How The Sci Fi Channel Became a Venereal Disease

SyFy (n.)

1. Slang for syphilis, a venereal disease.

2. Name of a TV network that shows imagination-based programming to go with their illusionary ratings. Failing after a re-branding press release insulted its core audience.

3. New phonetic spelling for the Sci Fi channel. This is so people texting about their favorite programs on the channel will not have to unnecessarily overtax their brains or thumbs.

How does that happen you ask? Because the greatest network on cable, The Sci Fi Channel (reknown for their quality original films) has changed their abbreviated nickname to SyFy...a term associated with syphilis.

syfy sucks The Sci Fi Channel, or SyFy as it is now known, (which appears to be pronounced more like 'SIFFY', as in this new idea is 'IFFY'), is changing their marketing strategy to appeal to a much lower brow community that suffer from such afflictions as malaise, drug addiction, and of course, pornography and/or prostitution.

I suppose that NBC’s Sci Fi channel, often ridiculed for the decisions made by its seemingly moronic leaders, has outdone itself now by changing its name, officially, to SyFy. Maybe they thought people were too stupid to spell 'Sci Fi' and that’s why the numbers of some of their programs are so low...not that their programming sucks..or that many people ARE indeed stupid and couldn't spell it either way.

Syfy? Seriously? Unfortunately, it’s not April 1st so this must be for real.

The change was defended by network president Dave Howe in a statement.

"It gives us a unique word and it gives us the opportunities to imbue it with the values and the perception that we want it to have...It made us feel much cooler, much more cutting-edge, much more hip, which was kind of bang-on what we wanted to achieve communication-wise," he said.

Apparently, I am not the only one who isn’t convinced. It's not only the actors on Skinemax that are having all the fun these days. Fans from coast to coast have been blasting the change.

"Sounds like the name of a water bottling company," wrote one.

"Sounds like some kind of mop, blender, or gossip magazine," wrote another.

The most frequent negative interpretation: "Sounds like slang for syphilis!"

Yes, dear readers (or I should say, reader..since there is only one of you, I think)'s going to hell in a hand basket..and I'm packing heat for the picnic!

If you think their new nickname is bad, worse yet..let's look at their latest installment of made for TV films for the coming months in 2009.

* The Syence of Movies
* The Truth Behind Syentology
* Help! My Hair is on Fyr!
* Syence and Relijun
* The Syatic Nerve and You
* Sycho: The Early Years
* Flesh Gordon: Mi Pynys Ys Huge, 18" Yo

(I don’t even get that last one)

As if we should have to suffer through another Flesh For Frankenstein knock-off.

I don't know about you, but the public is outraged. So much so, that a famous celebrity wrote an open letter to SyFy.

Dear Syfy (Sci Fi),

As a concerned citizen and consumer of respectable television programming, such as The Spice Channel, I find that I am deeply troubled by your new nickname.

At first glance, "Syfy" seems innocent enough: however, according to Urban Dictionary, it's also an abbreviation or slang term for syphilis.

OK. These are indeed tough times full of additional challenges due to a tenuous economy. So it's understandable that someone would make an earnest attempt to improve their diminishing portfolio by utilizing all their skills and assets, or "improving" upon their image.

But after a few seconds of realizing what SyFy really stands for, the unsuspecting viewer learns that his greatest asset is: his God-given over-endowment, and he soon begins to moonlight as a male escort..eventually contracting syphilis from all his lewd exploits...not to mention the impression it probably makes on females, that size is everything.

I take no issue in the entrepreneurial spirit of Sci Fi's decisions. As a matter of fact, I believe that it's this kind of picking-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps mentality that has made this country what it is today. But, there is a deeper dilemma, that now plagues me and an often under-recognized demographic of society.

As someone of easy persuasion, I have spent a lifetime supporting the adage that size doesn't really matter (although I am confused as to why anything less than 18 inches is inadequate, and I am most repulsed by the idea of getting syphilis or any other venereal disease).

And now I am relegated to the role of poker-faced cabana boy/cheerleader since my not-so-well-endowed (meaning smaller than Flash Gordon's, alleged, impressive 18" dong) attempts to satisfy in the boudoir have fallen short due to severe emotional trauma I've suffered resulting from this latest attempt at envelope-pushing by cable TV producers.

The months it took convincing myself that size isn't really an issue is now all for naught due to the greed of SyFy execs looking to make a fast buck by exploiting the fascination of the American public when it comes to male organ size, sexually transmitted diseases, and how it is all somehow related to science fiction.

