Raptor Santa Nearly Ruins Christmas

Sun. Jan. 01, 2012

Minneapolis, MN. (Krapsody) - The seasonal experience of children sitting on Santa's lap and reading him their wishlist is a time-honored tradition, and a delight for young and old. But some things that we experience in our youth will be cherished forever, and some things will never be the same again after experiencing them.

On Saturday December 24 at a Macy's "Santa Workshop" in a Minneapolis mall, shoppers and employees got more than what they bargained for when a curious girl sitting on Santa's lap gave his beard a tug to test it's authenticity. But Santa's beard gave way revealing the scaly-faced reptilian grimace of none other than Raptor Santa - shocking everyone.

Raptor Santa
Chaos, panic, disorder. Raptor Santa's job here is done.

According to eyewitnesses, after his true identity was revealed, Raptor Santa leapt up from his throne and gutted three elves with one swipe of his talon. He then proceeded to terrorize everyone in Santa's Workshop.

During Raptor Santa's rampage he killed dozens and maimed twice as many. It is too early for authorities to have an accurate casualty count, but they expect their investigation will be concluded by next Christmas.

"It was shocking," said one parent, their mangled limb still spraying blood into the air.

Another parent with a gaping wound on their neck managed to gurgle, "It was horrible!"

Macy's manager, Moe Lester, commented about the horrifying festivities, "For the first time in Macy's Santaland history we were duped by a predator who misrepresented themselves."

"It is still unclear how Raptor Santa ended up here. We don't know if he killed and ate the real Claus, or how he got through all of our screening and security measures. Our background checks should have revealed more about this employee, so it is our belief at this time that Raptor Santa used trickery and deception to get this close to shoppers and their children."

Lester added, "Generally, if and when the Santa is detected to be fake, the employee explains that he is not the real Santa and is helping him at this time of year. Most young children seem to understand this, as the real Santa is extremely busy around Christmas. But how do you explain this senseless violence to children and their parents?"

As reported at the Daily Rash, NYU psychology professor Dr. Abraham Scarsdale believes that most department store Santas are just a heartbeat away from a complete psychological meltdown, leading many of them to substance abuse as a way to prevent the inevitable.

Dr. Scarsdale spoke briefly with Krapsody about the maladaptive behaviors of department store Santas.

"Most Santas are chronically underemployed, have substance abuse problems and dysfunctional home lives. As your child is sitting upon their lap, they are just a heartbeat away from a complete psychological meltdown. If it wasn't for drugs and alcohol most Santas would be homicidal maniacs."

"On the other hand, Raptor Santa has a reptilian brain, which is responsible for species typical instinctual behaviors involved in aggression, dominance, territoriality, and ritual displays."

Scarsdale sympathetically points out, "In humans it is equally as limited. There are no reasoning skills in the reptilian brain. It controls life functions such as breathing, heart rate and the fight or flight mechanism. So Raptor Santa probably is unaware about substance abuse. His feeble mind could not cope with the stress, and no wonder he snapped."

Lester disagrees. "This was premeditated. I think Raptor Santa was hungry. He's a predator fercrissakes. Predators stalk their prey and then they move in for the kill. That's what they do."

However the chaos and carnage escaped one shopper. An elderly woman, despite having dementia and being nearly blind, attended the event with her grandchildren. "Disneyland is such fun. This was my first time here, y'know. It was fun to see the wonder in the kids’ eyes as they watched the back-and-forth animation of the characters."

"In this day and age, it’s nice to know they can enjoy things even if they lack those high-tech doodads. That story about the Rapper and the onion and all that crying and screaming fascinated them and it certainly entertained me."

At the time of this report it was also noted that the baby Jesus from the mall nativity scene, and a swan in the mall pond were both missing and assumed to have been eaten by Raptor Santa.

Thankfully the horror was brought to an abrupt end by a young boy who had been patiently waiting his turn in line.

"I was next in line to sit on Santa's lap when that girl tore his beard away. I was so disappointed that I didn't get to ask Santa for a Bresser 1200X Microscope Set," Billy said.

Billy continued, "I had been sucking on a candy cane since we got here. It had a pointy tip, and was very sharp, so when Raptor Santa started killing people his willy was flopping around and I just figured I'd stab him right in his peehole with my candy cane."

Billy's heroic efforts stopped Raptor Santa dead in his tracks. Raptor Santa collapsed to the ground long enough for mall security to club him half to death and turn him over to the proper authorities.

When asked what he wanted to be when he grew up Billy looked wistfully into the distance and said, "I thought I wanted to be a biologist, or maybe a paleontologist. But now I think I want to be a urologist."

Good for you, Billy. Good for you.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Can that creature lay eggs? I've always thought Christmas needs more eggs, why should Easter hog 'em all?

Static said...

In an effort to keep the facts as inaccurate as possible: Raptors were neither hatched from eggs or born alive, they clawed their way out of the womb and proceeded to kill everything in their immediate vicinity including their mother. I believe we already celebrate this holiday in the U.S. It's called 'Thanksgiving'.

Static said...

And "Birthdays".

From the Mind of a Madman said...

Wow! I actually think this is the plot of Jurassic Park 4.... the lost Christmas Island....

Raptor Santa said...

I have to admit I get pretty aroused when I'm hunting. I had no idea it would be my downfall. Curse you, Billy! CURSE YOU!!

J. Bear Savo said...

Just wait until the Spring when the Easter Mammoth arrives...

Kelly said...

A brave lad, that Billy, for stabbing Raptor Santa in the peehole. Mighty fine aim for one so young, too. Though, I must admit, I sort of identify with Raptor Santa. He doesn't try to be someone he is isn't. He knows what he wants and is goal oriented. So he killed a few people. He should be exalted as a hero for ending their dull miserable lives. Let the chips fall where they may.

Cheers, Raptor Santa! Let me buy you a brewski!

Iranian penis tattoo said...

Gosh. At least Raptor Santa did not tattoo his penis and get a semi-erect dilemma that won't go away.

Julio said...

This post was utterly unrealistic. If there were in fact a REAL "Raptor Santa," surely the REAL "Human Santa" would have swooped down in his slay and fired two anti-proton missiles into his stupid Raptor face! Granted, a potentially larger death toll would have resulted from such an explosion, but Raptor Santa's reign of terror, much like his raptor brethren, would have become extinct.

I'm not falling for your shenanigans this time, Static!

Static said...

@ From the Mind of a Madman: It's actually part of a sub-plot for a script I'm writing for a raptor snuff film 'Jurassic Ass'.

@ Raptor Santa: As soon as you are on your feet get ready for the spin-off. This is gonna be bigger than ‘Howard the Duck’.

@ J. Bear Savo: Don't forget about 'Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day'. No, really. It's on February 18.

@ Kelly: Billy and Raptor Santa have requested to visit your home next Christmas. Are you ready for some excitement?!

@ Iranian penis tattoo: Have you been eating too much Iranian government cheese again Mahmoud?

@ Julio: I think you've been eating too much Iranian government cheese. Maybe you should get your penis tattooed by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad above.

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