This is Halloween

I don't know what your plans are for Halloween this year. But I plan on dressing up just like I normally do for everyday life. And if that doesn't scare this shit out of you, then dressing up as something called a "Hannah Montana", a.k.a. "The Miley Cyrus Monster" (a monster unequaled in scariness - see infographic on FEAR below) is pretty damn scary if you ask me. But you didn't ask me, however, I'ma let you know anyway...because I care.

Other Halloween costume ideas this year include finding shit lying around your house to wear, like a wig, black tank top and the red bandana made famous by 24-year-old Antoine Dodson who became a YouTube viral sensation after he chased a would-be rapist out of his home. If you feel like spending the money for those things that you probably already have, then "The Bed Intruder", a.k.a. "The Antoine Dodson Costume", is dollars to doughnuts the best Halloween gag costume I've seen so far.

A similar costume was produced earlier this season called the "Bedroom Superhero Costume Kit", which was the latest, and unauthorized, attempt to capitalize on Dodson’s fame. Vying for profits should have landed the makers in court over a, the "Law Suit" is not a Halloween costume, yet. Doubtful that this will ever go to court, it's also doubtful that if you chose this costume that you will be showing any originality as there will probably be twenty other dudes wearing the same thing.

Since we're on the topics of lawsuits and Halloween, I'm surprised the inventors of Halloween haven't sued for copyright/trademark infringement over their holiday. I mean, witches/pagans/neopagans/ghosts/vampires/werewolves/other scary monsters would probably win millions, really. Here's documentation that proves my point.

Facts About Halloween are for Douchebags
[Via: The Douchebag Infographics Team]

As a kid after Trick-or-Treating I was always excited to see if I could find candy that had been tampered with. That way I could be the one to turn them in to the police. But I sadly never had the chance. Mostly because it was urban myth.

In reality, the idea of tainted candy from a stranger may have started with a 1964 incident involving a New York homemaker named Helen Pfeil. Irritated at the idea of handing out free candy to older kids, Pfeil gave out packages of steel wool pads, dog biscuits and poison ant buttons. Although she made it clear that her "goodies" were inedible, Pfeil was charged with endangering children. And so subsequent generations of people believe the urban myth. So we should sue them..or maybe we should sue the makers of this infographic...or maybe we should sue...someone.

OHHHH, I'm sooo confused now!

With all the monsters, ghouls, and creepies it goes without saying that Halloween for some is a scary experience. They don't know how to cope with the fear of being confronted with children dressed like monsters, banging on their doors on Halloween night, demanding sugary confections.

Poor saps are probably afraid of the dark, and afraid of their own shadows. If they only knew that the only thing they had to fear was fear itself, then maybe they wouldn't have to change their shorts every single time the doorbell rings on Halloween night. I think a load in someone's pants is almost as scary as the Miley Cyrus monster. For those of you that are phobic, here are some tips about fear that might help you recognize and manage your psychological distress.

Are You Afraid Of The Dark Douchebags?
[Via: Another Douchebag Infographic Team]

And now I have some preparing to do. I'm off to get an early start on Trick-or-Treating. I'm sure my neighbors will love me banging on their door at three o'clock this morning exclaiming, "Hey! It's officially Halloween. Gimme some damn candy, bitches!" Of course, I'll be wearing my Bed Intruder costume and distributing my own brand of psychological distress, people will think I'm either trying to rob them or rape them and they'll call the police. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cuz they're rapin errbody out here.

Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!


Kelly said...

Wow... That's a lot of info on Halloween and costumes to take in, dude. I agree with you on the suing thing. It seems everyone is suing everybody for anything- no matter how trivial or petty. I checked out the Antoine Dodson video and website. Pretty funny. I've never heard of him until you wrote about him in this post. The Hannah Montana site is perfect for silly girls and old pervs sitting in their parent's basements, surfing the net.

Freaky stuff, man.

Well... Happy Halloween to ya, Static! Hope you do something groovy. Hee ho.

Static said...

@7masterheathen I totally plan on doing something outrageous and overdone this Halloween. Maybe I'll put on a meat dress and go play with the tigers at the zoo.

Kelly said...

