Middle-Aged Loser Laments Over Toe Story

smashed toe story Kickapoo, IL – In this tale a cowboy toe is profoundly threatened and jealous when a fancy spaceman toe supplants him as top toe in an ordinary living room redecorating moment. 1) Cowboy toe pulls strings. 2) Heavy wooden door falls from sky flattening fancy spaceman toe for good. Remember, in this movie no toe gets left behind!

Dawayne Biggins recalls the catastrophe in vivid detail, "This was no ordinary god-smack folks, I done got bitch slapped by the man upstairs. And it went a little bit like this: 'Me: I've been effing 'round with this thing for way too long now, but I'm ALMOST done! God: BOOM! You're done. Me: I think I'll take a break now.'"

"And to think I used to have fun just setting my private parts on fire. With all my self-inflicted crippling injuries you would think I'd be in a body cast by now or somethin'," Dawayne jokes about his bad luck.

So how did this all start? Dawayne like a lot of people has been unemployed since March when the chemical plant shut down, and he has a lot of time on his hands – maybe too much.

"Yeah, so I woke up around noon and was gettin' drunk, and I start lookin' around 'cause I felt bored. And I noticed that we have this old armoire that was falling apart, right. I was workin' on it in the driveway in my flip flops, and while I was adjusting the hinges on the doors, one of 'em fell off right onto my big toe."

"Never in my life do I think that I have EVER felt such excruciating pain," Dawayne continued, "I thought to myself, 'Oh, fercrissakes, ain't that a kick in the head. '"

Dawayne says all he could manage to utter at first was a squeak like a mouse. Neighbors heard what happened and watched as he jumped out of his flesh.

"Folks was sayin' they heard a loud thump and looked over at me. I'm pretty sure that my brain and spinal cord shot straight out the top of my skull right into outer space at that moment," Dawayne recants, "It must have been quite the sight."

Dawayne claims he watched from above during his surreal out of body experience. "My body collapsed on the pavement like an empty husk, and I watched for what seemed like a fifteen minute spasmodic episode as my carcass wrenched and contorted in ways I wouldn't have ever thought possible for the human body!"

After writhing around on the ground like an old woman with a broken hip, he finally screamed so loud that windows shattered up to a mile away from his home. "I think I'm gonna get LifeCall just for moments like this. 'Help! I've fallen and I can't git up!'"

Dawayne continues to ramble incessantly, "I knew it was bad since my battered big toe turned black and blue before my very eyes. To make matters worse a little blood dribbled out the corner of my toenail. I think I might need a...Oh, whaddya call it, one of them blood transfusions?!"

He goes on to elaborate how his ill-fated miserable toe was "a throbbin' and a growin' and a growin' and a throbbin'" along with his rising pulse, bearing a strong resemblance to when a cartoon character smashes their thumb with a hammer, but no one is listening at this point and begins to walk away.

Dawayne continues to blabber, "My GOD, thank goodness I felt that or it could have been really serious. It's only fun until someone smashes a toe, I tells ya! I'm hobbling around the house with a balloon for a toe now. Goddammit. Pretty sure the nail is gonna fall off in a couple weeks. YEAH! I can't wait to smash the other nine, man!"

"It doesn't get any better than this! I'm not one to drop hints, but could someone call 911 for me now? Hello?"


Steve Bailey said...

Doesnt everyone have Lifecall? Either way... very nice if somewhat overly graphic story..... only thing that could have made it better would have been maybe a cameltoe reference?

Static said...

@ Steve: Sorry if our latest news hot off the press bored you. Next time I'll be sure to include more references to ninja feet, mooseknuckles, and Geritol.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I hope they amputated that toe. It would ruin his sex life, but you can't worry about sex when you're trying to save a patient's life.

Static said...

@ Gorilla B: Funny you mention that. After this story was published Dawayne had a horrible accident while he was riding his electric wheelchair down the freeway. He's now the first ever below the neck amputee. Thank god this Darwin Award will never procreate.

Dawayne Biggins said...

Technically I was decapitated. But why bother splitting hairs.

Static said...

@ Dawayne Biggins: You're pretty witty for someone who just lost their head.

Julio Iglesias said...

We don't take kindly to Dawayne Biggins and his kind. Them gerrdamn below the neck amputees took our jerbs!

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