Mayan Death Toad Destroys World Today

Friday December 21, 2012 (Krapsody) — In case you didn't get the memo: The world is coming to an end! Over two thousand bazillion years ago the Mayans predicted a giant death toad was going to appear in the sky, it will eat the sun and rays will shoot out of it's eyes destroying the universe as we know it.

Now I know some people are going to want to lick it, but the Mayan Death Toad won't have it. This is no time for last minute wishes or regrets. Too late. There's no escape. Just ask people in time zones ahead of us, like in China or Australia. But you can't because they're all gone! If you have been told that China and all it's people are still there, you're wrong! The cunning Mayan Death Toad knows how to trick people. It's had over two thousand bazillion years to prepare for this moment!

"But, Static, we've read news about people going about their business in those countries. Nothing happened."

Ha! You've been duped!

"We've seen photos and video footage. China and Australia are still there."

Well, that is quite thought provoking, considering the answer is "airbrushing" and "special effects"!

You believe in Santa Claus, do you not believe that the Mayan Death Toad has not mastered Adobe products? The great Mayan Death Toad knows all, you fools! IT IS CAPABLE OF AND WILL DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! Have you not been paying attention? The Mayan Death Toad is all-knowing all-powerful! You cannot pull the wool over it's eyes!

mayan death toad observing his work

The Mayans were right about one thing. The world is going to end (it already has for the ancient Mayans.)

The fact of the matter is that the sun is slowly dying as I type this sentence. It continues to even as you read this sentence. And wait... THERE'S MORE TO THIS HORRIFIC DEBACLE!

Shh, do you hear that? Yeah that. The sun just burned a little bit more hydrogen and converted it to helium.

Consider this carefully as you finish reading this paragraph. As the sun burns it's supply of hydrogen and produces more and more helium at it's core, it's energetic output will increase. This is bad for us because as it's luminosity increases our planet will experience a greenhouse effect, meaning things will not only be warmer, they'll be wetter as all the water on the planet slowly evaporates, eventually boils off and escapes through a thinning atmosphere into space. Never to return. And we're just helping it along with our giant carbon footprints.

Life as we know it or maybe whatever it evolves into will cease to exist... within a few billion years or so (impossible to predict the exact moment). Terrifying!!

Woe is us! We may not even be here to witness it. Imagine that. Not one single human being living to see our sun become a red giant and die — possibly because of a cataclysmic event in the meantime or perhaps because we've somehow managed to kill ourselves off and our planet by speeding up that greenhouse effect, leading to everyone dying from thirst, starvation, or exposure to extremes in temperature and lack of oxygen.

Gosh, too bad there won't be anybody left to place blame upon or take responsibility for ending human existence. A bitter end to passing the ol' buck. Guess we'll just have to suck it up and do the best we can with what we have to work with...

Or, oh fuck it. The world's gonna end in a few billion years anyway right? Let's just give up trying and continue doing things the same way we always have. Who needs to evolve? There is no future. After all, TIME is a man-made concept. Just like economics, global warming, mental health and dubstep. Right?


Gorilla Bananas said...

Time and space are elastic, like the skin of a giant toad. Stretch the toad enough and you can play on its skin like a drum, so that time will follow your beat.

P.S. Your toad looks like a frog.

Kelly said...

The cunning Mayan Death Toad has tricked us all. We're doomed, I tell ya. No more people, alive and creating unnecessary chaos and attempting make each other's lives a big shit pie of misery. What a shame.

Before this, that Mayan Death Toad spent his entire life in the pursuit of raping the elderly. He even received a medal of valor. But now... Now he's gone too far! The end of the mighty human race. A tear runs down my cheek.

And we were such a special, highly intelligent species, too. Always looking out for the welfare of others and putting our selfish endeavors aside. But, darn it, no more. Goodbye China and everyone else over there across the time zone. It's been fun being indebted to you and giving you all the shit jobs to your kids in the slave factories.

Global warming? Economics? The sun? All rubbish, of course. Thankfully, I'll be here to witness the End of the World. It will just be me and a few other survivors. Somehow, probably due to my sheer greatness, I'll adapt to whatever will transpire in the next billions of years.

Note: I'll let you know how it goes, later, if you happen to be in the bathroom at the time. Ta-ta!

Static said...

Interesting hypothesis, my dear Señor Bananas. I'm sure there's much more that can be surmised from your metaphor than meets the eye. Yes, my frog is a frog is a toad and most people would be none the wiser. It was a convenient addition complete with caption after searching the Googles for "Mayan Death Toad." How dare you try to educate Krapsody readers. And here I thought some science nerd would pick apart my brief but inadequate description of the greenhouse effect and global warming. What do you think this is Reading Rainbow?! I'm trying to illustrate ignorance & stupidity here — and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it without your help. Thank you very much. :P

Static said...

I think you've given this topic entirely too much thought, Kelly. :)

p.s. the shit demon living in your toilet called, he wants his thunder back.

Mark said...

Every time I hear dubstep I wish the world would end.

Static said...

I'm pretty sure dubstep was invented by the Mayans. Skrillex totally ripped them off.

Skrib (aka MEaster Bunny) said...

Boy I bet all those doomsday believers that congregated all over the world feel like idiots now that the world didn't end. They've packed it in and crawled back under the rocks they came from but I bet they'll be back soon for some armegeddon scheme again. BORING.

chlamydia said...

do you even have an anys

THE SNEE said...

2061104Dear Static,

I'm writing this comment from the distant planet, Amphibia. I know you've wondered where I've been, but I had to foil the Mayan Death Toad's diabolical plot. With great relief, it appears my efforts have been rewarded. Our world continues to spin(out of control) and we can now forge an even stronger bloggy bond (which would of course require that I actually write something!) Happy New Year to you!

Ralph said...


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