Phenomenal Accomplishments of Blood That Make Edward Cullen Cream His Jeans

Blood is not just for splatter movies. Blood is the most commonly tested part of the body, and it is truly the river of life. It is vital to bodily function. The average adult has about five liters of blood living inside of their body, coursing through their vessels, delivering essential elements, and removing harmful wastes. Without blood, the human body would stop working. This may explain why those not getting enough of it to the brain are mouth-breathing zombies. Speaking of's another infographic to explain the phenomenal accomplishments of blood. Quite sure that Eddie is fapping to this on a regular basis.

I find it fascinating that the Japanese consider blood types a means of determining one's personality. Any place that invents the Hay Fever Hat and the Baby Mop surely has many experts on personality traits. This is but one fact that blew my mind. Here's some more:

Medical Assistant Schools for Douchebags - infographic made by Douchebags for Douchebags
[Source: Who cares?]

Some other facts you may have not realized about blood also include:


If there's any advice I can offer about's hard to clean up! Blood stains are near impossible to remove. I wouldn't know this from personal experience, I've simply heard about it on TV shows like CSI Miami and Glee Club. Blood also leaves behind traces of DNA too. Just ask any serial killer. What's that? You say you don't know any? Trust me, you probably do and just don't know it. You know that weird guy that rips the heads off of paper dolls who sits next to you on the bus/subway every day? Yep. He's a serial killer. The creepy uncle who always says inappropriate things at family gatherings, gets drunk and fiddles the neighborhood kids so he has to move every six months? Yep, him too. That eccentric investment banker you've been dating who constantly critiques the work of 1980s music, obsesses about his latest business card design as inferior in quality because it doesn't contain a watermark, and has plastic covers on his furniture? Yep. Total bloodthirsty maniac. So see, you're chances of knowing a serial killer are greater than you think. It's also a distinct possibility you're being stalked by them. Lucky!


Blood banks are fronts for secret government experiments and illegal activities. If you didn't realize this before you donated, then the questionnaire they hand you should have sent up some red flags. An interrogation that requests the following, "Have you ever had hemophilia, menstrual cramps, or severed appendages? Have you ever had unprotected sex with a person or animal from Eastern Gumstump? Have you ever traveled to Milwaukee? Have you ever eaten people? Do you have any problem donating 1.5 gallons of blood today?" are all indications that you are about to be had. Any place that has giant needles, connected by a garden hose to a five-gallon bucket is cause for alarm. There's also a chance that much of that donated blood ends up on the black market and sold on street corners in Kuala Lampur. Here's a tip: Next time you do some international flying, don't bring along extra blood. And definitely don't bring it along in large, duct-taped plastic bags. If you have been duped into donating at a blood bank, just do yourself a favor..while they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang. Faint. Tell them you saw the bag twitch. Anything to create a diversion..and get the hell out of there!


High blood pressure. It's not caused by an unhealthy diet or by stress alone. It develops from dealing with your family. Usually in-laws. To reduce your blood pressure you can try exercising, such as aerobics. Bending, twisting, gyrating, jumping up and down, and perspiring for 30 mins while beating the in-laws with everyday household items is always a great way to relieve stress and get exercise! Just be careful how much you do it. You don't want to overdo it and ruin a perfectly good carpet (see #1). Whoever said blood is thicker than water didn't have alcoholics in their family. By the way, the saying that only ninjas make the best in-laws is because when they say "you'll never even know we're here," well, you can really believe them. They also know how to use sharp pointy things and stick them where you don't like them. Ninjas suck.


PETA crowd control. PETA animal-rights activists have been known to throw red paint (to represent blood) on celebrities who wear animal furs. If you are part of anti-PETA crowd control, consider fighting back with REAL blood. Simply spray blood on activists and watch the agony on their faces as they realize it really is blood. They'll either run away in disgust or proceed to vomit as their worst fear has been unleashed upon them in the usual pretentious inner turmoil manner, especially if and when they realize the blood belongs to fellow PETA members (see #1 - knowing maniacal serial killers comes in handy sometimes). As a side note, blood also makes a great deck stain. Hate repainting your deck every year? Blood is the perfect deck stain - it lasts much longer, won't chip and comes in a nice brick-red color. Apply blood with a paintbrush or roller and spread it with the grain for best results. Ed Gein swore by this!


Table salt replacement. You are about to cook a fabulous meal, but you are out of the key ingredient: salt! Just mix in a little blood and you'll get the necessary level of sodium to make your meal a success! Works especially well in dishes that are darker or naturally reddish, such as soups, sauces, steak (you messed up and over-cooked the steak again even though you promised not to let it happen? You can cover up this mistake by soaking it in blood. The steak will be bloody and no one will question you for over-cooking it), AND this also includes undercooked chicken. You can't go without saying that 9 out of 10 vampires say that blood tastes just like chicken. So have a salmonella-y good time! And as an added bonus, let's say you brought white wine when you were supposed to bring red. It's no big deal to you, but you know the wine connoisseurs are going to tear you apart. A few drops of blood go a long way in turning white wine into red. Sure it will taste funny, but if yours is the third bottle to be uncorked, no one will notice the difference...unless they're a vampire or a cannibal. Bon appetite!

In summary, if you want blood, you got it. There's blood on the streets. Blood on the rocks. Blood in the gutter. Every last drop. You want blood, you got it. Well, this was certainly more educational and fun than watching the Count sing his favorite song. Until next time, my little Cursmudgeons. One, two, three, four. Four little Cursmudgeons, muhahahahahahaha!


Static said...

@ Banilla Gonanas: Leeches are vile creatures like slugs and Rush Limbaugh..not to be mentioned unless you are talking about something so entirely revolting that you need a comparison (as if there was for any of the aforementioned).

The Blood Beast Terror? Never heard of it. Is it any good? I suspect it isn't, since television or cinematic entertainment in the Congo is pretty shitty I'd imagine.

Kelly said...

Being an ex-serial killer, I found that the biggest hassle was that blood is so darn sticky. There was never enough handi-wipes to get all that red stuff off between my fingers before eating my chili cheese fries. Sure, I could have worn gloves. But my hands tend to get real sweaty when I wear them and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

And when you stab some loser in the chest, it's like popping open a friggin' piñata. Blood goes everywhere, man. Just not worth the time and trouble and dry cleaning is so expensive these days.

In a nutshell, your facts about blood gave me much to ponder. Thanks for the informative post. God bless you.

Static said...

@7masterheathen FYI: try using Polyisoprene or Neoprene Surgical Gloves as opposed to rubber latex gloves in the future. They seem to "breathe " a bit better than conventional ones. =)

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