Thought For The Day No. 8


I would really like to find a useful application for lint. It seems like such a wasted resource. Honestly, I feel funny admitting this, but I don't empty the lint trap in the dryer until I know I can pull out a wad of lint so enormous, that it could only be compared to bigfoot, and then I feel like I've accomplished something.

Wash hundreds of socks. Remove lint. Continue napping. And my day is complete.
Let me be clear, I'm not excluding belly button lint here, either. I predict there will be an Art Movement of Belly Button Lint. I believe with the correct shampoo and styling products we could soon see Belly Button Lint gracing the catwalks in Paris and Milan.

Just think about it though. When you clean out your lint trap, imagine all those thick layers of lint you toss out. What if they could be "recycled" and "reused"? Which reminds me, how many socks do you lose every year in your dryer?

Interesting enough, lint can make a great layer of insulation for homes. There are many many other uses for it as well.

For example, making thread from lint, you could replace those lost pair of socks in no time.

Those fuzzy fluffy fibers (which are essentially the by-product of fabrics!) would be a fabulous way to economize the textile industry, don't you think?

We're all trying to think outside of the box with our current economic situation: the restructuring of the health care system, the bailouts, the gasoline shortage and renewable energy...why shouldn't we consider clothing too?

Such an innovation could, oh I dunno...take on a reality series like Project Runway and provide it's homofabulous contestants with such new found passion they literally burst out of their pants?! It's a moment I know I've been eagerly awaiting.

There's no question that such innovation would set the fashion world on it's head!! What an accomplishment it would be to make lines of clothing from...FUZZ! Whether that's dryer or belly button lint (lint in general being the least acknowledged resource), right?! (for more fashion sense see my Hobo Chic article)

In all my excitement it appears I've overlooked an important companion to Belly Button Lint - Bum Crack Lint! Lint can also accumulate at the top of your bum crack, near the small of your back. YES! I know, right?! Depending on the size of your ass, there can be QUITE an accumulation.

Just how much is the question. What is the relationship between these two lint accumulators I wonder? Are they always the same color? Does lint migrate from one location to the other? What are the relative lint densities between bum crack and belly button? There are clearly a number of important, unexplored issues here.

Maybe if we examine it from an astrophysics point-of-view; "A lint gland? Preposterous! However, it is possible through further research to determine that lint is drawn from our underwear by the gravitational force of the tiny black hole that each of us has in our navel." - Albert Einstein on Darwin's Belly Button Lint Theory

Or perhaps human biology is at work; "Lint actually comes from the inside of your belly. This occurred after thousands of years of evolution. There is a (yet-to-be-discovered) lint gland, which resides just behind your belly button. This works something like our sinuses, except instead of producing mucus, it produces lint." - Charles Darwin on The Belly Button Lint Theory

But perhaps the belly button is simply where lint goes to retire after working it's way towards your belly button it's entire life. This is where things get tricky.

According to recent polls conducted by Yours Truly, (there were no subjects to interview, so I made that up), people are relatively indifferent to lint (meaning they have little contempt or love for it).

For example, the "If Your Relationship To Lint Were A Romance, Would Your Feelings Best Be Described As.." poll, consisting of the following answers:

a.) Running scared for the hills!
b.) Wanting to commit, but always feeling unsure.
c.) Ready to make a permanent commitment.
d.) Interested, but taking it slowly and carefully.

25.8% of those polled responded with 'a', 24.6% responded with 'b', 24.3% responded with 'c', 23.9% responded with 'd', and 1.4% responded with "no clue", "get a life", and "f*** the hell off". So the answers given were all too close to really confirm whether people absolutely love or hate lint.

And the "Other Possible Uses For Belly Button Fluff Would Be..." poll I conducted revealed some of the following responses:

storage: "My friend collects his boyfriend's and stores it in his teddy bear." [That Paris (Hilton)..she's a riot!]

clothing: "I'm saving mine to knit a jacket." [Martha Stewart is so resourceful, isn't she?]

baldness: "I'm collecting it for my male pattern baldness . . . " [What does that mean exactly? F*** if I know!]

homecraft: "I reckon we should establish Belly Button Lint collection stations, and make quilts and pillows from it. Maybe we could establish a cottage industry, and have people with spinning wheels recreating cotton and other fabrics from the lint." [EXACTLY!]

lighting: "Could Belly Button Lint be combined with ear wax to make a candle? This could go some way towards solving the energy crisis. I have plenty of ear wax to donate." [I believe this person (Al Gore) is a genius!]

firestarting: "It's useful as tinder when out in the wilderness." [Smokey The Bear is so cool!]

Speaking of wilderness survival, how about those reality TV survival series? Unlike Bear Grylls, most of my skills would be useless in the wilderness. Unless you count making balloon animals as being useful.

Although, balloon artistry is not so useful unless you plan on becoming a clown.
And let's face it, clowns are not so entertaining or popular once you pass a certain age...only fit for children and those that are easily amused.

