Showing posts with label cheese. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheese. Show all posts

In Memoriam of Jollybags

| Nov. 16, 2014

Dear whomever left a used condom at the end of my driveway,

Please quit leaving your discarded prophylactics lying around for others to see, or possibly have to pickup. It was basically lying in the street, but still. You are disgusting. Did you drop it there because you wanted to leave behind some kind of proof of your conquest? That's an odd thing to do unless you meant it as a message for someone. If I am that someone, well then, I am not sure I understand the message.

Introducing: FRUITSHIGI!

You are about to be mesmerized, it's here, it's wild and it's sweeping the nation. It's FRUITSHIGI – The magic gravity fruit! No strings, no tricks. Is it magic?… Maybe. Is it illusion?…YOU decide! You can make FRUITSHIGI defy gravity and fall in midair with maneuvers like prayer cross, levitation, palm-spin, The body roll, and so many more!! It confuses the senses (and Isaac Newton) with its mind blowing movements! Young or old, big or small anyone can FRUITSHIGI the minute they pickup the magic gravity fruit and with practice you can conquer the FRUITSHIGI! Everyone loves FRUITSHIGI and you don’t have to be a magician. It's relaxing and even therapeutic. Best of all it's just amazing!!!

The Oscars Summed Up In One Photo

Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.

Halloween Countdown: 14 Days : Devil's Rejects

chicken Two weeks to Halloween and I haven't found the ultimate movie or meme to rate. But I'm getting closer with this edition.

The last movie I reviewed, that's an epic. It's just dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of it and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just read on for more disposable entertainment.

If you've seen Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses then you've probably seen the sequel, Devil's Rejects. But if you haven't, then you're missing out on some fine family entertainment.

It doesn't really warrant a plot summary. But it does deserve some explanation. It's possibly one of the most indulgent horror movies you'll ever see. Over-the-top comedy and depravity at it's finest.

Nothing's better than an entire family of serial killers than a movie about an entire family of serial killers to get you in the mood for Halloween. And this by far has to be the best clip from that movie.

No. no. it all wrong. The poor bastard just wanted some fried chicken, not to be ridiculed for the preparation and secret ingredient. It's CHICKEN PLUCKER. Not CHICKEN FUCKER. It's an auditory anomaly. Your ears are playing tricks on you.

Harland Sanders, a prominent chicken-fucker who heads a watchdog group that monitors the portrayal of chicken-fuckers in the media, is "not at all amused" by this clip, which gives you even more reason to see both of these celluloid offenses.

"Chicken-fuckers have feelings, too," he says. Mr. Sanders asserts that the explosion of chicken-fucking jokes on late-night TV and on the Internet are "insensitive and hurtful."

"Once again, we chicken-fuckers are being stereotyped and belittled," he said. "We need to get the message out that the act of love between a man and a chicken, when consensual, is a beautiful thing."

Sooo...keep pluckin' those chickens and rent, borrow, or steal Devil's Rejects.

Halloween Countdown

Halloween Countdown: 15 Days: Braindead

The Halloween Countdown continues! Few movies are so horrible that you would rather rub icy hot on your genitals than watch a movie like this. TWICE.

Movies like Braindead are exactly that. It's badly edited, shot and acted, the score sucks, the humor is tacky. For a horror spoof, it fails. In a nutshell, it seems like I wrote it.

But no, I didn't. Relieved? This gem was courtesy of Peter Jackson, before he did Lord of the Rings. Yep. Just proves you have to make a few turds before you make a highly polished...turd.

What's this movie about, you ask?
It's about a wimpy guy, Lionel, and his overbearing mother. Lionel finally gets the balls to go out on a date, but his momma can't help but escort the two to the zoo.

Lionel's mom gets bitten at the zoo by a Sumatran rat-monkey and then she turns into a zombie and then turns other sniveling shit puppets into zombies. Bloody gore-fest ensues ending with the loss of life (undead) and limb by lawnmower. It's quite original.

With taglines like:
Some things won't stay down... even after they die.
There's something nasty in Lionel's cellar - His family!
You'll laugh yourself sick!
Prepare for complete mental shutdown...

They weren't kidding.

One of few redeeming moments in this glass bottom boat is the baby scene

I have to confess, that was pretty funny. The only thing that could have made the scenes where Lionel is giving the zombie baby a proper beating MORE shocking, was if the zombie baby "suicide bombed" a daycare center...hypothetically speaking of course.

