brains and throw in some communication skills to uh gee, I dunno, maybe possibly, by some evolutionary fluke, reach their fullest potential.

That means get rid of the paper cups and strings and build a civilization, for the love of opposable thumbs! While you're at it, ship in some mating partners that will introduce some new DNA into your population of bumbling idiots.

I have never seen such a bunch of useless horse pucky in all my life.
And in between that, when y'all are done rounding up the chickens and herding your sheep, can you maybe get around to visiting my website. Can you find it in your walnut sized minds to visit Krapsody somehow?

But I suppose that's too much to ask of a general populus that either does not own computers or don't know how to use it's basic features. Oh the irony! Perhaps in many many years you can figure out a way to do that after you're done drooling all over your Etch-a-Sketches, and shooting yourselves in the foot while cleaning your guns.

Feel free to respond upon discovery of this message several hundred years in the future when you actually have a working computer and I'm dead and don't care anymore.

Just keep in mind that the mark of a person's intellectual ability can be easily measured by the quantity of swear words used in 'comebacks'. These are those verbal ripostes and parries that any such argument flits between. Any of my attempts to goad the citizens of Wyoming or North Dakota into the realms of rational argument will surely be greeted with calls of 'faggot' and 'c$%k sucker'. I almost feel sorry for ya.

Anyway, thanks in advance for your consideration, you insensitive mean-spirited poltroons. Two can play at that game.

Insincerely yours,


President Dictator of the American Lulzercaust Campaign

Lulzercaust Campaigns - Way beyond offensive, only accomplished through sabotages of teh usual lulz.


Since this post, news of disasterous flooding in North Dakota has made me reconsider some of the things I stated here. They were only meant in jest. Wishing the best of luck to anyone displaced or experiencing a loss there. Ironically, I've had two visitors from both states since this post. Judging by the lack of responses from residents of Wyoming and North Dakota, I can only assume they must be rounding up the lynch mobs right about now....or they haven't learned how to read yet.


Snarky Basterd said...

You are, indeed, an evil man who shall be delivered unto waterboarding in a future life. Let us hope the residents of said northern states do not get hold of you before you perish.

You may, otherwise, suffer a painfully chilling death at the bottom of a year-round frozen loch, forever gnawed upon by the dwarf (inbred) cousins of Nellie.

Be forewarned!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Do you remember the film Dog Day Afternoon? I'm pretty sure Al Pacino's partner in crime wanted to take refuge in Wyoming. Maybe he was less of a flake than he appeared. Or more....

Anonymous said...

I agree Wyoming sucks. It's a great place to disappear.

JP said...

Ha you said it dude. Nice blog by the way.

Tina said...

Maybe they're waiting for you to show your face there and show them the way. I've only been on for a week and I actually did get one hit from Wyoming. LOL.

Static said...

@Dr. Dave - Them there states would never get a hold of me. They'd have to figure out how to walk before they could run for frozen bones gnawed upon the inbred dwarf cousins of Nellie? Sounds intriguing!

@Gorilla B - No, you're right. Wyoming is a great place to disappear off the radar. The second best place is Alaska. Or maybe it's the other way around. I wouldn't know, I'm not a fugitive.
Hmm, maybe that's why my Dad moved up to WY from Denver..I better see if he doesn't have any outstanding warrants for trying to convert/brainwash people to join the cult he belonged to, or making fraudulent collections for some "church" of his...

@Gboo - Yep, just as I said. A great place to disappear. People go there to tune in, turn on, and drop out I believe. However, it's not the kind of dropping out one would expect.

@JP - Heya John, what's new man? Thanks for stopping by!

@Tina - I'll never show my face there again. They are on their own if that's what they're waiting for.

Really, there aren't that many idiots in Wyoming. But just about every lawyer and state employee I've dealt with seems to have little or no common sense, and a lack of intelligence, initiative, or motivation. I've never in all my life had these many problems with "professionals" before.

If that's any indication as to what the general populus appears to be to an outsider's perspective, then that's a really poor reflection of whatever culture they are trying to portray.

But, then again, most "professionals" are lacking a bit in the common sense dept, aren't they? Is that a prerequisite for their positions?

It's ironic, but since this post I've had one visitor from each of those states. LOL!..I'm sure they won't be back after reading this article. Maybe they will gather up the village idiots and start a giant lynch mob..torches, pitchforks and all - show up on my doorstep this weekend? =P

Skrib (aka MEaster Bunny) said...

Wyoming and North Dakota have put out a wanted dead or alive poster for you. Every bounty hunter across the country is looking for you now.

Thomas Wayne said...

Some say Wyoming doesn't exist. I've read that online, so it must be true. While searching for the funny blog where I read that, I found a surprising number of blogs and websites that say Wyoming doesn't exist. Is this some big conspiracy theory?

Static said...

@Skrib - Bring it on!

Static said...

@Thomas Wayne - That's no conspiracy theory. It's conspiracy fact. The stupid bureaucrats in Wyoming in their feeble attempt to keep people from going there, believe by publishing "urban legends" that Wyoming exists, or by means of other propaganda that Wyoming doesn't exist, somehow outsiders will believe it. Little do they know Google Earth and myself by means of this blog article have proven otherwise. It's just that the rest of our planet wishes it didn't.

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