Let know when you're going so I bring my camera and put the spectacle on YouBoob. Lady Gag Gag would be jealous.

Plus... It would be better than swell, for sure.

Static said...

@7masterheathen That's a great idea. What fun would it be if I didn't share that moment with other people? See you at the zoo - 7 o'clock sharp!

Kelly said...

I'll be there! I'll be easy to spot. I'll be wearing the hippest most grandest Hannah Montana outfit you have ever seen.

Maybe we'll be the next internet sensation. I'm excited.

Static said...

@7masterheathen Awesome! I'm lookin' forward to it. We'll make quite the pair. Anyone else coming or want to go? We can't have a real party with just two people and an ambush of tigers.

Stela James said...

Thanks For The Post.home business

Static said...

@ Stela James (stands outside your window, wearing a white t-shirt, shouting, a la Marlon Brando) Stelllaaaaaah!!! You stood us up! I had to fend off the tigers with Kelly's dismembered arm - I think after they devoured his left buttcheek he was able to get away - but the next time you say you're up for being the bait, I'm not gonna hold my breath!

Static said...

@7masterheathen If you're
still ALIVE..thanks for takin' one for the, Dynamic DUO. As compensation for your limb and cheek, our vid will soon be a viral sensation on the YouTube..your fierce screams..I mean..your COURAGEOUS battle will be remembered for many....hours to come.

Kelly said...

Well, I say a hearty hooray for our valiant win in battle and I'm glad I was able to sacrifice my left buttcheek for such a worthy cause. Brave warriors, we were! And yes, I'm still ALIVE! In our next upcoming battle with zoo animals, I say we don't wait for that International Internet Sensation, Stela James, to volunteer in our most worthy cause. I say we throw the dumb spamming bitch to the lions, tigers and bears (oh my) to be torn apart while we cheerfully eat our cheeseburgers on the sidelines.

What say you, Sir Static?

Always the thoughtful gentleman,

Kelly (aka MasterHeathen)

Static said...

@7masterheathen That sounds like a captivating combination of events that is most lol-worthy...I'll invite Stela over for tea right now!

So how's life without a left buttcheek...still limping? Sorry, didn't mean to make you the butt of a joke.

Mercy me, so much to do in a day. I better get off my ass and work my booty off now or I'll never find my bum with both hands in broad daylight. But you wouldn't have that problem any more, so I won't trouble you with my trivial complaints. Toodles!

Julio said...

I thought it was a very interesting post. On a side-note, the best Hollowe'en costume EVER: Hitler's Ghost!

Static said...

@projectjulio That was quite the lengthy link there...ever heard of bitly? Any way, I think Google fucked up when they gave you that link for your image search of "Hitler's ghost". It should have been this: OR this:

I took a dump once and it looked just like Hitler. It was a big Nazi turd. If it had looked like Jesus, I'd have made a few phone calls and people would have built a goddamn shrine. But this was an uninspiring worthless log, so I flushed it.

p.s. and Missouri pneumatic Bob Dole ass blast from Grandma's funky butt.

Greg said...

I'd have to say one of the greatest phobias of mine is being recognized in my Hannah Montana costume..

I fear that the hair on my legs, shoulders, back arms, face and buttocks will stand up during the fear inspiring trick or treat sessions and i will be discovered.

I also fear having my left buttocks removed...

interesting posts..

Static said...

@ Greg I think my biggest fear is HIPPOPOTOMONSTROSESQUIPEDALOPHOBIA - Fear of long words. The ironic part about it is that it's also the longest word in the English dictionary. This of course if followed by my Panophobia - The fear of everything. Which is also ironic considering that this is probably the longest amount of time someone has been scared witless in the history of humanity. Just look at MY FACE!

Phobias are nothing to mess around with. They cause panic attacks and those suck...but they do come in handy in life or death situations when you need a rush of adrenaline to make a hasty escape. Unless you're being electrocuted...then your muscles tense up, you can't move and get away.

I also have a fear of people with two left buttocks...or three buttocks...or four for that matter. Let me just get to the point: any abnormal number of buttocks give me the heebies. Persons with only one buttock freak me out. Four would send me over the edge. OK? BUTTOCKOPHOBIA!

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