My Chat Session With "Steve"

technical freak
I recently picked up a Palm Pre from some shlep on Craigslist. I am hopeful they aren't an eStalker, or a serial killer...actually I do, simply because I'd like to take them out. I enjoy raping and strangling serial killers (more than I do clowns, but sometimes it's a real bonus when they are both). So anyhow, as luck would have it, the damn thing has had connectivity issues (they can be resolved), but I needed "technical support" at Palm to help me get it resolved. Anyway, here's that conversation.

Of course technical support is a test in patience with any company. Poor training, or lack of interest/laziness on the employee's part. Yanno?

Naturally, I didn't use the device to contact support and I never use the device while I'm driving..that's another story. But I do like to use it when I have some downtime at work and I want to browse the web..etc.

I've changed MY name for sake of anonymity on the internet. But have opted to keep the support tech's screen I am quite certain it isn't their real name.

7:45 PM Connecting to Rescue Gateway:
7:45 PM Connected to Rescue Gateway. A support representative will be with you shortly.
7:45 PM Support session established with Steve.

7:46 PM John B: Hello.
7:46 PM Steve: Hello.
7:47 PM Steve: I understand that you are having an issue with wifi connectivity.
7:47 PM John B: Yes. As I stated in the problem description field: I'm having problems with wi-fi and phone connections. Wi-fi either works for a few minutes if it connects and then kicks me off..or will not connect at all. I quadruple checked my settings both at work and home and I still have the problem at both locations (includes public hot spots). Lots of dropped calls too. Sprint sucks I guess. Help?
7:47 PM Steve: Let me help you with that.
7:48 PM Steve: May I know the device you are using?
7:48 PM John B: It's a Palm Pre
7:49 PM Steve: Please follow the steps given in the link below and let me know if you need any further help with them.
7:49 PM Steve: blah
7:49 PM Steve has sent a link:!

7:52 PM John B: Already tried those steps outlined in the link(s) you supplied. Still no results.
7:54 PM Steve: Okay, did you give wep key to get it connected .
7:55 PM Steve: ?
7:55 PM Steve: Also the router must be set to wireless 'B' mode.
7:56 PM John B: Please give me a chance to answer. Thank you. For work yes, I have set this device for WEP. But at my home it is a WPA-PSK connection.
7:56 PM John B: What is wireless B mode? Can you explain in more detail, please.
7:56 PM Steve: That mode as to be set on router to which you are connecting the device.
7:57 PM Steve: Once you contact IT of the router, they will help you wito set the mode.
7:58 PM John B: Is that an abbreviation for 'wireless base station'?
7:59 PM Steve: Yes.
8:00 PM John B: OK. So I need to set the IP address for the base station then?
8:02 PM Steve: Yes, then you will be able to connect the device wirelessly.
8:02 PM Steve: Thank you for understanding!
8:03 PM John B: Or I should say..the Base Station MAC address. OK, so I should call NETGEAR and ream them (in other words)?
8:05 PM Steve: Yes, once you have correct wep key and set to wireless 'b' mode you can get it connected.
8:06 PM John B: Alright, I'll try that. In the meantime, if I have a continuation of the problem I'll be back. Be sure of that.
8:06 PM Steve: Sure, please get back to us if you have further issues.
8:06 PM Steve: We are here to help you.
8:07 PM John B: Thanks.
8:07 PM Steve: You are welcome. Is there anything else I could help you with?
8:07 PM Steve: Thank you for your patience and cooperation displayed in this chat session!

8:07 PM John B: No thanks, I suppose that should be it for now..even though my problem is not solved ..yet.
8:07 PM Steve: It is pleasant to assist friendly and wonderful customer like you!

8:07 PM John B: Ha ha, sure. =)
8:08 PM Steve: It's great working with you!

