Saving The World With Torture


"In the name of Hippocrates, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival."

- Luis Buñuel
(Spanish Film Director, 1900-1983)

Ever heard of waterboarding? Let's just say it's not an aquatic sport such as surfing.

Here's a short video on the subject of waterboarding and Dick Cheney's endorsement. In the video Dick gets wet, when soldiers waterboard him in the name of liberty and justice.

Defending torture is clowning people at its best. The best waterboarding technique is when you get pulled behind a boat head first. It's fun for the entire family!

The question is: does anyone actually deserve to get waterboarded? How can you get any information out of someone that has a mouthful of water? Not so easy I would think.

I dislike how it's referred to as "enhanced interrogation techniques". It's obviously "torture".

Why beat around the bush here? When you run someone over with your car, do you call it "unfortunate bodily injury by a large metal object on wheels"? Hell no! Call it what it is.

The same goes for torture. I don't think it's good that some people can approve of waterboarding, or torture at all for that matter...especially people in the U.S., like the government, who are so proud of their "human rights" agenda. Besides, there are better methods of interrogation. Trust me.

If we are going to torture, we should do it the old-fashioned way. The only way. The right way. As you'll see it is the "only way" to get the information you really want when the victim is faced with the following devices.

1. The Spanish Tickler
The Spanish Tickler

The Spanish Tickler tickled its victims pink, and ultimately very red as this device (also known as the Cat's Paw) ripped and tore their flesh away from the bone, targeting any part of the body.

2. The Pear
The Pear

Commit sodomy, adultery, incest, heresy, blasphemy or sexual union with Satan (!) in Medieval Europe, and chances are, you’ll get this intricately-decorated device inserted into your mouth, rectum or vagina. A screw mechanism then makes its pointed “leaves” expand while inside any of those orifices, resulting in severe internal mutilation. Yikes! A date with this device and I think anyone would throw their entire friends and family under the bus.

3. Breast Ripper
Breast Ripper

This one is self-explanatory. Many women condemned as heretics, adulterers, or blasphemers had their breasts ripped out, or completely OFF, using this device. Neither one sounds all that promising.

4. Spanish Donkey
Spanish Donkey

A number of medieval torture devices have the word "Spanish" attached to it, not sure why...maybe they excelled at torture, perhaps. Inquisition, anyone? But this device is probably the most gruesome. The Spanish Donkey gave victims an unimaginably horrible ride, and here's why. Victims are put astride naked on the apparatus, which is actually a vertical wood board with a sharp V-shape wedge on top. Varying weights are then attached to their feet. Eventually, the victim's own weight and the extra baggage cause the wedge to slice through their bodies, splitting them in half. Sounds like fun.

5. Crocodile Shears
Crocodile Shears

The Crocodile Shears is an iron pincer with hemicylindrical blades that form a long narrow tube when closed together. Teeth or spikes line the inside of the blades, which were first heated until red-hot, and used to tear off the penis. I assume playful means were used to ensure the victim had a nice stiff erection before the torture was employed.

Those are not torture you say - you want REAL torture?

How about people who do nothing but Twitter and blog about ichc pictures they've either nicked from someone else or they themselves created on lolbuilder.

Like this lolcat freak:

90% or more of her updates revolve around and lolcat/loldog/lolshit memes. It must certainly be torture for anyone unlucky enough to have added this person.

What are you doing?

funny pictures

I dunno about you, but I'd rather be waterboarded than read someone's 1,000th lolcat picture update. I think any victim forced to endure this woman's Twitter updates and blog posts would crack under pressure and reveal anything the interrogator wanted to know. This is a untapped resource of torture that could be used by our government for sure.

OR how about this freak.

Worst Emo Combover Evar

Worst Emo Combover Evar

Now I know what you're thinking. Aww, but that's so mean. Bullcrap. I'd be doing this guy a favor if I told him, "you'd look ten times better, if you only shaved your head!"

Nothing is more tortuous than looking at a bad hairstyle, it's bad enough to have a peek at it...but for extended periods of time? I'd rather share a jail cell with Heidi and Spencer Pratt. Okay..not really.

And why is it that the smarter and more educated the social networker is, the geekier they are? Nothing wrong with geeky. I am a geek. But when your geekiness is so overwhelmingly powerful that even geeks go "WTF?!"..then you may need to tone it down a bit, buster.

Then there's always the ol' firecracker up the penis technique for gathering intelligence/coercing information as well. It's handy for getting even with your boyfriend if he declines to marry you. Gee, can't imagine why he wouldn't ask you to marry him when you don't deal with rejection all that well. Or it makes it perfectly clear (I'm assuming) what you think or will do to him in the event that he cheats on you. But don't ask me. Just become pen pals with any female convicted of violent crimes incarcerated at your local penitentiary.

As for me, tortured by my own stupidity and life hangs in the balance. It's clear it could go either way. The direction that it will take next is totally dependent on which social networking site I am duped into joining next. Until next time!

Listening to: Berlin "Torture"


Anonymous said...

Oh God.. That woman's Twitter is the Twitter of a TWIT. A Shit-twit. A twitter-shitter, etc.

Torture always has been pointless. Basically, it's 'I'll hurt you until you tell me what I want to hear, whether or not it's true.'

Just like my father does to my mother. If she gives an answer that doesn't please him, he wrestles her to the ground and beats her about the face and body violently.

Gorilla Bananas said...

What about people who want to be tortured?

Cool Papa said...

I would like to be a sub-contractor for homeland Security.

Are these terrific tools available at Walmart or Home Depot?

I just cleaned the basement and have plenty of space....OOPS.... How much XTRA is the delivery charges?

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