Exclusive: Want To Steal African Babies and Save the World But Can't Get Started?

Krapsody Investigative Report

krapsody reporter dubious monkwith
Krapsody.com Reporter Dubious Monk
Inside Madonna

With turmoil in Africa, an economic melt down in the U.S., and two wars raging in the Middle East the question right now on most peoples’ minds is, so how the heck is Madonna’s love life going since she and Guy what's-his-name split up and how's she holding up after her plans to adopt a baby girl from Malawi were thwarted?

We were wondering too, so we dispatched Krapsody.com’s crack correspondent, Dubious Monk, to find out.

We have him now live via cellphone.

K: Dubious, can you hear us?

DM: Yes, loud and clear.

K: Dubious, you are in London in the quaint township of Uhggghhgughhhhwewruhr.

DM: Ah, English is a magical language isn’t it?

K: Dubious, just how close to the reigning rock icon have you been able to get?

DM: I'm in her vagina.

K: Excuse me?

DM: Yes. I'm in Madge's vage. I figured the only way to get the straight goods on the singer’s love life was to get in close. I was hiding in shrubbery at her castle here. She dropped a gardening tool, bent over to get it, the opportunity presented itself - I took it.

K: That's an odd place to conduct an investigative report from.

DM: I agree, it is rather unconventional, but when I'm bored, I send myself via UPS to exotic places inside a box marked FRAGILE. So I'm used to somewhat confined spaces. This isn't nearly as cramped as one of those containers.

K: So, Dubious, in order to get an exclusive, showing a true reporter’s instincts, in order to pursue the story wherever it took you, you kicked off your boots and…

DM: No, I’ve still got my boots on.

K: Still, with split seconds to make your decision, you drop your laptop and leap in…

DM: Nope, I brought the laptop.

K: Well, knowing that your single suitcase is safe back at the Ramada, you scramble into…

DM: No, I had the luggage with me. I brought it in. Three bags. And as you know, I always bring my Golden Retriever, Shep, on assignments with me.

K: Your dog is with you?

DM: Yep, Shep is just begging me to throw the frisbee again.

K: Still, even with the dog, it must be a lonesome vigil.

DM: Yes, it is. There’s an International Paparazzi and a French television crew in here, but you know, they only speak French..er..yeah okay, I think it's just French. Or perhaps they’re pretending they only speak French. You know the French.

K: Yes I do, Dubious… Yes I do. So, Dubious, what’s the inside scoop on the Madonna's love life?

DM: Well, so far, the superstar songstress hasn’t had a single suitor since her toyboy model lover Jesus Luz.

K: No action whatsoever, is that it, Dubious?

DM: Not a scintilla. It’s dry as a bone in here.

K: Dry as a bone you say?

DM: Pretty close. I'd be willing to say it's drier than a popcorn fart in the desert.

K: That's pretty dry, Dubious, pretty dry.

DM: Yes, I'm afraid it is. Good thing I brought extra water in a Bota Bag with me.

K: Dubious, what can you tell us about Madonna's failed adoption of the 3-year-old Malawian girl, Mercy James?

DM: (sighs wistfully) To be Swept Away from Malawi. She's pretty upset, that's what I could gather from my location. As you know, Judge Esmie Chondo addressed concerns among rights groups that Malawi's courts could inadvertently facilitate trafficking of children by some unscrupulous individuals, and she felt that was absolute balderdash.

Who better than she to swoop down upon Malawian children and adopt them all, saving the world - one at a time, devoid of customary adoption practices..or a clear understanding with the child's parents regarding the "arrangement". Adoptions of African babies in her opinion should be unscrupulous, if you will.

K: I see, I see. So she feels she's a bit entitled, you might say?

DM: I do get that impression, yes. But she has also done a lot of good for Malawi, making donations to her charity organization there, and putting on free performances from her Sticky & Sweet Tour, astonishing both young and old in Malawi.

Also, her mothering instincts are commendable, she breastfed nearly 60 children while she was there. From what I gather she is still hopeful that her appeal for the adoption of Mercy will be accepted.

K: Oh my, breastfed 60 children, no wonder she looks so thin lately. Has there been an appeal date scheduled?

DM: None yet. But she said if she doesn't get one soon, she will be so mad she'll eat an entire country of starving Africans.

K: I see, maybe the International Maritime Bureau could use her services in regards to the pirating problem off the coast of Somalia. Thank you, Dubious. Is there anything else?

DM: Well, I think I’ve found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa’s body.

K: We’ll have to get back to you on that one, Dubious.

DM: Thank you. Like the Scots say, 'Byde weill, betyde weill' which means everything comes to those who wait.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures - Jesus not included

Listening to: Madonna - Like a Virgin
via FoxyTunes


Gorilla Bananas said...

A woman as great as Madonna deserves to have the world's biggest vagina. Mock her at your peril.

Daddy Papersurfer said...

That reminds me of the joke about waving an HB pencil around in the Albert Hall or was it the one about trying to get a marshmallow into a money box? ...... whatever ..... it reminded me of something I'm sure ....

Suzanne said...

OMG! That was a good post. Too funny, thanks!

misstfied said...

