TSA - It's Better If You Just Cooperate

The TSA would like to take a moment to put holiday traveler's concerns at ease about being forced to choose between allowing a TSA agent to see them naked, or to have their genitals touched and squeezed as part of what the TSA terms "enhanced pat-downs." Remember, the TSA considers your safety and the images produced by Advanced Imaging Technology to be "family friendly."

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You might be interested to learn why the TSA "went wild" in the first place
(it had nothing to do with Joe Francis...officially.)

TSA Gone Wild like a bunch of Infographic designing Douchebags
Via: A Really Major Douchebag Infographic Team

Knowing the TSA's heavy-handed response to any videos exposing their shortcomings...here's a TSA Christmas Carol video by a certain pilot who wants to help us understand the screening process; but now that I've published it, that means that I'll have to seek asylum in Canada. "Um, it's nice here, eh?" | "Bonjour, baise-moué l'ail!" Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

TSA video courtesy of: Heavy.com


Gorilla Bananas said...

You've got to use reverse psychology on these guys. Wink and pout at them so they think you want to be groped. As a second line of defence, charge up your dick with static electricity. You must have plenty of that.

Static said...

@ Gorilla Bananas: Yes, but how does someone charge it up with static electricity that would be significantly noticeable, then make it all the way to the airport AND retain that electrical current? I've heard about wearing wool bodysocks and rubbing it off on the carpet, which only works temporarily--long enough to get one small zap out of it and maybe light up a room briefly. Hardly enough to make an impact really.

There's also mention of sticking it into a light socket or electrical outlet, or perhaps holding a golf club above your head during a thunderstorm and getting struck by lightning. But there aren't too many electrocution/lightning strike survivor stories out there. A bit risky if you ask me.

Then there's also the desert experiment, which is a pair of jumper cables hooked to a car battery and the other end to their nipples while they whack it with a balloon inflated with helium...but the charge either dissipates as soon as they get so thirsty (since it's the desert) they have to drink water, OR they go all Hindenburg and explode! Oh, the humanity!!

Static said...

@ Gorilla Bananas: Also hairy hands would seem to do the trick...ANYWAY, you sound like you have personal experience in the matter Mr. Bananas, so please share your secrets with our readers.

(I'll tell you I got all charged up and exploded when I saw Black Swan the other night, the particular scenes where Natalie Portman masturbates and gets it on with Mila Kunis sharing some hot girl-on-girl action..wow! I know I wouldn't mind a pat down from them...or..YOU, what are you doing tonight? Got any balloons/jumper cables/wool bodysocks/hairy ape hands? I think we found our answer folks.)

Lori Gomez said...

Very comprehensive overview.

I must say that I travel quite a bit & have had nothing of the sort happen to me, damnit!

What am I?
Chopped bananas?

Honestly, though, these poor schmoes have one of the CRAPPIEST jobs in existence, not quite as bad as wiping President Obama's ass, but pretty damn shitty all the same.

I'd go postal if I had to do their job.

You should see the flying monkeys that try to board airplanes these days.
Seriously, I'd rather travel by the Wizard's balloon or even broomstick... my fellow passengers would then be far more amenable .


Static said...

@LoriGVW Oh, I don't know if it's that you might be chopped bananas at all. I think that it's more about your being intelligent and female which scares them WITLESS. And if you're attractive to boot this only escalates their fear.

Systematic hierarchical base-thinkers often startle or fluster easily. However this can work to your advantage if handled prudently and/or diplomatically. As they say, "One catches more flies with honey..." or was that horseshit? Anyway..whatever the case may be, happy traveling!

Static said...

Also it takes a certain personality type to want to do that job. Egomaniacal mall cops with that much authority do not make good candidates for example, and neither do perverts: "Beat down checkpoint two--sexy time checkpoint six!!"

Lori Gomez said...


Static, you wild thing!
You make my heart sing!
"Beat down checkpoint two--sexy time checkpoint six!!"

You oughta put that to a beat box or something.

Clean up on aisle four!


Lori Gomez said...

And YES... honey works 9 times out of ten...

Other than that I recommend an Uzi, but it may not pass through the medal detector... ;P

Static said...

I should make a beat with that. That's a great idea.

And I think an Uzi and bullets made with potatoes would make it past security.

Static said...

I shall test that theory and post the results on YouTube.

Kelly said...

Funny post about the TSA's new pat down and scanning procedure. The video was a good sing along, too. When I came back from our week long cruise and went through several security checkpoints at the Orlando Airport, they pulled us to the side because they saw something "suspicious" in our bag. I was hoping they WOULDN'T be cool with the spiked dildo so the pretty brunette TSA agent would grope my schlong but it didn't work out that way. Even though I demanded that she cavity search the heck out of my hiney hole, she refused. I guess it was because she could smell the fresh turd in my pants. I don't know. Crazy chicks, nowadays...

So I cried and stamped my feet on the floor, whined for a bit and gritted my teeth. But nothing seemed to work.

When they pulled out a simple bottle of tanning lotion, they said we couldn't take it and threw it away. Shortly thereafter, we were allowed to pass through and board the plane.

Frankly, I don't think the TSA is being thorough enough and I demand satisfaction.

Static said...

@7masterheathen Kelly, I think that the next time you go to the airport you should show up naked.

Kelly said...

Oh, I don't want to appear easy. Besides, I'm too modest.

Kelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Static said...

@7masterheathen "Oh, I don't want to appear easy. Besides, I'm too modest." BWAHAHAHAHA!!! You funny muddaphukka, you!

Unknown said...

Nice info-graphic, where the thumb is asterisk-ing up america's asshole. I'm still choking on cocaine, as the laughter began in the middle of one of my many Scarface-esque cocaine binges.

Mental note: do NOT sneeze on the GIANT PILE OF COCAINE! Ever!

Static said...

@ Julio: Point taken! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaQHKQbXal0

TSA said...

It's not our fault that passengers want to be sexually assaulted.

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