Cogito, Ergo Confundo - I Think, Therefore I am Confused

Krapsody Investigative Report

krapsody reporter dubious monkwith Reporter Dubious Monk
Inside Tropical Storm Irene

NEWSFLASH! Everything in New England shut down as Irene was downgraded from a hurricane to a tropical storm. As the storm was overhead, I scurried down to the hurricane barriers in Providence, RI to catch the action but there was none to be found.

I consulted with several local meteorologists and discovered the storm had moved further inland. So I promptly scurried over to some swamp Yankee's house within the eye of the storm for some fried wandis and iced coffee.

I filmed the battering winds of the ferocious tempest as shown in the following clip:

tropical storms is serius bisnis

Let me just say it was pretty uneventful, dear Krapsody readers. I expected to find boats crashing into buildings, houses getting blown over, falling trees, or something along those lines. But not much of anything happened really apart from some isolated power outages and the occasional toupee getting caught in the wind. As I sat there wondering what to do for a story my mind drifted as it usually does.

Most of you will be familiar with the archetypal nightmare involving your unexpected nudity in a public place: you're nervous about an impending big day at work or an important exam and the night before you dream that you have somehow managed to forget your clothes. For a toupee-wearer that nightmare might be superseded by another one - turning up somewhere without your toupee.

That's when I realized that I was no longer wearing my hairpiece. It must have blown off in my hurry to get the details of this story. I might add that I also felt completely naked without it.

Just for the record, Irene's 70-80 mph winds are nothing when compared to Katrina's 120-125 mph winds. And this time I lost my goddamn toupee so I don't want to hear any more whining.

That will be all.

*End of Transmission

Krapsody apologizes for the previous garbage you have just read. Realizing the only thing that can make up for this dreadful excuse for a story is a video clip of Christopher Walken reading a fairy tale from a children's book. And nothing could be more appropriate and softens the blow of a hurricane or bad reporting like Christopher Walken reading The Three Little Pigs.

It should be noted that Christopher Walken may or may not wear a toupee.


LilPixi said...

Dude, crashing boats into buildings is my favorite hobby.

I actually saw someone lose a toupee last week. They got out of the car & it came off & got stuck in the top of the doorway.

And thank you for that Walken. Sometimes everybody needs a lil Walken to brighten up their day.

Static said...

@ALollipopWorld: Have you ever set fire to a toupee on a mannequin and jumped out of the boat before the moment of impact into Walken's house? I didn't think so.

Teh Evil Penguin said...

You've got it all wrong Static, you wrote this in the wrong tone. Do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.

SRSLY though, this hurricane disappointed me. I wanted to see NYC flood and get absolutely cornholed. Instead, I see videos of shady bridges in VT being washed away and kids wakeboarding in flooded ditches being pulled by cars at 10 mph.

But, Walken makes up it all.

Static said...

@TehEvilPenguin: "Blame me you will not. Dubious Monk's fault it all is. Mmm! Let polar bear rape you again next time I will." - Yoda

Gorilla Bananas said...

We gorillas call it "good farting weather". You should have eaten a tin of beans and worn a bucket over your head. You haven't lived until you've farted into a stiff wind.

LilPixi said...

Shit, dude, now I have big (HUGE) goals to set. You haven't lived until you've done that.

Static said...

@ALollipopWorld: That's just an ordinary day for me. Krapsody secret agent 006 1/2...Jones. Static Jones. Shaken, not stirred.

Static said...

@ GB You haven't lived until you've flung poop at a weather forecaster's face.

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