If you want your Halloween to be Happy, don't rent this, unless TORTURE (such as waterboarding) is your thing.

I give this heap two thumbs down and a middle finger up.

Halloween Countdown

Halloween Countdown: 16 Days: Count Wussula

I’ve read Bram Stoker's Dracula before, but it has been probably ten or fifteen years so I don’t remember it in it's entirety.

I do remember my reaction was like "HELL TO THE YEAH!" NOT disappointed due to the fact he’s not quite the sophisticated pop culture pansy-ass Dracula we all know and love so much. He was more of a real monster. That's what a vampire should be.

But now, post-Twilight, I’m EVEN more on board with the monster thing. I like my vampires to be more menacing, less sparkly...certainly less like a wussy than Warhol's Dracula AND just as gory.

I am referring to Blood For Dracula, 94 minutes of pure shit.
But it's the best campy art film pile of shit you'll ever feast your eyes upon. I can only assume that Warhol meant for it to be a cheesy satire splattered with buckets of blood. That's why I have a love-hate relationship with this movie.

What footage doesn't bore you to death, kills you with laughter. The first hour which doesn't seem shocking at first, finally comes through and could stimulate the autonomic nervous system of even the most catatonic of vegetables. The last half-hour or so of this film surely would have euthanized Terri Schiavo and made Charles Manson shit his pants.

Now, despite everything I've said, one thing's for sure, Blood For Dracula is still a pretty interesting film, just on the principles that it is so different then what you would expect from a typical Dracula movie.

Gone is the suave vampire that seduces his prey. Here we have a very sickly vampire who relies on his servant for survival; he whines a lot; can only drink the blood of virgins lest he become violently ill, which he does quite appears that virgins are not that easy to come by.

Well no shit, Dumb-ula!
Not only does virgin blood taste better, but it contains all the healthy vitamins and nutrients a thirsty vampire needs...but virgins are scarce these days, thank GAWD. Sluts are/should be just as nutritious as their puritan opposites.

The one thing that saves this film from me giving it a total S&P Steamer rating is the gore. Vomiting blood, mutilation, severing of limbs, and graphic sex scenes all gave the original uncut film an X-rating in 1974.

As stiff as the acting is at times, Udo Kier does a great job in this role. He's believable as a pathetic blood-sucking creature of the night.

Kier vaguely reminds you of Frankenstein's Igor, but he's a blood-soaked bat fuck insane Igor that makes Edward Cullen look like a choir boy dressed up like Little Boy Blue, and makes Nosferatu look like Colonel Klink wearing rubber Spock ears and candy corn fangs.

Kier generally plays a hard-ass in most of his roles and he could have certainly pulled that off in this flick, but he's so much better like this:




and the best line from any movie in the history of film EVAR is


Rent it today. You won't be totally disappointed.

Halloween Countdown

Halloween Countdown: 17 Days: Zombie Kid

beware zombie kids
With Halloween right around the corner, it begs the question, do insomniac zombies count dead sheep?

Nope, but they do like turtles!

The Cheese Crusades

Somehow I found myself in the middle of a war on the internet. I'm not quite sure how it happened as I was pleasantly minding my own business. It was a day like any other, only it was the kind of day where the birds were swimming in the ocean and the fish were flying in the sky. So I knew something was amiss.

If They Were Called...

What if Michael Jacksons songs had "in my pants" added to the end of them?
Well, that's just what Krapsody has answered!

Oh golly, these are BAD (no pun intended)...

P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Just Good Friends in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Another Part Of Me in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Man In The Mirror in my pants [Michael Jackson]
I Just Can't Stop Loving You in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Give In To Me in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Will You Be There in my pants [Michael Jackson]
The Man in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Who Is It in my pants [Michael Jackson]
In The Closet in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Is It Scary in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Scream in my pants [Michael Jackson]
They Don't Care About Us in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Stranger In Moscow in my pants [Michael Jackson]
This Time Around in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Money in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Come Together in my pants [Michael Jackson]
You Are Not Alone in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Childhood in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Tabloid Junkie in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Little Susie in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Whatever Happens in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Heartbreaker in my pants [Michael Jackson]
The Way You Love Me in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Butterflies in my pants [Michael Jackson]
2000 Watts in my pants [Michael Jackson]
One More Chance in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Love Never Felt So Good in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Trouble in my pants [Michael Jackson]
The Lost Children in my pants [Michael Jackson]
Smooth Criminal in my pants [Michael Jackson]

Anyone else notice a pattern in his songs?... creepy, it's almost like they were meant to be titled that way.

