Survey Says Ebola Is a Real Thing That Is Just About as Dangerous as Cigarettes

| Oct. 29, 2014

The Ebola virus (or E-bola, the electronic virus that infects computers), an epidemic in West Africa, has spread to computers worldwide, leading the United States Computer Emergency Readiness Team to declare an emergency. The team is working closely with Intel Security to contain the outbreak.

To date the spread of Ebola has left thousands of advance-fee fraud and 419 scammers in Nigeria and other West African countries without internet service for several weeks, leading many to go back to the Dark Ages and use snail mail to send out fake lottery notices, romantic offers, "Dear next of kin," and other scam letters.

In the wake of the Ebola outbreak, Intel Security recommends downloading a hidden but free 30-day trial of their McAfee AntiVirus and Security Software bundled with the latest version of most any Adobe product against the wishes of many computer users.

McAfee representative Sneeky Bastid stated at a recent press conference, "McAfee's treatment of Ebola is aggressive and it's important that you use our expensive ineffectual state-of-the-art technology if you want to keep Ebola from spreading. This offer is only available for a limited time so hurry while supplies last."

"The risk of infection is low but it has been shown that visiting pornographic websites is one way many users have contracted Ebola. Other sources of infection include opening unsolicited emails and following viral links from social networking websites like Facebook to other questionable content available on the internets."

"And well, duh! No-brainer!" Sneeky Bastid yelled over the sound of dying computers in the background.

Everybody's favorite celebrity doctor, Dr. Oz also sets the facts straight about Ebola. "You cannot get Ebola by viewing pages on my website, or subscribing to my newsletters. You cannot get Ebola if you or someone else sneezes or ejaculates on your computer. You can only get Ebola by downloading illegal content such as pirated music, video and pornography from peer-to-peer sites. The only effective treatment for Ebola once you get it is to wrap aluminum foil around the device and put it in the microwave on high for three minutes. By the way, I not only play a doctor on t.v., I am a doctor in real life."

How to tell if your computer is infected with the Ebola virus:

1. Signs and symptoms include a general feeling of malaise in your internet capable device which results in slower processing speeds; users may experience several pop-ups reporting unusual operating system errors and complaints of feeling under the weather

2. As your electronic device begins to become infected it will overheat and sweat profusely

3. At some point in the virus' progression your device will start oozing vomit, diarrhea and blood from all of its hard drives and/or available ports

4. Apps, components and peripherals of the system begin mysteriously shutting down one by one

5. Finally you get the blue screen of death and your device crashes and will not restart

If you have experienced any of the previous issues your computer or electronic device may be infected with the Ebola virus.

As a safety precaution the United States Computer Emergency Readiness Team (USCERT) suggests that users should not transport infected devices on commercial or other public methods of mass transit for safety reasons.

If you must travel, contact the Computer Emergency Readiness Team and complete the following steps:
Step 1 - Contact the USCERT but ignore their obvious ignorance and ambivalence over your concerns about traveling with an infected item and continue to Step 2
Step 2 - Prep the infected device for travel by wrapping it in cellophane and using it only during take-off and landing of your airliner
Step 3 - Place the infected device on a Malaysian Airlines flight and hope they live up to their reputation; hopefully the flight will take a direct path over Ukraine and you can worry no more.

Regardless of the associated low risks in spreading the virus, the team also cautions users about connecting to public wi-fi hotspots or company networks that could cause further spread of Ebola.

Computer Emergency Response is available for all Ebola related inquiries via telephone at 1-900-Got-Ebola? —or via smoke signal and complex hand gestures from your quarantined areas.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Yes, I've noticed this McAfee shit in my updates. Fortunately, I unchecked the box and cut off their cyber-testicles. I never got a virus I couldn't cure by feeding my computer to the crocodiles.

Static said...

@Gorilla Bananas - I just use a hammer. Quickly cures any and all problems. But from now on I think I'm going to take Dr. Oz's advice.

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