8:08 PM Steve: Thank you for contacting Palm Technical Support. Please feel free to contact us for further assistance.
8:08 PM John B: Ok, thanks "Steve".
8:08 PM Steve: You are most welcome.
8:08 PM Steve: Have a great night!!
8:08 PM John B: You too.
8:08 PM Steve: Thank you!
8:08 PM Steve: Take care!! Bye!!!
8:09 PM John B: Take care.
8:09 PM John B: Bye.
8:09 PM John B: See you.
8:09 PM John B: Yada yada.
8:10 PM Steve: Bye!!!
8:10 PM John B: Yep. So, since we're still's the weather in Taiwan?
8:10 PM Steve: I'm sorry, what?
8:10 PM John B: The Taiwan. How is it?
8:10 PM Steve: what?
8:11 PM John B: The weather, "Steve". IN TAIWAN. How is it?
8:12 PM Steve: How do you know we are in Taiwan?
8:12 PM John B: Because, I wasn't born yesterday. No one in tech support has the name Steve. LOL! Ok, maybe they do. But it's rare that they do. Especially when Palm,Inc. outsources their tech support jobs through Taiwan, "Steve". Frankly, your usage/command of the English language indicates English is probably your second language, amirite?
8:14 PM Steve: Ok sir, please you are correct. But I was only wishing to end the conversation now with a pleasant to assist friendly and wonderful customer like you!
8:14 PM John B: Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before Steve-O. So back to my question..How's the weather in Taiwan, specifically, Taipei?
8:15 PM Steve: Please sir i do not know what you mean.
8:15 PM John B: Taipei, Taiwan, Steve. Taipei, Taiwan.
8:18 PM Steve: it is pleasant but mix of clouds and sun warm with somewhat high humidity there is a some light wind at 3kilometers per hour East.
8:18 PM John B: Shit, Steve. You sound like a goddamn meteorologist. Thanks for the
detailed forecast, weather man/tech support guy. So how's the wife and kids, Steve?
8:20 PM Steve: How how do you know I have wife and children?
8:20 PM John B: Lucky guess, bub. So how are they?
8:21 PM Steve: They are fine thanks much
8:21 PM John B: Of course they are. Your wife seems to be doing great. I just ask that you leave the key under the mat where your wife placed it for me. It's a real hassle when I'm locked out to have to call her on a Palm that has connectivity issues.
8:23 PM Steve: what?
8:23 PM John B: Yes, Steve. That's right. I'm banging your wife while you are at work and the kids are at school. Please leave the key under the mat tomorrow. Thank you.
8:26 PM Steve: Tish is not possibel to be happening. How do yuo kno its my wife you are teh banging with?!!!
8:26 PM John B: Well, she has a tiny birthmark on her left hip in the shape of a platypus. When she sneezes, she crinkles up her nose and makes a really high pitched AH-CHOO noise. She sounds like a cat in heat when she's getting laid. AND she always wears black silk panties. Real cute. Yeah? Oh, since we are on speaking terms now, I guess I should call you by your real name, right Fak-wei?
8:27 PM Steve: You are full shit! you are liar!
8:27 PM John B: Aw, c'mon Fak-wei. You can't tell me you didn't know. I forgot my Sponge Bob boxer briefs in your bed last month, they were underneath YOUR pillow..I'm sure you found 'em..they had a big ol' skid mark in 'em! Could I have them back please?
8:28 PM Steve: fuck you asshole!!!
8:28 PM John B: They were my favorite underwears..btw I really like that Bamboo plant in the corner of the bedroom, it came in really handy when I had to pee really bad and Song Hye (your wife) was so very busy washing out her cooch after I spunked all up in it. You know, if it makes you feel better. She's into three-ways. And I'm sure tomorrow she would want you to join in. Bring some Astroglide. ;)
8:30 PM Steve: FUFt&eU@WhfGj5#KJ%6SH!
8:30 PM John B: There, there, "Steve". Shh. Shhh. I'll bring the butt plugs.
8:31 PM John B:....................Steve?.........Fak-wei?
8:31 PM Steve:........................................[Steve has ended the session.]


surveygirl46 said...

Oh no you DIDN! That's too freakin funny! Come by and see us at Aunty Socials...we love stuff like this!

Julio said...

I received the TRUE draft of this conversation, and am wondering WHY you left out the part where you correctly guessed his Credit Card # (with security code), Pin #, Social Security # (the kind they have in Taiwan), mother's maiden name, first pet's name, favorite Christmas present, Street where he grew up and the rest of the facts that he uses when he forgets his password at

Static said...

@ SurveyGirl - Ah yes I did girlfriend! I'll drop by sometime..before 2012: the end of the predicted by the Mayans.

Static said...

@ Julio - I suppose I wanted to exploit that information exclusively for myself. After all, how much can a support representative's salary be? How many streaming porn clips can a weatherman or his Palm PDA handle before it goes KABOOM?!

Even if it amounts to small change, I'm greedy like that...I'm a HoBlogger, remember?

Anonymous said...

Oh lawdy lawdy lawdy
YOU is SO damn NASTY! I can't believes they lets peoples likes yous loose in the world!! My eyes feel so violated by your words!!! Sick sick sick But I can't resist Sick sick sick But I can't resist!

Skrib (aka MEaster Bunny) said...

Does the palm pre come in an assortment of colors? I'd like one in a neon green which will look really cool when it shatters after I toss it from the empire state building

Static said...

@ Anonymous - Thank you!

Static said...

@ Skrib - I don't remember. Frankly I got mine in black, and let me tell you it is no less satisfying to see it shatter on the pavement when it's tossed from the top of a step stool.

Anonymous said...

So the palm pre sucks?

Steve said...

From STEVE :
bro.. when did you chat with steve.. u know what, m Steve n i don't remember chatting with you.. so m sure u r lying.. hahaha.. btw, good trick.. :P

Static said...

Well, hello Fak-wei! I see you're so busy at work as usual. While you're surfing the internets from the comfort of your cubicle, did you find any pornographic vids of me and Song Hye yet? - just search Google for "whale penis". Your wife and I missed you the other afternoon. We bought you a really special buttplug that you missed out on. Oh, well. More fun for us! Bye. See you. Yada yada.

p.s. I've got my own key now. Sorry about killing your bamboo plant.

Static said...

@ Anonymous: I should have bought an iPhone. Then at least I could go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features - and with applications that whiten my teeth and perform lasik eye surgery, why they could have at least made an app that masturbates for you and made a phone that can actually make phone calls. Damn modern technology. Grrr ARGGH! =\

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