In other MJ news;
MJ in an interview last week with Krapsody reporter, Willy Whacker, asked Michael about his scandals and gave us these snippets, "I asked Michael if he still slept with children. Michael sighed wistfully and once again stated he no longer has children sleep in his room. 'However', Michael said, 'that doesn't mean I can't have children sleep with me in the family room, the den, the kitchen, the hallways, the stairs, the entertainment room, and of course....the bathroom! Heeheeehee!' He gleefully giggled, just before his nose fell off."

And in yet more MJ news;
Jacko bought a time machine yesterday and traveled back to 1973 where he cornered a young Michael Jackson and persuaded the boy into giving himself, the King Of Pop a hummer!

"Hum Along And Dance in my pants"

Man, MJ still has alot of explainin' to do.

Semiotic Retardology

Lost critter.
lost cat

Seeing the dentist in a foreign country means getting screwed.
international dentistry

Imagine the pain.
Imagine the pain

Seriously... Imagine the pain.
cardio dick boxing

Everyone wants a 0% off sale.
0% off sale

Nice. If you're into that. Just don't call him Shirley.
Strange Ad

Just kidding. Sorry about your total loss!
Just kidding sign

Hmm, and all this time I thought these people were ACTUALLY homeless.
Work 4 food ad

Can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being.
Very funny sign

A collection of really bad ads. What were they thinking?
Really bad ads

Interesting concept, funny what fish are lured in by,
but I wouldn't buy any bait here if I were you.
lol sign

Click on and enlarge this ad,
have a look on the right side of the page for the sale on pineapples.
Free Image Hosting at

QuickPost Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

The Sixth Dimension, The Invention of Cheese and the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

One of the more humorous things I find in life is people who claim to be "in the know" of things. Nothing says pretentious more than someone who acts like an expert on any given subject, especially on the internet.

It's not only pretentious. It's annoying. Anyone with a computer can incessantly ramble on about their beliefs and publish it nowadays (just look at me).

There are plenty of reasons why someone could be considered a professional in their field. But when that field is so unfounded and mysterious such as the paranormal or metaphysical - whether science may offer an explanation or not - is ridiculous.

Extraordinary claims! Astounding insights! I wanna see some ectoplasmic vomit then I'll truly believe.

Take for example this bloggers description of the sixth dimension.

Now, I'm sure there likely is a series of dimensions beyond our human comprehension and understanding. That being said, I don't think anyone's claims could be necessarily be construed for fact or truth. The mysterious universe is probably just that and to think that we might have all the answers is ludicrous.

I'm not saying that I don't believe that these things are possible. Our thoughts have a way of manifesting themselves into our physical realm. For instance, great inventions like electricity, the automobile, and cheese would not have been possible if someone hadn't thought to themselves, 'Why that's a great idea!'

The main point here is think it, believe it and it will happen. Maybe.

Everyone of course is entitled to their own brand of bigotry. We're all bigots to some extent about something. Regardless if that's right or if we agree with that or not.

So just because the religious norm in western culture and the mainstream beliefs of it's adherents may have effed up some of our fragile little psyches concerning new age or other mystical spiritual beliefs doesn't mean every person that has religious or spiritual beliefs (or horrors) and publicly expresses them has a screw loose.

But I tend to think anyone who makes claims that they found the truth through pure speculation just might be a total wingnut...especially if they are wearing tinfoil on their heads.

Who knows, maybe there is a millionth dimension and our spiritual doubles carry on in everyday life similar to our own, and they believe in Pastafarianism and the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

In closing, the slogan for the sixth dimension should be:

The sixth dimension.
It's cooler than the third dimension. Yeah!
It's like... the third dimension, only different.
It's the third dimension squared!

Talk about a mindfuck, huh?

