Swine Flu and You

Coming to my Swine Flu Party? We're gonna lick all the inanimate objects in the house..like the door knobs, sneeze on the dinnerware, spit in the punch bowl, then we're gonna fill up Super Soakers with fresh ladlefuls of body fluids and squirt attendees in the face. Come on in!

Most experts say that deliberately seeking out the H1N1 virus in the hopes of becoming immunized is a bad idea. I'm no expert, but I have to say you are a total fucktard if you think this is a good idea.

During one of the many cholera pandemics, do you think people went out of their way to collect diarrhea and roll around in and lap up the liquidy stools in hopes that they would become immune?

That would be like having unprotected sex with or shooting up with a syringe owned by an HIV positive infected person. You might as well increase the odds and load all the chambers on a revolver and then put it to your head and pull the trigger in some ass-backwards game of Russian roulette.


What is the CDC’s recommendation regarding "swine flu parties"? (because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are experts)

"Swine flu parties" are gatherings during which people have close contact with a person who has 2009 H1N1 flu in order to become infected with the virus. The intent of these parties is for a person to become infected with what for many people has been a mild disease, in the hope of having natural immunity 2009 H1N1 flu virus that might circulate later and cause more severe disease.

CDC does not recommend "swine flu parties" as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

CDC recommends that people with 2009 H1N1 flu avoid contact with others as much as possible. If you are sick with flu-like illness, CDC recommends that you stay home for at least 24 hours after your fever is gone except to get medical care or for other necessities. (Your fever should be gone without the use of a fever-reducing medicine.) Stay away from others as much as possible to keep from making others sick.

So..a quick review. Avoiding the swine flu = GOOD...trying to deliberately catch swine flu = BAD.

Did we get that yet? If you didn't, then you are really stupid and kind of deserve to get swine flu and in some cases..DIE. But I'm not down with deadly complications. Oh no, I wouldn't wish that kind of undignified death upon my worst enemy. Instead, I hope you just get really really sick, like puke-and-shit-yourself-silly sick and learn your lesson. No swine flu parties!

How about a "Let's Not Get The Swine Flu Party" instead?

There will be plenty of antiviral drugs passed out (the kind you have been trying to get but haven't been made available yet), several chemical germicides to choose from, rubber gloves, surgical masks, and biohazard suits. We can serve up some tasty oeur d'oeuvres with bacon, bacon-flavored soda, and pork rinds.

bacon makes everything better even the swine flu
Remember: Bacon Makes Everything Better!

Maybe if I get the bacon girl baconed up enough, I'll get lucky and make some bacon on the beach. Regular exposure to pigs and pork products is not going to make you immune either, so scratch that idea.

Honestly, as far as swine flu goes, there are worse things to get. Like cholera, AIDS, or DirecTV.

In the meantime, as the Food and Drug Administration works like crazy to produce all that H1N1 flu vaccine that has been promised, Kanye West has offered to do a swine flu PSA because he's cool (and spontaneous) like that.

Kanye West and swine flu


Gorilla Bananas said...

H1N1 should have infected R2D2 to produce a robot that squeals like a pig.

Angry_Clown said...

Man I love Krapsody but can ya make the posts shorter? It took me an hour to read it and I now its because I'm a bit slow and all but so is most of the population!


Angry_Clown said...

I also KNOW I cant spell.

Static said...

@ Hannah Banana - It's funny you mention that.

Did you know that there was a sequel to Deliverance which included a spoof on Star Wars?

Remember the hillbilly that escaped after his buddy raped Ned Beatty's character?

..well THAT guy forces CP3O and R2D2 to put on pig costumes and then RAPES them, who oddly enough, squealed just like pigs too.

Might I add that this Robot Rape-Fest was committed to that unforgettable "Dueling Banjos" song.

Static said...

@ AC - Hmm...let. me. think. about. that. for. a. second. Ummmm, NO.

Was that a short enough answer for ya?

Angry_Clown said...

At Stat. Yes thank you!

Static said...

@ AC and Everyone - You're welcome. As long as we're on the subject O ye who hath the attention span of a gnat AND publishes posts that are just as long if not longer than my own.

I HONESTLY mean no disrespect towards you here, man, but if I may be frank - what separates me from you is that your posts are often filled with so many grammatical errors that they also become quite cumbersome to read sometimes.

Combined with poor spelling and punctuation (the run-on sentences in particular which often make your posts incomprehensible) ALL in all encourages - NO..makes the reader want to rip their eyes out of their head..after attempting to digest your content in whatever amount of time it takes them to...good job. =) I am assuming this is/was your intention. I tell you...I AM FUCKING BLIND MAN!

Furthermore, your grammar is just as bad as your spelling and punctuation...and to be honest, "most of the population" -by that I mean --those that are inert and obtuse can go FUCK themselves if they can't bother to read a paragraph and comment accordingly. Those are the kind of people I DO NOT want reading my blog anyway.

There's nothing worse than the uncultured and misinformed making comments that are irrational, thoughtless, biased and/or unrelated to the topic, as far as blogging goes.

I intensely dislike it when certain (most) people (in exception to present company), especially those who have no sense of the written word try to tell me how I should write...imagine the audacity some people have to tell someone else how they should write on their own god-damned blog!

