Ask Static: Exploding Elephant

Q: Dear Static,

I live in an apartment. I own an elephant (Ellie). Every time I feed her, she explodes! I spend the rest of my day cleaning and scraping her off my walls!! The next day she's back again and the same problem keeps occurring (??!!!). PLEASE HELP!!!!!!



A: Dear Douchebag McFucktard,

First, calm the f--k down. This happens to everyone at least once in their lifetime.

Second, elephants will work for peanuts. I'm sure you have already figured this out.

Third, just because elephants will work for peanuts--doesn't mean you should pay them in peanuts. Only a cheapskate or a total moronasaurus with elephantitis of the balls wakes up one morning and decides on some whim to get themselves an elephant..and then would dare to EVER ask this question...after the fact. Who the hell died and made you the pachyderm expert anyway?

Furthermore, I gather from your jumbled, blathering question that you are no expert or elephant trainer. As a matter of fact, I'd say you aren't equipped to handle the responsibility of an elephant at all. I suggest you stop consuming alcohol on a regular basis...and really, abstaining from hallucinogenic drugs might do you some good as well. Yes, shit-flinging ass goblin, that means stop smoking the banana peels too.

Lastly, FYI: Peanuts and their oil are one of the main ingredients in nitroglycerin (aka dynamite). This is just one more reason to be wary of elephants. So STOP feeding it peanuts. Unless this is all you can afford to feed it, then just warn the neighbors...and lest you forget, you might also be on the FBI's Most Wanted List. Does "terrorism" ring any bells?

Coincidentally, the elephant is the only mammal that can't jump...unless it explodes. Happy demolitions!

p.s. Elephantitis, I know who you are (link).


Gorilla Bananas said...

Hey, peanuts are nutritious and good for the health. Old Melonhead lived to the age of 127 on a diet of peanuts and melons. Elephants, on the other hand, are big fat fuckers who don't look where they're going. If they want to explode just let them.

Qelqoth said...

For comedy value, you just can't beat spontaneous combustion among large indigenous mammals.

Unknown said...

I want to have sex with an exploding elephant. What I want to happen is that when I 'explode,' the elephant will explode at the same time. THAT WILL BE TOTALLY AWESOME! THE POWER, THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF MY SEMEN!!!

Qelqoth said...

When the elephant explodes, there's every possibility that a shard of elephant tusk will skewer your skull in its wake, causing you to convulse, haemorrhage and die. So Julio; exercise caution when fucking exploding elephants.

Jihad Jihadi Jihadists said...

Yes!! Exploding elephants! This is how we will continue our war with the West!

Alois Schieklgrüber said...

Normally I'd pass on exploding elephants. But even for me, the temptation is too great. For instance, when I was climbing inside Penelope and that live artillery shell went off I was sure I was a goner. But I only lost a testicle and that's something I can live with, or in this case without.

Kelly said...

I agreez with Julio. Sex with elephant is best choice. When elephant explodes with awesome jisms, the elephant food parts created will supply hungry third world children with much needed nutritions.

all will rejoice. belleez will be filled. god will smile and cut the cheezes. said... this isn't a analogy of a 300 pound fat chic that you bought home and wanted to be feed before sex. Exploding elephants sounds very Freudian to me

Static said...

@ Gorillaz - Old Melonhead sounds like he didn't have much variety or adventure in his life..based on his diet. Peanuts and melons? Seriously?? I'd rather eat things on occasion that are "bad" for me and live considerably less than 127 years. Life is hell enough, I want to enjoy it - why would anyone want to prolong it with a shitty selection of foods to chose from?

Static said...

@ Qelqoth - ["For comedy value, you just can't beat spontaneous combustion among large indigenous mammals."]

...and also:
*murder (shooting mimes)
*somebody's false teeth abruptly falling out
*infomercial mishaps
*police brutality
*divine revelation and religious fanaticism
*governmental regulation
*surprise buttsecks
*captive animal attacks
*a diet consisting entirely of peanuts and melons

Static said...

@ Julio - When they say that the novelty of promiscuous sex encounters ends quickly, they weren't kidding. Qelqoth was also right. Use extreme caution when fucking exploding elephants.

Static said...

@ Jihad Jihadi Jihadists - Good luck with that. It's not everyday that elephants go free in the city. The crackpot that wrote the letter (Elephantitis) in this article is an exception to the rule. However, I don't think they really kept an elephant in their apartment at all. Perhaps the Ground Hog Day -like aspect of it's exploding everyday was a clue that Elephantitis is nuts.

p.s. I'm going to kill you with exploding falafels.

Static said...

@ Kelly - Oddly enough..I see your point. But that doesn't explain how hungry citizens would know the difference between elephant and man-freak parts. What's safe for consumption in this instance?

Static said...

@ Waltsense - That is a question only "Elephantitis" could answer. Was it a Freudian slip? I don't know. But I do find the nature of your question extremely Freudian. Alois and Julio have several evenings available where the three of you could hang out and discuss such matters/entertain notions of/AND yes, even fuck elephants.

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