LOL, Static, you have done it again. Good grief, and I didn't think I could even laugh any harder than I did the last time I stopped by here. Yep, with you and your blog, Depends are a MUST! LOL

Oh, almost forgot (with all thanx going out to you and that funny way of yours making me forget, ha ha), you have an award waiting for you over at The Cluttered Bubble. Anytime you are ready, feel free to pop by and collect it.

Keep up with the good work and keep us laughing!

Sully Sullivan said...

Terrific post. I'm very impressed.

Waldo said...

Ugh,, why anyone would want to hide in there I have no clue. Although it is probably pretty spacious

threio said...

sh*t I missed something, did someone say vagina?

Static said...

@ Mr. Bananas - Tis true my primate friend.

And I'll have you know that I am mostly, um okay, PARTLY responsible for Madge's vage.

She would not see it as mockery but a joke between us. Besides I have no problem with a woman expressing herself sexually, even well into her 70's..she is about 78 now..right?

Static said...

@Daddy - Hi, daddy! LOL

Um, I think you may also be referring to the one about the joke about a hot dog being tossed down a hallway...or perhaps it was...oh, I'm sure it'll come to me at THREE in the morning. I'll get back to you on this.

Static said...

@Sue - Why thank you! That's not the usual response.

Generally I get messages of ill will such as, "you suck", "please run with scissors", and "do the planet a favor and tie a large rock around your ankle and go swimming in some white water rapids, you rimmer of skunk anus"

So I'm grateful you didn't resort to name calling..yet.

Static said...

@misstfied - And I thank you also. I wouldn't mislead when I inform about viewing my site to wear Depends and a blindfold... which you seem to have forgotten.

I tell you, you are toying with disaster not wearing a blindfold..DISASTER I say!

Static said...

@Sully - Dude, long time no see! How's things in Canada..shoot any moose lately, wrestle any bears, snuggle with any eskimos? Eh?

Static said...

@Waldo - Well, you could always find out for yourself. But you might get used to it and not want to leave and then people would be asking ALL THE TIME, "where's Waldo?"

Static said...

@Threio - Wait, there was mention of a vagina in this post. Holy smokes!

Have you seen them photos of Madonna's camel toe in those new hand bag ads? Jesus H. Christ, she must be trying to get people to look at it.

It's no big deal, really, except it's a rather boring vagina, the kind that may disappoint when the pants come off. There's just not much happening down there. The illusion is too much to bear; I had pictured some kind of bejeweled gash but instead envision only a basic model without extras. It's sad, really.

One would expect a more intoxicating vagina, even if she has run amok. Running amok should tighten those muscles, though that can't do anything about her particular brand of vagina, and it is a brand, for she is a brand...soon to be removed from the shelf.

I imagine she would like to have a born again vagina. Unfortunately, there is no rehab for vaginas. It's only those like me with nothing better to do than search Google images who pretend to care, and that's because we do care..about vaginas. We care desperately. Poor pathetic creatures we men/perverts of all genders are searching for Madonna vagina on the net.

But isn't there something we can do for her vagina? Perhaps some makeup would apply. I believe plastic surgery exists for such
matters. An ordinary vagina can become a spectacular one, though one would rather not imagine the monstrous vagina the kind of surgeon she can afford might produce. What Michael Jackson did to his face could happen to her
vagina, and the outcome of such a semi-tragedy is almost as unfathomable as the monotony of staring at her vagina.

More important problems regarding her vagina are mounting, or resulted from her being mounted.
In that vagina, one might spot anything: John F. Kennedy; the
Virgin Mary; Marilyn Monroe. It's a kind of Rorschach test for those drawn to vagina peering.

Let's face it: Hardly anyone still masturbates to Madonna, or, if so, they should stop masturbating. Lack of high masturbation levels prove the demise of a star. The heat is gone. The career has lost its friction.

Lest I sound misogynist, I believe, were Madonna a man, she would have a boring penis. However, I have no evidence of that, unless she's hiding something in her vagina. I am also sorry to mention the word "vagina" so often, but I am
enjoying it. Vagina. I am 108 years old and believe myself to be a male lesbian. Vaginas are important to me. I enjoy nearly all flavors of vagina. However, I never purchase vanilla Ben and Jerry's.

Did ya get all that?

D_McNutz said...

Is there room for one more?

Static said...

@D_McN - Sure, climb on in. There's a party in her pants.

If you were refering to room for one more comment then..."Knock knock. Who's there? Vagina. Vagina who? DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA? Yes. Good, would you mind telling your husband to start using yours and leave my wife's alone." - Guy Ritchie to Cynthia Rodriguez about her husband A-Rod

Kelly said...

That was funny. I imagine ol' Madge could hold the entire choir up in her hoo-hoo hatch. And they would be singin' The Blues, for sure.

Static said...

@Kelley - They might also be singing Led Zeppelin's "Thank You"

"If the sun refused to shine (which it would), I would still be loving you (which they may, why else would they be there).

If the mountains should crumble to the sea (surely if you were in Madonna's vagina, why would you care?), there would still be you and me (probably the only two things that would survive a nuclear holocaust)."

Funny Videos said...

That was really funny post

Static said...

@ Funny videos - Really, you're not just saying that are you? Because I get the funny feeling that you are.

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