Everyone has their opinion and are certainly entitled to it. However, so am I...and I will express my opinion however I chose to and see fit, and I try to do so as tactfully and as concisely as I can.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it, jive turkeys. kthxbai!

Static said...

@ AC - You're right. Who cares, and writing is meant to be fun. So is life in general.

I can read shit punctuation and poorly worded sentences all day, but that doesn't mean I like to. I suppose it's just one of my pet peeves. And really, yours is certainly not the worst..not that any of those judgments amount to a hill of beans in the long run. I also do not care for people who are on a high horse trip.

Sorry that I put my shit on you. This year has been difficult for me and I suppose with all the crap I have been through, I unintentionally unleashed some of it on ya. Apologies.

Gboo said...

Does this mean I can't come if I'm already sick?

I get the impression that you and the Angry clown are going to kiss and make up but before you do please give me the swine flu before you pass it between each another

i like my swine flu untainted

Cher Duncombe said...

I think I'll pass on your party, but you should throw it just for people you don't like. You could always rename it the Spam Party and let the germs fly!

Belgoran said...

I want to go to the first party you described, then the second immediately thereafter.

Also, I don't -really- get the idea of getting the disease while it's still 'weak' and immunizing yourself. My understanding is, if it changes, your immunity's about as useful as that super soaker full of bodily fluids.

Static said...

@Ghettobooty - You're still invited, and don't worry, I'm saving all my "taint" for YOU.

That reminds me of the recent E-coli outbreak here in New England...some students ate tainted hamburgers and spent a number of days in th hospital!
"Hey, you got taint on my meat!"
"Well you got meat on my taint!"

Static said...

@Cherlock Holmes -
I think I'd rather invite everyone I can...especially all the cam hotties that spam social networking sites with promises of showing more boobies...they say they're gonna show ya more, but just click this link first..then this one next...then just one more...fill out your cc info on that one and OOH don't forget to visit my friend at this link and.....ÝÊêêÁâRGGHHH! You god-damned teasers! I was just about to open my fly and release my spam-slab...gerrrdammit I think I just shot in my pants...dirty no-good cam-sluuuuuhtz! They could at least pay my dry cleaning bill.

Static said...

@Belgoransofaraway - You're preaching to the choir. You're also telling this to someone who just let a gallon of sperm fly free in their orange polyester bell-bottomed pants (as opposed to the wall which I suppose has taken enough beatings).

Anonymous said...

Here's what I don't understand: Every year, a new flu bug comes around. We should be used to this by now, it's been happening for decades.

But we always freak out and fill ourselves with every drug and medicine and vitamin and supplement possible to keep from getting sick.

And what happens? WE PISS THE FLU OFF. Every year it comes back meaner and so we swallow more drugs and it has to get even stronger so we have to choke down more drugs and so and so and so forth.

Last year, bird flu.

This year, swine flu.

Next year, cow flu.

In five years, elephant flu.

Static said...

@ Audibleunderwear - I also do not understand. Many of the EMTs, paramedics, nurses, and doctors I work in conjunction with also do not understand the hysteria. Medical science has come a long way.

Is another pandemic possible? Sure. Do we know more about how to prevent one from spreading? Yes, and that is the key. Not to sound callous or indifferent but, it's inevitable that some people are going to die (from disease). Death is a natural process of life. We cannot end all disease, no matter what..another one will just come along and replace it.

In some cases there is justifiable concern, especially where the deaths of people (or cats--click the link) are involved.

But plain old INFLUENZA kills more people every year than any of those viruses you just mentioned.

Nature has always had a way of ensuring it's own brand of population control, look at the epidemic of tuberculosis infecting many throughout history...it's still a very real threat today. But you hardly ever hear about it.

Viruses are genetic entities that lie somewhere in the grey area between living and non-living states. They depend upon their hosts for survival. You could say that they are like parasites.

Viruses depend on the host cells that they infect to reproduce. They have such high mutation and reproductive rates, they can adapt to changing environments quite well. Taking into account the only way they can reproduce is by infecting a cell they must be able to evolve faster than their hosts cells. If not, then the host cells would adapt/evolve to where a virus would no longer be able to infect and everyone would remain healthy despite their existence.

Responsible for a number of diseases in humans which include: smallpox, the common cold, chickenpox, influenza, shingles, herpes, polio, rabies, Ebola, West Nile, hanta fever, and AIDS...even some types of cancer -- though definitely not all -- have been linked to viruses...it's easy to understand the concerns or worries people have.

Also, you forgot to mention the most deadly virus of them all:

Last year it was bird flu.

This year we have swine flu.

Next year we will have cow flu. (spread by fast food establishments like McDonald's)

In TWO (not five) years we will have elephant flu. (spread by circuses)

And of course, THREE YEARS from now the virus that will end all of humanity (in 2012, just as the Mayans predicted) is...THE HOBO FLU!

This new strain of virus caused by hobos, spread by hobos, and transmitted to other humans via direct contact (such as giving them spare change and then the very same spare change goes back into circulation thereby infecting others) will wipe out the entire human race!!!...because we ignored the problem of class-based segregation for far too long.

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Unknown said...

I felt it was almost inevitable that I was going to get the swine (cue scary organ music). Here is my experience. http://boehmcke.blogspot.com/2009/10/feeling-swine.html Perhaps a swine party is in order?

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