Britney Hauled Off In Ambulance, Y'all

Another dramatic episode in the Spears vs. Federline custody debacle.
It's another great start to a new year as it appears Britney has finally hit rock bottom, Britney Spears was placed on lockdown for a mental evaluation Friday after the pop star locked herself in a room with one of her children at her L.A. home and refused to hand him over to ex-husband Kevin Federline.

Police cars, ambulances and firetrucks with sirens blazing, helicopters hovering above — it was a scene straight out of a Hollywood blockbuster Thursday night as Britney Spears and her infant hid from the authorities inside her Beverly Hills home.

"It looked like a hostage situation," one witness was quoted at the time.

So how did this all happen? Let's retrace her steps!

Image Hosted by

11:32 a.m.: Britney, in a bright fuschia halter dress and heels, arrives over 90 minutes late to her final chance to give a court-ordered deposition in her custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline. She is only able to be deposed for approximately 14 minutes.

12:20 p.m.: Brit arrives back home at her gated community, The Summit. Her sons are there for their scheduled visit, as is a court-appointed monitor.

7 p.m.: K-Fed's security team arrives to pick up boys Sean Preston and Jayden James and bring them back to their father's house. When there is a delay in releasing the boys, Britney's assistant, Carla, makes excuses for the pop star. However, it soon becomes clear that there is a problem.

At some point, 2-year-old Sean Preston is removed from the house, leaving only little Jayden inside with his mother.

8 p.m.: The police are notified of a custodial situation at Britney's house and officers are dispatched to The Summit. But when they arrive, they find that the court-appointed monitor, who has been locked out of the house, is not in possession of the paperwork required to allow them to enter Britney's house.

9:20 p.m.: K-Fed's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan arrives at The Summit with the required paperwork. He and five police cars enter the gated community and drive up to Britney's house.

10:30 p.m.: More than a dozen police officers, as well as two ambulances and a handful of fire rescue trucks are now on the scene. Sometime before 11 p.m., Britney's cousin Alli and Brit's assistant Carla leave the house, leaving Brit alone with Jayden James.

11:45 p.m.: Britney is taken out of her home strapped to a gurney and placed into an ambulance, which is escorted by 13 police cars with sirens blaring to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, arriving at approximately 12:30 a.m. Jayden is brought to the hospital in a separate vehicle.

"We are concerned about her mental state and believe she may be under the influence," an LAPD officer revealed to the press at the time of Brit's arrival at Cedars-Sinai.

Britney, who had been sobbing when taken from her home, appeared distant and erratic as she was escorted out of the ambulance and into the hospital. "Her eyes were like pinholes, and she was strapped to the gurney," another witness recalled.

Already waiting at the hospital's emergency room is K-Fed and his lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan obviously in shock not sure as to what had transpired and lead up to this.

Sources have stated that Britney takes prescription medication to treat a bipolar disorder. This source who was a companion explains that if the singer misses her hourly dosage of medication the result is severe anxiety.

Our source presumes that Thursday’s hectic schedule and at least one missed dosage may have contributed to that night’s occurrence.

Life & Style is reporting that early police reports about Britney being under the influence when being taken to Cedars Sinai are false - all tests came back negative!

“Her blood test just came back, and, thank God, it was clean. There are no traces of drugs or alcohol of any kind,” a source close to Britney's family told the mag.

Could Britney's clean slate lend credibility to her claim that she missed her hourly meds? After all, if she'd taken her anti-anxiety pills as scheduled, they'd show up in the test, right?

No charges have been filed as of yet. "We aren't charging her with anything at this time," LAPD officer HARDING says. "She is at the [hospital] for her own health and welfare."

Britney's visitation rights "have been suspended pending further order of the court," says Commissioner Scott Gordon. This will be in effect until January 14th when a hearing will then determine what happens next.

Do you think Britney is healthy enough to parent her own two children?
And also, does she truly need help or is she the victim of an overly aggressive legal team... or both?

Currently Britney is sedated and resting in the psychiatric unit at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. A family insider was quoted as saying that the singer requested that no visitors be admitted and her doctors agreed.

I also agree, Britney's best interest seems to be to stay out of the spotlight for awhile, get some rest and a bit of therapy. Then who knows? Personally I think her career is over as well as her ability to win a custody battle at this point.

