Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

The Evolution of Pharmaceuticals

As the health care reform debate reaches it's pinnacle of lunacy, I think it's high time to blow off some much needed focusing on the general public outcry for affordable medications and health care (and how they feel about it) whether the government is involved or not! Y'know, because the general public is sick and tired of getting ass-raped by pharmaceutical companies (one of the real evils in all of this)?

The Evolution of Pharmaceuticals

teh buttsecks circa 2000 bc 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

teh buttsecks circa 1000 ad 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

teh buttsecks circa 1850 ad 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

teh buttsecks circa 1940 ad 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

teh buttsecks circa 1985 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

teh buttsecks circa 2000 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

futuristic buttsecks 2040 A.D. - That root is gone. Extinct. Nada. Here, shove this sand in your bio-port!

*note: This article was not endorsed or approved of by Pfizer, Procter & Gamble, Johnson & Johnson, Bayer, AstraZeneca, 3M Pharmaceuticals, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Biogen Idec, nor any other Big/Little/or Medium-sized Pharma company. But they sure like teh buttsecks!...this article also does not take into account that 2012 is the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar.

A Letter From Santa

A Letter from Santa
Ho, ho, f****** ho,

Merry f$%^&*#@ Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Santa's heard it all before. "Santa! Santa! I want stuff! Give me more STUFF!" I tell ya what, all that thankless consumerism is really starting to give old Santa a rash. You all seem to think that Santa exists for no other reason than to bust his ass every Christmas just so you can get the latest bit of tawdry crap you saw on your teevee last night. Christ!

Well, when it comes down to it, Santa will probably end up giving in (Santa always has been a softy); but Santa ain't gonna' like it!

You might ask yourself how Santa copes. I'll let you in on a little secret: the answer is "barely". Ho ho ho! (Santa really busts himself up.) Anyway, Santa always finds it therapeutic to blow off a little steam during the "shopping" season by getting together with all his fellow Santas... (What? you didn't think there was just one of us? For the entire planet?! What a rube!)

...Anyway, like Santa was saying, Santa likes to get together with his pals and head on out on bicycle (to keep Santa's girlish figure) for a bit of pre-season Merry Making. Santa invariably does a lil drinking and, well, sometimes things get a wee bit out of hand. Deal with it. It's Santa. If you complain, ya won't get nuttin' but coal in your stocking.

(lousy ingrate)


my pimped pic!

Re: Wandi Maker Needed !!

Occasionally I like to check out Craigslist to see if anything of value is posted. Sometimes you can find items you want for really cheap, or in some cases free. I like to also see what kind of ridiculous ads people put up, and there are plenty if you've noticed. Take for example this help wanted ad in Rhode Island: Wandi Maker Needed !!

Well, I didn't have any idea what a wandi was until I asked a few people. Apparently, it's a cookie formed into a bowtie, fried in oil, then sprinkled with confectioners' sugar... I didn't know there was demand for professional bowtied fried sugar sprinkled cookie-makers. Only in Rhode Island as they say, little do Rhode Islanders know, the rest of New England is actually making fun of them.

So naturally, being the cantankerous pessimistic lame ass bastard that I am, I decided to post a response.

chef serves shit

Re: Wandi Maker Needed !! (Cranston)
Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-05-01, 1:32PM EDT

To the guys with the BUSY Italian bakery looking for a professional wandi maker.

Are you SERIOUS?! A professional WANDI maker??????

Don't you mean you are looking for a BAKER or a CHEF - I assume that's who make wandis right - not just a professional wandi maker? Because I seriously doubt ANYONE has "professional wandi maker" listed on their resumes.

Also your reference to pay and inquiries: "hourly wage to be determined according to experience. e-mail us to get more information."


Have you actually had anybody respond to this ludicrous ad? Do most people even know what a wandi is? Would a professional "wandi maker" respond? Would they waste their time? What would that be like, hmm let me see.... maybe something like this:

*********************Re: Wandi Maker Needed !!*********************

Hi wandi making Busy Italian Bakery manager,

My name is Goombah McWandi!
I'm a professional wandi maker, I have been happily making wandis for 25+ years. I specialize in wandi making. Wandi making is a skilled culinary art, for which I have a masters degree in wandi crafting from Wandi Tech. In fact you could say I am a wandi ninja. I wandi all day, I wandi all night. I can even wandi in my sleep. Over 1,000,000,000 wandis served!

My work references include a long list of wandi specialty stores, some non-descript Italian restaurants, and a wandi factory. I work for no less than $3.00 per hour.

Please find my resume attached and call me at your convenience. Ciao!


Obi-Wandi Kenobi

So do I get the job?

* Location: Anytown, RI
* Compensation: a pile of wandi
* This is a part-time job.
* This is an internship job
* OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
* Phone calls about this job are ok.
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. In fact don't contact at all.

So naturally, I haven't heard anything. I'm not surprised really, they probably took my response quite hard and have decided to bring in a trained monkey instead.

I also couldn't help but submit my own post to the Best of Craigslist (just to annoy them and other people a bit more, that's how I roll). Feel free to submit it too.
Vote 'Re: Wandi Maker Needed !! for addition to Best of Craigslist

For Whom the Meme Tolls

Earlier this month the Dead Rooster whacked me over the head with one of those things... oh, what do you call it, a meme tag! Good gawd no! Not another f-ing meme tag! That's all the internet needs is another meme tag circle jerkfest.

