In Memoriam of Jollybags

| Nov. 16, 2014

Dear whomever left a used condom at the end of my driveway,

Please quit leaving your discarded prophylactics lying around for others to see, or possibly have to pickup. It was basically lying in the street, but still. You are disgusting. Did you drop it there because you wanted to leave behind some kind of proof of your conquest? That's an odd thing to do unless you meant it as a message for someone. If I am that someone, well then, I am not sure I understand the message.

You would think you'd want to bronze it, mount it on a plaque and place it upon your mantle, or hang it on the wall as evidence that you have finally gotten laid by someone dumb enough to let you have your way with them. You should. It might be the only and the last time you get any. Ever. Especially if I find out who you are.

But I have to admit that I am a little jealous that someone other than me is getting some on my block, however. When you've been married for a period of time, sex doesn't happen as frequently as it does while you're still getting acquainted with your partner. You get busy. Life determines where your priorities lie, and that means the only time you lie in bed with your significant other is to sleep, and nothing else, because you are too fucking worn out from your soul-sucking job to even think about much of anything including sex. Your head hits the pillow and that's it. You're out like a light. Not to worry. I don't expect you to understand, cretin.

I might just take the condom down to a lab and have them collect the DNA evidence to identify you. Then I can either mail it back to you, or hand deliver it myself, and attach a note along with it that summarizes my thoughts here. Perhaps I will leave it on your doorstep, and leave my own "calling card" of sorts on top of it for you to be perplexed and annoyed by.

Maybe you're a wanted criminal, and once I've turned you in I can collect my reward.

I think I'll just refer to you as "Coney Island Whitefish", since "asshole" seems too generic to describe you.

I do appreciate that you are practicing safe sex and all. The last thing we need is someone like you procreating, or spreading venereal diseases, but please try to dispose of your baby baggie in a more acceptable manner next time. For instance, try to remember to bring a trash bag with you, or go to a drive-thru--and by all means do it twice--but put your nasty pecker poncho in the paper bag and toss it out in a dumpster somewhere far far away from my house. In fact, just set the thing on fire. For the love of everything that is good and holy, destroy it. Your spunk is a health hazard. Do you not get that? I don't think that you are educated enough to.

Do you always toss your used rubbers on the ground? That seems awfully unsanitary and just plain weird on your part. Which begs the question, why were you too bothered to place it in a trash receptacle down the street at a convenience store? Surely after all that marathon sex in motion you'd need to fill up your gas tank.

It's not like you're all that bashful, so how can you be so lazy that you can't dispose of it like a normal person? I can't imagine after having olympic sex in a car that you were just so exhausted you couldn't muster the strength to get out and toss it in a trash can. You're frickin' driving fercrissakes. You can't just roll over and go to sleep in this situation.

All kinds of questions begin to arise about your odd behavior. Was it a walk-and-fuck or a run-and-fuck scenario? That's awfully unusual also. That takes some real talent. It must have been amusing for whomever saw that outside their house. I bet there are many people who would pay to see something like that. But not me.

Were you just driving by and you flung it out the window at random? How long were you driving around with that oyster before you decided to get rid of it on my block? Do you often drive and lay pipe at the same time? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? The windows were probably all fogged up. How could you even see where you were going?

Were you having sex in your car while it was parked in front of my house last night and I was just completely oblivious, while you got "jiggy wit it" and didn't bother to send me notification of your plans, or ask my permission? How dare you! The more I think about it the more pissed off I get.

Couldn't you wait until you got home, or was mommy up and you didn't want her to know that you're having premarital relations?

I think the best thing you can do is to take the next condom you have and just hang yourself with it. I hear they make excellent bungie cords. So when you take a leap off the nearest bridge, be sure to take the condom with you.



Keep yo damn jollybags to yourself


Gorilla Bananas said...

Maybe he thinks they can be re-used. He might be upset it's gone when he returns to your driveway to hump another possum.

Static said...

Gee, I hadn't considered that, Bananas. You're so wise and thoughtful. Maybe I was being a bit too hasty in my judgement. To make up for my indiscretion I will put a "fresh" one out there, but not before I fill it with Liquid Heat. I wouldn't want his poor little pecker to freeze while he has his way with the possums in my neighborhood.

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