Dylan Army Goes AWOL

44 years ago at Newport Folk Festival, Bob Dylan shocked fans by performing an unheard of electric set to a die-hard folk audience. This year he shocked fans once again...most readers first inclination will be to think of his Christmas album release. But no. This time Dylan completely surprised by plugging-in and jamming on a synthesizer at a recent performance at Wang Theatre in Boston, MA.

Rocking out exclusively on the Keytar, Dylan wailed on classic hits such as "Just Like a Woman", "Blood in My Eyes", "I Want You", "Like a Rolling Stone", and "Tangled Up in Blue". The show vaguely resembled an outlandish mangled version of Rock Band played by senior citizens stricken with Alzheimer's.

Bereft of their dignity, overwhelmed and appalled fans left one by one well into his first set. Devotees who previously thought Dylan was God, now have the opinion that he's fallen from grace. One embarrassed fan remarked, "Some people say there is no Devil. Well, let me tell you that the Devil owns this world. And Bob Dylan is the Devil."

Hey Satan Chris Brown called He wants his bow tie back
Hey, Satan..Chris Brown called - he wants his bow tie back.

Even with record high unemployment, after hearing Dylan's first set, his limo driver promptly resigned his position. Witnesses reported that he then hopped a bus bound for The Big Apple with high hopes of becoming a New York City cab driver and will never be heard from again. At this time, no one else has applied to replace the limo driver.

The stunning climax of Dylan's synthetic show consisted of a 15-minute solo showdown of keyboarding prowess, including none other than synthesizer virtuoso, Jan Hammer, who joined Dylan onstage for an encore rendition of "Let Me Die in My Footsteps"...and this is exactly what former fans are looking forward to.

When Dylan plays synth-rock,
peeps don't want to drop X
and/or break out the glowsticks!

At the conclusion one solitary fan blurted out, "What in the hell were you thinking man?!"
Dylan responded, "I'm thinkin'..that MY SHOW is pretty hep."

"I think that you are being extremely inappropriate right now, and I’m leaving," the incensed fan retorted.

Dylan continued to an empty room, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Everybody's a critic. Tomorrow night I'm gonna bust out shred metal versions of the same material and I'm officially sending out an open invitation to Slayer and the incredible Zladko "ZLAD!" Vladcik to join me onstage for tomorrow night's encore."


Gorilla Bananas said...

I once wrote a song for King Kong that went:
I don't believe in Zimmerman
I just believe in me, Fay Wray and me

Static said...

@G Money - Sounds..AWESOME!!
Does this song have it's own little choreographed dance too? Because normally I would hate the living shit out of it, but considering it's you, I'm sure it's quite good...and if it incorporates "jazz hands"...I'm all over it.

UtterlyDistasteful said...

When I play my Roland AX-1 (keytar), the sound that spews forth, as a young calf spews from the womb, is just... let me put it this way, when I hit E minor women get pregnant.

Static said...

@UtterD - Mozart seemed to have the same effect on cows. Just imagine the wave of destruction he'd had left behind if he had a KEYTAR?!
Anyway..gotta go milk the cows now.

Snarky Basterd said...

Bob Dylan play's music? Huh. I thought he was just a spokesman for the Salvation Army used clothing store.

Static said...

@ ADHD Snarky B - Yes. Dylan not only plays music, he INVENTED IT!!

That's right, folks. Long before fire was discovered, Bob Dylan rose up from a puddle of primordial ooze, emanating his trademark unabashedly horrific caterwauling.

Every bleat, and roar was such a shock to the universe that if anyone were there to hear it, they would be beside themselves with wonder. And thus music was born.

Shortly thereafter, he picked up a piece of wood, snatched the whiskers off of a sabre-toothed tiger and created the first guitar! 8D --> I KNOW!! And the rest is history.

Also, after aeons of time, the fact so many buskers play Dylan’s songs and sing better than he does, doesn't mean that Dylan sucks...much.

Static said...

Eagh! Spam is out of control..had to reactivate captcha verification for all comments. Sorry guys, but that's the way it has to be for awhile.

Static said...

Woah, Mr. Dylan! Calm down. Take it easy, buddy. It was only a joke. A man your age has to be careful, you could have a heart attack. What would your fans do then?

Skrib (aka MEaster Bunny) said...

Dylan can't find his glasses and doesn't remember what he did with the car keys.

Bob Dylan said...

Hey man, a mistake is to commit a misunderstanding. Don't misunderstand me, I play the keytar very badly.
Like I've said before, a poem is a naked person... Some people say that I am a poet...because I write songs naked..like right now.

Hey man, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. All I can do is be me, whoever that is.

Yawn Hammer said...

I rule.

MC Hammer said...


Static said...

So it IS true! Bob Dylan Admits He Sold His Soul to the Devil on 60 Minutes

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