Is there someone I can sue for the emotional damages incurred, not to mention the pain and suffering I have endured as a result of this latest nouveau programming faux pas of sizeable magnitude (no pun)? How about some sort of reimbursement for the extra therapy and couples counseling me and my blow up doll will now be forced to endure due to the network's selfishness? Can I at least get a credit on my cable bill?

the blow up doll
the blow up doll

And while this is just another sad saga in the history of The Sci Fi Channel, I suspect I am not the only one experiencing increased angst and life-altering implications at the hands of irresponsible and insensitive television producers.

Let's face it. Not everyone is going to measure up in the penile department now that bigger being better is open for discussion. Even the most self-assured male among us may be relegated to posing age-old questions once put to rest by reassuring partners and Dr. Ruth.

I wonder what a station like this says about us as a society; one that glamorizes the haves and diminishes the have-not-enough-ofs. Will men and women, who were once presumed to reside in far away places like Mars and Venus, recoil even further into their respective intergalactic corners? Could SYFY be the end of civilization as we know it?!

Look, I've lived through a post Sex in the City world, where I finally gave up trying to get in touch with my inner Carrie, especially during these lean fiscal times, when my Manolos have been replaced by Payless. But now that there's a new "Mr. Big" in town, where does that leave the average Joes and the women/men/aliens/dogs/other furry woodland creatures/and possibly inanimate objects who love them?

In short, SyFy is an Epic Failure.

Your Former Loyal Viewer,

Ron Jeremy

Since SyFy's decision to change their name, I've also decided to make a similar move in the same direction. Jumping upon that bandwagon, henceforth, Krapsody will now be known as The Shit Has Hit The Fan.

And that, my friends, is made of God and Win.


Anonymous said...

Your stunning powers of observation are quite shocking to an octogenerian! And this article wasn't bad either. What was it about again?

Skrib (aka MEaster Bunny) said...

I often thought Ron Jeremy should do a sci fi channel movie. Now I am certain he could do a syphilis and/or male enhancement public service announcement.

Unknown said...

I didn't realize that SyFy was related to syphilis...too funny!

Gboo said...

Where can i get one of those blowup dolls??

Bunny Boiler said...

Is it safe to tune in to if you are already shot full of Penicillin? (Just curious.)

Static said...

@ Anonymous - Octogenarians are easily shocked for the most part. They also get the brake pedal mixed up with the accelerator, and vice versa. Octogenarians are also known for Alzheimer's, and wearing Depends...which reminds me, I have to change mine.

Static said...

@ Skrib - Although not officially the poster boy for syphilis, or anything really...Krapsody insiders say that Ron Jeremy is currently auditioning for the following parts: The Pillsbury Dough Boy, The Michelin Man, Chef Boyardee, and a wad of hair stuck in a shower drain.

Static said...

@ Jeve - Hello and welcome to hell.

You think SyFy and it's alternate meaning are funny, tune in to the latest series on the Venereal Health 1 (VH1) channel.

It's called 'Real Chance of Love 2'. Tonight's episode, Gonorrhea: Oh noes, I've got the clap!.

These fine examples of paid programming and entertainment are just further proof that Venereality TV shows suck mongo turd.

Static said...

@ Gboo - Google, do you use it?!

Static said...

@ Bunny Boiler - No.

It is safe however, if you already have syphilis.
Otherwise, avoid it all costs.
The eyes are the worst place to get syphilis!

Shrinky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
megamanthemadman said...

ABC in a surprise move to maintain ratings after the syfy's surprise move changed to All Big Cocks...NBC feeling the heat changed to Nothing But Cunts and CBS keeping up with the Johnson's Come Bendover Sweetheart...networks across the board scrambled to keep up their ratings with sexually suggestive titles..

megamanthemadman said...

Great Post...Funny as usual..LMAO..

Julio said...

I hate SYFY so I don't really "care" what they call it. They could fall it " know, like that Vinerial Disease" and I would be like, "So...just let me know if what is playing is a sci-fi 'original' so I can CHANGE THE CHANNELL" and they would be like "we're not 'sci-fi anymore, we're ' know, like that Venereal Disease.' and I would be like "who gives a fuck, your movies suck and all you're good for are reruns of Twilight Zone, Quantum Leap and, uhm, well, that's it."

Static said...

@ Julio - Soo..I take it you are not a fan of Sci Fi (SyFy)? O_o

Jesus the hobo said...

Unlike your other readers and the SyFy channel, I actually have syphilis...and let me tell you it is not fun. Unless you're giving it to someone else (like your evil step-mother!)

Static said...

@ Megaman - Frankly, after hearing of those networks changes, it's no surprise as to why they have higher ratings than the SYFY channel.