Although, clown popularity could change if more reality TV shows involving clowns were available for viewers. Here's how one possible reality clown series might play out...

Wilderness Survival Clown: episode 1
Bear spots clown
Clown spots bear
Bear approaches clown
Clown squirts bear w/seltzer water
Bear mauls clown
Wilderness Survival Clown fail

See? Now how entertaining would THAT be? Clown meets bear, bear kills clown. The show contains information, romance, suspense, drama, and lols all in one!

dead clown

Listening to:
The Lint Song by MC Lars


Adnoxious said...

Take that lint, use it to make fake beards, sell those fake beards, roll around in your zillions of dollars. Problem solved.
Taking aim at lousy advertising

Unknown said...

@adnoxious and do you include YOUR OWN LOUSY ADVERTISING as "lousy advertising"? Because it really isn't that lousy, to be honest. At least not as awful as the commercials you poke fun at. God they're awful, but in the same sick way that torturing children is awful...

@~Static~ Loved the article. Ever had sex in a dryer? With a MIDGET? NO but seriously if she sticks the top half of her body in the dryer it could actually work out pretty erotically.
But on a less sexual note, I too have pondered how lint could be re-used; however as with much of recycling, there are fossiel-fuel elements to be taken into account in terms of reprocessing the materials. The additional fossil-fuels required to reprocess recycled materials, in addition to the lowered quality and abundance of new raw materials lowers the viability of recycled materials over new materials. Not that recycling is BAD...just maybe not practical for ALL things. Like hobo -meat. Ever had RECYCLED hobo meat? It tastes like a renter!

Static said...

@ Adnoxious - That's a good idea.
However, I think there are a few missing steps that cannot go without mention.

Such as Fake Beard Market Research for starters...
WHO is going to buy all these goddamned beards made of lint, for instance?

What is my demographic?
Novelty beards to compliment ZZ Top Halloween costumes?
Mall Santas at Christmas time?
Young Amish men who are unable to grow a full beard and wish to look more manly when they are trotting through town in their horse drawn carriages?
Young Muslim men who are unable to grow full beards and wish to avoid embarrassment on Ramadan by donning a fake beard made of lint and humiliating themselves publicly when it falls off?

I think I need to hire a market research team, pronto!

Static said...

@ Mr. Bananas - But a belly button lint removal contraption would take all the fun out of picking it out by hand (or occasionally my significant other's toothbrush) - so since I've already tried one tool I might as well try another...a miniature egg-whisk, eh? Hmm....

What a coincidence, just like Bear Grylls, I do my own stunts.

Frankly, Banana-killer...I imagine it's pretty damned hilarious when you kick ANYONE in the butt.

Static said...

@ Adnoxious - I just got another great idea that follows the lint beard concept...wigs made of lint!

Demographics for this product will include:
Balding person(s) like your grandmother
Ron Popeil
Rush Limbaugh
Dick Cheney
Lex Luthor
Yul Brenner (um, nvm he's DEAD)
Sinead O'Connor
Bruce Willis
Stanley Tucci
Vin Diesel
Chemotherapy patients
and Circus clowns!!

I'll be RICH!

Static said...

@ Julio - Torturing children is awful? Not according to convicted kidnapper and rapist, Phillip Garrido; and baby slapper, Roger Stephens!

No, I have never had sex in a dryer. On top of one, yes. Sex WITH a dryer, yes.
SEX With A MIDGET? NO. ???!!!

As far as recycling lint there would be no fossil-fuels used to reprocess the materials.

We would take bored middle-aged housewives, and elderly women (virtual fossils, like your grandmother) and put them to work in offshore sweatshops around the clock.

They will work the lint on giant looms until they collapse and then we shall beat them until they get up and start working again.

There's nothing MORE practical about this idea. It shall cut costs across the board and Wal-mart will boom once again!

After we go through all the women we'll round up the hobos next...starting with get to work!

Unknown said...

In a strictly non-humorous vein, wads of compressed dryer lint make great campfire starters (or is that camp firestarters? Hmm)

Static said...

@ Von Moistus - Actually, I find that quite humorous.

I'm imagining a wad of compressed dryer lint being tossed into a campfire by a very naive individual unaware of the dangers of fire AND the ultra-flammable components of lint!

It might go something like this:
Family outing at campsite
Boy tosses wad of lint into unattended campfire
Lint bursts into flames causing campfire to spread
Boy with shocked expression on face watches as several trees go up in flames
Boy continues to watch with same expression as their tents go up in flames
Boy continues with mouth agape to follow trail of fiery death as the family RV catches fire
Boy starts to cry when Smokey the Bear catches fire trying to put out the flames with a sleeping bag

Aww! Now isn't THAT exciting?! That's almost better than the mauled Clown show.

Skrib (aka MEaster Bunny) said...

How about using the lint to make wigs and toupees for bald peeps?

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