Thread Bombs / britney spears shotgun

More on the story quoted in these clipping courtesy of Yahoo!News

By SANDY COHEN, AP Entertainment Writer Fri Jan 4, 6:26 PM ET
LOS ANGELES - A court commissioner gave sole physical and legal custody of Britney Spears' two little boys Friday to ex-husband Kevin Federline and suspended the troubled pop star's visitation rights.

Commissioner Scott Gordon issued a ruling the day after Spears was hauled away from her home by paramedics; police had to intervene when she refused to return the children to Federline after a court-monitored visit.

Gordon ordered another hearing to be held Jan. 14.

Federline had previously been awarded temporary custody of 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James because Spears has defied court orders, resulting in limitations on her visitation.

"I'm not happy about any of these events," Federline attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan said when he left a closed-door emergency hearing Friday afternoon. "There's no winners here."

Federline was not in court for the hearing, Kaplan said.

The attorney had said he did not expect the ruling to be released until Monday, but it was issued shortly after the hearing concluded.

by Rob Woollard AFP writer Fri Jan 4, 2:02 PM ET
LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Britney Spears was being evaluated at a Los Angeles hospital early Friday after being taken from her home by paramedics following the latest twist to the troubled pop star's custody battle.

Spears was wheeled out of her home on a stretcher late Thursday following a stand-off which began when she reportedly refused to release her two children, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1 to ex-husband Kevin Federline's bodyguard.

Video footage of the incident shown on celebrity news websites and television reports showed Spears alternately smiling and looking distraught as she was lifted into an ambulance.

Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Jason Lee said Spears was being detained and evaluated in hospital because officers had found her under the influence of an unknown substance.

Lee said police had been called to Spears' home at 8 pm Thursday (0400 GMT Friday) to resolve a custody dispute. and reported that the drama began when Spears failed to hand her two children over as arranged under a court-ordered custody agreement with Federline.

At around 10:30 pm paramedics and an ambulance arrived and shortly afterwards the two children were turned over to Federline after police reviewed court documents, Lee said.

Police could not confirm celebrity news website reports that Spears' youngest son Jayden James had also been taken to the hospital, Lee adding only that there were "no reportable injuries to anyone involved."

People magazine reported on its website that Spears had been placed under a 72-hour lock down for evaluation at Cedars Sinai known as a "5150".

Spears, one of the most successful pop stars of her generation, has been embroiled in a bitter custody battle with Federline ever since the couple separated in late 2006.

Lawyers for Spears and Federline held a court hearing early Friday and were due to return before a judge later. Reports speculated Federline's lawyers will seek to have Spears' access to the children curtailed.

A judge limited the pop star's access to her children in October after she failed to submit to random drug testing as demanded at an earlier hearing where the court ruled Spears was a "habitual and continuous" drug user."

Earlier Thursday Spears began a court-ordered deposition in the custody case after missing several appointments to do so, but appeared for questioning by Federline's lawyer so late that it lasted only 13 minutes, USmagazine reported.

The day before, her lawyers had requested to leave her case, citing "a breakdown in communications" with Spears that made "further representation of her interests impossible."

The court-room drama rumbled throughout a difficult year for Spears that saw her rarely out of the tabloid headlines. She was repeatedly photographed in nightspots wearing no underwear and was also captured bizarrely shaving her head in a hair salon and attacking a photographer's car with an umbrella. Those episodes were followed by a stint in a rehabilitation treatment center.

In September Spears attempted to resurrect her career but suffered a critical savaging after a live performance at the Video Music Awards.

Nevertheless the release of her first album in four years in October, "Blackout," offered Spears some encouragement with critics broadly hailing the work as a success.

But Spears' family was back in the headlines again last month when it emerged that the singer's 16-year-old sister, the star of a popular US television children's show, was pregnant.

Spears shot to superstardom in late 1998, with her smash-hit debut album "Baby One More Time" which she followed with another chart-topping success the following year, "Oops! ... I Did It Again."

According to Time magazine, Spears has sold over 76 million records worldwide, and her 31 million albums sold in the United States make her the eighth best-selling female artist in US music history.

Queer Eye For the Santa Guy?


Only 3 days to go until Christmas, friends and neighbors.

Which means, of course, that this weekend will be Prime Holiday Party Time.

Lots of drinking, lots of unwanted mistletoe come-ons and a sleigh full of inappropriate gestures like this one:

I always wondered what happened to the leatherclad guy in the Village People....

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