Static said...

@ Jesus - I see...the problem with that is, I have no evil stepmother. Nor a stepmother at all..what? Oh yes, you meant YOUR evil stepmother.

Jesus the hobo said...

come to think of it youre right
i meant giving it to Julios grandmother is more fun than watchin the syfy channel

Organic Meatbag said...

I just recently notice the whole SyFy name change when flipping through channels... Ron Jeremey wouldn't be out of place so much on one of their original piece of shit movies... he would fit right in along with Christopher Atkin and Donnie "Ralph Malph" Most...

TT said...

They really screwed up when they changed their name. They sucked before. Now they just really suck.

Julio said...

I have only ONE complaint: Not enough BUTTSECKS! If I haven't already said this enough, KRAPSODY.COM NEEDS MORE BUTTSECKS!!!!

The Man-Cave said...

Your blog is too f'n funny? How the hell did I not find this sooner?

Thanks for putting the new SyFy into perspective for me. I will never look at it the same the way...might even throw a plastic bag over the tv when I turn it on. So thanks for that.

Static said...

@ Organic Meatbag - I'll have you know, Mr. Meatbag, that Christopher Atkin and Donnie "Ralph Malph" Most are the most awe inspiring actors ever to grace this Earth.

Why if it weren't for The Blue Lagoon, young men like me wouldn't know how to measure up and approach a hot babe like Brooke Shields. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't blond, my hair wasn't as curly, and I didn't look quite as good in a loin cloth, and my chest was concave. But I had tons of personality (notice I emphasized HAD - I'm all about looking like a million dollars nowadays, who needs personality...or acting skills?)

Let's not forget Chris Atkins other roles, like in A Pirate Movie which he starred alongside Kristy MacNichol, Atkins again appeared shirtless in this film, which was to become a recurring theme in his acting career. Atkins commented, "What do you mean as soon as I get a job where I don't have to wear a loincloth, I will be wearing a speedo swimsuit! Will I ever have an acting job when I don't have to be shirtless?"

Oh, boy! What a whiner! With a body like that, he's complaining?! I suppose he wanted to be credited for his acting abilities. Ok, then.

How about A Night In Heaven with Leslie Ann Warren? Chris plays, what else, a male stripper!
All he has to do is go around shirtless and teabag some cougars and milfs. Wow, tough job. Ha ha.

And without Donnie "Ralph Malph" Most, Happy Days might have been Somewhat Average Days, despite his jokes usually getting little or no reaction from any other characters, who could forget his unsuccessful attempts to get dates, his practical jokes, or his catchphrase, "I still got it"?!
Why you practically modeled your entire life after that didn't ya?! I know I did.

Hmm, thanks for the thoroughly depressing thoughts, Meatbag!

Static said...

@ TT - I believe it's their new slogan, "SyFy - we suck even more than before".

Static said...

@ Julio - If it's buttsecks you are looking for, try Cinemax. If rimming is what you want, try ESPN.

Static said...

@ Geof - Why, thanks. It may be hard to find because of it's name. I have RHAPSODY to contend with as far as searches for Krapsody go, but I am the leading contender for keyword searches involving, "whale penis".

Don't forget to cover yourself in a latex suit before viewing! Enjoy.

Static said...

Ironically, days after posting this I was flipping around the cable channels and caught this flickering gem (just to show how psychic I am and how relevant Krapsody is for all things popular)-

Ron Jeremy stars as himself in One-Eyed Monster, a horror film parody predicated on the premise that an alien force takes over Jeremy's penis and begins killing people in the woods.

Quite kraptastic and lulzworthy!

Static said...



Brian said...

SyFy, like syphilis, refuses to go away, even though it's acutely unpleasant.

Static said...

@ Brian - Hmm, well SyFy is acutely unpleasant.

As for syphilis, you sound like a man of experience. However, I beg to differ. I believe syphilis would be MAJORLY unpleasant!

Especially when the afflicted breaks out with painful lesions all over their crotch, face, etc. and then if left untreated they enter a fatal tertiary stage.

Also, good luck with your "Neanderthal unibrow". =)

Randi Athenas said...

Dear Mr. Jones:
We apologize for the delay in getting back to you on our shortened name. We had no idea it was slang for syphilis. We have rectified the situation and now will be known as Collective Lateral Alternate Programming.

Thank you for pointing this out.

Randi Athenas
Executive Producer,
C.L.A.P. tv

Static said...

@RandiAthenas Um, who's in charge of rebranding your network there? They should be shot and then rebrand the network: AIDS (in the eyes) because that's what you'll get watching this trash.

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