Boss Hogg Desperately Seeking Sugar Baby

| Nov. 14, 2014

Recently Georgia State University ranked at the top of the list of 20 colleges with the highest number of sugar babies. For those unfamiliar with the practice, a sugar baby is a young person who provides companionship to an older sugar daddy (or mommy) in exchange for money and gifts. The babies and sugar daddies meet on dating sites that cater to gold-diggers and chicks with daddy issues looking for generous, but perverted older men who want young women.

Hazzard County big wig, Boss Hogg, is no exception. Sugar daddies, like Boss Hogg, know college babies have financial needs, including student loans and tuition to pay off. So when all other means of earning income are exhausted, becoming a sugar baby doesn't seem so bad for a 20-year-old girl trying to pay her way through college and have extra money for partying, spray tans and clothes. Sugar babies are desperate and willing to do anything for cash, and the sugar daddies are either married or single and desperate for companionship.

The babies and daddies view an arrangement as a mutually beneficial relationship. It's widely circulated that many sugar daddies will pay up to a few thousand dollars a month, but Boss Hogg is willing to shell out up to $10,000 for a sugar baby.

"My sugar baby has needs and as a sugar daddy, so do I," Hogg says in between mouthfuls of spare ribs. "If my sugar baby wants designer handbags, shoes and likes the good life then I just ask that they comply with my very specific requests," Hogg says with a glint in his eye, as he licks the bbq sauce off his lips and fingers.

And what kind of specific requests does Hogg have?

"Oh, I'll just leave that up to your imagination. But let's just say that I do like thinking about new ways I can play with Jello and my bondage equipment." Hogg's eyes widen as he proudly proclaims, "I'm going to level with you. I'm just a squirrel looking for a nut, and these young girls are just what the doctor ordered!"

In fact it's reported that women don't mind if their men are a little on the portly side, so long as they're well-endowed, financially speaking.

Yeah, it's not science. Chicks dig fat rich guys and this guy has to be rich. There's no other possible explanation.
Because of all the things a sugar baby seeks, personality and good looks aren't one of 'em.

Shaniqua Toweena Campbell, a local community college student in Atlanta, couldn't agree more.

"Yeah, uh, after my baby daddy ditched me for some other ho, I decided to go back to school. I had to find some way to support my six kids, so, y'know, going back to school seemed like a good idea at the time. But now I'm thinkin' it's a great idea, and I can't wait to get in touch with Mr. Hogg, 'cause I ain't got no problem with f***in' a fat man so long as he has money."

"Desperate times call for desperate measures and these are desperate times, for sure," Campbell continues, "What about you? What are you doin' tonight? You need a date, honey?"

"I love Jello, and the bondage is alright so long as I'm the one in charge. That squirrel can go as nuts as he wants over all this," Campbell says pointing to her rather large posterior.

After several minutes of listening to her go on about all of her "talents in the sack" and getting a visual demonstration of her twerking skills in her Daisy Dukes, I promptly wrote down and handed her Hogg's address and fled the scene. I'm sure she'll drive him nuts, alright. Unless Bo and Luke Duke rescue their adversary once again from the threat posed to both Boss Hogg and Hazzard County and save the day.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Hmm, I don't remember Boss Hogg being interested in fresh young poontang. Wasn't gluttony his main thing? Anyway, you've got to respect the sugar daddies for being willing to pay for it unlike that cheapskate Bill Clinton.

Static said...

Hogg not only had a lust for money and criminal activities, Monsieur Bananas, he had a lust for Daisy Duke. And who wouldn't? I present you with the second season of "The Dukes of Hazzard" Episode 9: "Witness for the Persecution" which aired on Nov 16, 1979. Daisy Duke comes home after a long day to find Boss Hogg "passed-out" in her bed and he refuses to leave. Coincidence? I think not!

Anonymous said...

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Static said...

Sometimes we have to accept that there are reasons for everything, jessica. Evidently you have more than just a physical problem and you really shouldn't be raising children at all, and that is why I'm calling child social services.

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