Wildest God of Metal Behind Bars of Metal, Coincidence?

Sat. March 12, 2011

Salisbury Steak Dinner, UK (Krapsody) - Paul Di'Anno, ex-heavy metal singer for the band Iron Maiden, in a twist of fate has been jailed for fraud. Di'Anno had been illegally collecting income support, housing benefit and council tax handouts between 2002 and 2008 while he toured and lived abroad. Di'Anno's autobiography, The Beast, refers to him as the "wildest man in rock". Critics may now call him the "most wanted man in rock".

Oh, dear. A sad day indeed. Welcome to the "Twilight Zone". It doesn't appear that this will be a case of "Innocent Exile", nor "Sanctuary" for Mr. Di'Anno (this news comes during "The Ides of March" coincidentally).

Paul D., a self-Maiden man, was just "Running Free" like the doomed "Prodigal Son" who appears a bit more like "The Phantom of the Opera"; a "Wrathchild" and "Genghis Khan" wrapped up together in "Another Life". Those dastardly, but oft romanticized "Killers".

In a "Strange World" full of consequences that would even make "Charlotte the Harlot" blush, this "Iron Maiden" is going to Alcatraz and not to "Transylvania".

Di'Anno, "the most wanted wildest man of rock", was considered as Charlie Sheen's replacement on the television comedy series "Two and a Half Men". But since his arrest, CBS representatives say the series will be held up with further delays.

Sheen reportedly approved of CBS' choice to go with the former Maiden frontman, calling Di'Anno "a God of Metal. A rock star from Mars. A true Vatican assassin with poetry shooting out of his warlock dick. Sell that on eBay, fools."

Di'Anno and Sheen had been spotted by paparazzi visiting several stripclubs and crack houses together up until Di'Anno's arrest on Friday.

"It was either Paul, or Dio," Sheen was quoted as saying. "But Dio is dead, because he wasn't a real warlock with tiger's blood coursing through his veins...the big pussy."

Sheen mused, "Well..I suppose standing not much taller than a measly troll at two-and-a-half feet tall, Ronnie James Dio was more of a little pussy."

Di'Anno is expected to serve half of the nine-month sentence, will be released on conditional bail, and shall owe restitution payments to the Department of Work and Pensions. A public flogging is also in the works. It seems that he is to be made an example of.

Di'Anno's unforgettable presence on the best Maiden albums preceding "Number of the Beast" and "Piece of Mind"--fronted from then on by the ubiquitous pilot at the helm of all that is Metal, Mr. Bruce Dickinson--Mr. Di'Anno seems doomed to roam the earth in "Purgatory" as a lonely "Drifter".

Maybe Di'Anno is also guilty of the "Murders in the Rue Morgue"?

What say Edgar Allan?

"...'Remember Tomorrow', dear 'Prowler', 'Remember Tomorrow'."


Gorilla Bananas said...

Charlie was a fool to tarnish his reputation by associating with such a rogue.

Static said...

@ Gorilla Assassin: You think so? Gosh, I though it was another brilliant move on his part to stay relevant!

Kelly said...

Funny story, dude. I like how you infused the names of some of their songs in the article. Yeah, maybe Sheen should get together with Di'Anno. He seems to be getting off on the publicity he's been getting. I read Sheen is going to do theatre, in the near future, featuring his "colorful" ranting. His insanity (or brilliance, if you choose to look at it that way) is sort of paying off.

So you like Iron Maiden, too, eh? I thought you mainly listened to Alternative. Back in the ol' days, I listened to Iron Maiden quite a bit.

Ugh, now my head is full of memories of high school parties. Well, what memories that are clear, anyway.

Static said...

@7masterheathen Thx I'm just surprised you didn't catch my allusion to Bruce Dickinson being an airline pilot or my reference to Edgar Allan Poe.

As far as my musical tastes go, I listen to a little bit of everything. When you have an appreciation for any kind of good music, how can you not appreciate Iron Maiden? They were so talented, progressive and melodic for a metal band of that era. Plus they weren't the typical pretty boy, big hair, makeup, spandex pants wearing glam-rockers that were so common in the 80's. They were rather unpretty, and caveman appearing. I think the NWOBHM era produced some of the best acts, including Motorhead and Judas Priest.

But nowadays I mostly like the sound of silence. And if it takes a gun shot to achieve said silence, then so be it. Die With Your Boots On! (an additional video reference that you didn't seem to catch before in this post *shock!)

Rafael Clarkstein said...

In former Soviet Russia, Iron Maiden was huge. I play balalaika for many years and started Iron Maiden cover band with four other friends: There was Alexei on the gudoks, Vladislav on the lira, Dmitry on the dudka, and Nikolai could play the buben, treshchotka, plastic buckets, and metal garbage cans for drum set. We were big hit in Kazakhstan. We party all the time and get laid by lots of hot womens every night. Those were days. 666 the number of the beast! Na starovia!

Anonymous said...

Up the Irons and up urs too!

Julio said...

This article is...WINNING!

Paul Di'Anno said...

Up the Irons and up urs too ya fookin cunt!

Charlie Sheen said...

My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option. (hashtag)FASTBALL! Trolls need not apply. CURVEBALL! the global inferno that is me, is now as molten and focused as my afterburners. Dogspeed cadres! You corporate Trolls were warned. And now you've been served! I have squeezed out the perfect torpedo! The Warlock is hungry. (hastag)tigerblood

WTF AM I TALKING ABOUT? That right...my mad genius! (hastag)WINNING!

Unknown said...

I'm a very big Maiden fan! But having been born in the Dickinson-era, I do not know much about Di'Anno. Maybe I should check some of that old stuff out.
Up the Irons!! \m/

Static said...

@ Abhilash Yes, you should check out Maiden's earlier stuff, maybe you'd like it. I'd do it quickly before Di'Anno says 'up yours'.

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