The Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Question At Walmart

As I've gotten older very few things shock me anymore. Mostly, things that are meant to be shocking end up making me laugh...which happens quite frequently. I often burst out into fits of laughter. I must look like a crazy person...just laughing hysterically seemingly for no reason.

Whether I'm at the bank and see my account balance after I make a deposit; whether I'm opening my mail and come across my latest cable bill; or whether I'm surfing the internets. This would be one of those moments.

As we all know, Walmart is a haven for just about anything you could want. It's also a haven for the lowest common denominator. But not as low as this:



ahhh...butt plug?

FYI Butt Plug Guy - I don't think they sell butt plugs at Walmart. At least not yet. Since Plan A: Assorted Adult Novelties and Plan B: Butt Plug failed, perhaps for Plan C you can use a Cock Ring instead? And place it firmly around your pencil neck.

If that wasn't enough Walmart lols for you...there's more!

I present:


A blog that celebrates a plethora of Walmart oddities. Including more ass than you can shake a butt plug at!

Like this:

Walmart butt plug huge ass

Butts you wouldn't even want to consider pluggable (the above is also included, but most especially this wannabe gangsta onesie ass):

Walmart butt plug wannabe gangsta onesie ass

You're welcome for the visuals. Hey if I gotta suffer, so do you!

The only thing more shocking then those Walmart tidbits is this news story about some scumbag BUTT PLUG who slapped a stranger’s crying toddler at a Walmart in Atlanta.
Roger Stephens baby slapping bastard
Roger Stephens, 61, baby slapper, slapped with felony and jail time. Looks like a winner, don't he? He appears to be quite the BUTT PLUG bastard. That bastard must have been reading the gospel according to St. Bastard. You have to be a total bastard to slap a child simply for crying.

Annoyed by someone's crying child? Bastard. The toddler probably just needed a pacifier. Getting annoyed with and slapping a toddler is using about as much intelligence as a butt plug has. What a big baby, "Oh, shut that child up, it's annoying me..waaaah!" Stephens needs a pacifier, a big ol' butt plug to just shove in his gaping maw.

His motto must be, "When life gets complicated with no patience for crying brats and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then slap toddlers like a bastard, from the Pecos, to El Paso, to Atlanta... with the bastard music at top volume, a butt plug in my pie hole, and at least a pint of ether, and a case of Arrogant Bastard Ale."


Bastard. Goddamn Butt Plug.

Perhaps the butt plug bastard is getting a bit of bitch slapping himself at the Gwinnett County Detention Center? Nothing pisses me off more than a butt pluggin' bastard. Especially one who's stupidity overshadows his cowardice and need for butt pluggin', because that's where his head is!

There are plenty of butt pluggin' bastards in the world.

There's Fat Bastard, the largest Butt Plug to walk the Earth
fat bastard

There's Ol' Dirty Bastard, foul mouthed Butt Plug Rapper
ol dirty bastard

There's Inglourious Basterds, butt plugs! (ha, just had to throw that in there)
inglourious basterds

let's not forget Chris Brown, butt plugged bastard,
chris brown butt plugged bastard

and there's Michael Vick, to name a few. Total Butt Plugs. The Bastards.
fucking bastard

I'd like to see what kind of hits I get for butt plug. I'm sure there will be A LOT.

Jebus! Nothing like a paradigm shift without using the clutch! We need to thin the herd folks.

There are 5 things to use in the defense of children:
Police, Jail, Soap, Jury, Ammo. Use in that order. Starting now.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
So could that butt plug you're sucking on. Bastards.


Gorilla Bananas said...

I find it very touching that the Walmart employee didn't know what a butt plug was. I'd like to tip him a dollar for his sweet innocence.

Static said...

@ Gorilla B. - You know he'd just spend it on butt plugs.

Skrib (aka MEaster Bunny) said...

So where can i get some butt plugs?

Julio said...

Wait...are you telling me there's a device...that you shove up your ass...and it STAYS THERE?! It doesn't fall out or get sucked in, but just SITS THERE? And I can have GAY SEX at the same time?! WHAT MARVELOUS INVENTION YOU ASIANS HAVE PROVIDED ME THIS GLORIOUS DAY! Thank you, Asia, or I should say, GaYsia

Static said...

@ Skrib - Google, do you use it?!

Static said...

@ Julio - Well, you don't have to tell EVERYONE about our enchanted evenings together, do YOU?! Now the women in our lives will know what we are REALLY up to when they think WE are blogging FFS! Gosh, I swear you are a bastard sometimes...

Static said...


The Man-Cave said...

What a freakin' find! I just wanted to look at one or two pages of People at Wal-Mart and now I am on page 10. Thanks a lot! Now I will have nightmares about this f'n people and their ghetto-fabulous automobiles! ;)

Static said...

@ Geoff - AHAHAHA! And my plan is almost complete!

Anonymous said...

Attention, incoming college students: the bar has been set! Top 3 Best College Pranks of All Time

D_McNutsack said...

I have to wonder how many times Wal-mart gets calls like these?

Adnoxious said...

haha amazing. Wal-mart shoppers are a very "special" breed.

The commercials are terrible too:

Static said...

@ Colon - normally I would tell anyone submitting their irrelevant links to go suck a butt plug recently used by a male prostitute with dysentery...but in your case, Colon, I'll make an exception since those are some pretty stellar stunts made of GOD AND WIN!

Also, Colon, would you like to purchase a butt plug?

Static said...

@ D_McNutsack - Well, considering that 99.9% of the general population within a square mile of where Walmarts are located are belligerent squealing feeble-minded trolls that are uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits..I'd say chances are pretty high it's a daily occurrence.

Static said...

@ Adnoxious - A very special breed, surely.

Thanks for turning me on to the I have one more reason to mock not only the chain store, but the establishment itself.

Stay tuned for my next 'Institutions of Jocularity article: Walmart - Where Stupid Meets Gluttony'

Anonymous said...

I love the people of walmart website!

BTW,good luck on all your butt plug traffic!

Static said...

@ Thinkinfyou - Why thanks. I'm thinking of starting a butt plug marketing company. Or maybe I'll just toss up a couple Google ads for this post? Seems to be my niche at the mo...SOOO, would YOU like to buy a butt plug?

Soge shirts said...

People of walmart make me feel a lot better about myself. For this I must thank Walmart. Over under on the amount of time that it will take for people of walmart to find a 600 pound tranny with an amputated leg with half a mustache?

Static said...

@ Sogeshirts - Yep, me too. Narcissist much?

Also, you asked about a 600 pound tranny with an amputated leg with half a mustache? That shouldn't take long, try aisle five...right next to the Rogaine.

Snarky Basterd said...

I gave you the "Total Krap" just because that field was empty, and lonely.

I friggin' love the People of Walmart site...I steal from them all the time.

I'm not so up on butt plugs...and not so sure People of Walmart even know what they are.

I think that dude might want to call some bar in midtown Atlanta instead; they'll be able to deliver a drink called Butt Plug, but he might need antibiotics after downing it... and a shot from a blow gun, just in case.

Static said...

@ Dr. Dave - I don't think the caller was looking for alcoholic beverages containing Red Bull, vodka and Blue Curacao, that are called 'Butt Plug'.

Rather, he was calling Walmart to see if any of the customer service personnel were butt plug (as in the anal toy) savvy.

Btw, what good would a blow gun be? Isn't that what the alcohol and GHB are for, instead?

You sound like a man of experience here. Do you put it in and pump it up with The Purple Inflatable Butt Plug, the hottest inflatable rubber anal toy from Doc Johnson, and then write responses to blog articles? Never mind, I don't wanna know.

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