My humble apologies and no offenses intended to my fellow bloggers, or to the Dead Rooster, but the memes must stop here. I appreciate the thought, but one of the meme tag rules is to respect that not everyone you tag will respond. Allow me to explain why I am opposed to meme tags for these following reasons;

Beeker is dead
1) Beaker says, "Meme meme meme meme". And nothing annoys me more than Beaker. I loathe Beaker. I'd give him stonings and wet noodle beatings until he stopped moving, then I'd do it some more, that's just how much I loathe him. A good muppet is a dead muppet. Especially an annoying one.

ebola all up in yo shit

2) Memes spread because Blogger A tags Blogger B, thereby making Blogger B feel obligated to answer a series of silly questions or share annoying habits about themselves. It's like a virus, I've caught it, now I'm giving it to you. (Cough cough) I'd rather shove knitting needles in my eyes than have to feel obligated to do something for someone. I find it more fun to play Scrabble without any vowels, in fact I'd rather do that than partake in a meme tag.

3) I also like my freedom and my anonymity. Freedom for instance to post amoral content (which could be humorous) such as my idea of taking starving babies and hooking them to a disco ball, turning it into a flailing mass of meat, shards of mirror and stage lights, then call it art. What the hell, if Yale art major Aliza Shvarts can do a demented art project about her alleged abortions or a loco Costa Rican artist named Guillermo Vargas can chain an emaciated dog to a wall and they can be classified as urban legends and artistic nutters then I can do it too. Only I can do it better. I'll say it's fake but then it will all actually be considered real. Real fake. And since my internet identity is concealed I'll be totally anonymous so it wouldn't actually affect me in the least, it shouldn't affect anyone else either. It's the internets, which is largely unregulated, mostly built on hype, develop your own mental filter, pick your battles and get over it.

shit is a weapon 4) Krapsody is a steaming pile, that's how it started, that's how it will probably end (in the very, VERY distant future, perhaps an instant before the end of what we know as time, so don't get your hopes up). For those of you who don't like Krapsody, you know where the exit is. I shine a big spotlight on any krap found on the net that strikes my interest. No one said it had to be good, I never claimed it has to be and I certainly don't expect readers to think so either. If it makes you laugh, great! My job is done. If it makes me laugh, that's even better.

memes blow goats 5) Meme tagging is used as a way for blatant shameless self-promotion amongst a circle of bloggers, which I do not entirely frown upon. I'm not opposed to whoring as whoring can be good. Unless your blog is over-run by them or the whores are SEO, internet marketing, adult, lenders, pharmaceutical spammers, vying for your attention so they can get you to look at or sell you something that is 9 times out of 10 a complete waste of time. I like to catch spammers at their own game, baiting them with useless links and the possibility of actually being able to scam me. But 99.9% of them use fake email addresses anyway!

all potatoes

6) Meme tagging is an excuse to not write something interesting. How many times does the meme tag get used as a way to avoid posting something of substance? Well there is certainly nothing of substance here. So if you should happen to find it, please let me know. I've tried to find it but feel I am better at golf, and I suck at golf. That's because I hate golfing. Come to think of it I also have an absolutely horrid track record for following instructions.

for those days when you have to deal with inflamed a-holes

7) The Pain! The Pain! Meme tags are painful. They cause hemmoroids. Meme tags are entirely responsible for MASSIVE rectal damage. It's true. Because of how much time you spend sitting on your ass trying to keep up with meme taggings and then the comments. As a preventative cure I just shot an entire case of Preparation-H up my bung. I buy it in bulk just for these occasions.

8) Meme tags evoke a sense of elitism, like "we're special and you're not", even though everyone who blogs has done it before. So no one is really that special. Unless it's me. And when I say special I don't mean mentally challenged, I mean special like this.

So, since I've sorta, kinda, already done the meme by revealing eight pointless facts/habits about myself you never really cared to know about (if you were paying attention and caught it), at this point I'm going to break the rules some more. Well, not exactly break the rules. I'm going to CHANGE the rules. How's that? I just changed the rules! Rules are made to be broken... or at least bent. So get bent... RULES!

I will end this meme catastrophe simply by NOT tagging anyone!
Crimeny Jehosophat, tag EIGHT PEOPLE?! No way. That’s too many. Besides, I know I’m late to this party, hasn’t everybody already done this one? I would not inflict the pressure of a meme tag on my worst enemy. Every meme has to come to an end. Look, if you haven’t done it, go do it. Okay? No, on second thought don't.

RIPdogs Prepare to Meet RIPlolcats

Andy Fanton's sensation, the RIPdogs have seen their day. Like any internet fad they had their five minutes of fame and people grew tired of them. The internet was quoted as saying,

R u guyz serisly JUS now finding out about LOLcats n RIPdogs?
rofl I don understand y everythin has 2 b spelled rong, itz rather annoying.
RIPdogs already a passed phase, so u can haves them now, if you’d like.
We don’t want them anymore! U loze at Internet. RIPlolcats haz win.



Did I read that correctly?! RIPlolcats haz win! Sorry Andy. Meet my newest creation the RIPlolcats.

One day soon we can bring back RIPdogs with the "moment before it happened" shots like this.


Don't get me started on the RIPloldogs or those damned LOLruses.

Predictions for 2008

Wonder what predicaments, I mean, predictions might be in the works for the year to come? Well, so do I. Here's a few to mull over.
I wanted to know what my situation at work would be this year. What better place to do that than - job agencies with a personal touch. Here's what I got.

Hey thanks for your query, I have checked out everything about you and I predict that your ideal job Static is a Village Idiot. Good luck in your new career.

Yeah, thanks. Until there is a presidential opening that job is taken. Either way I guess not much is going to change in my case then?

Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.. Layabouts.. Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered! - Monty Burns

Where did you receive your training?' 'Yale.' 'Good, and what's your name?' 'Yim Yohnson.' - Anonymous

Since my dreams of becoming a weatherman have been crushed, I can no longer deliver predictions like -

And your future forecast says:
Chance of snow at night... a chance of morning hailstorms. Either way, it's a global warming trend you're still going to fry. 20 years from now when there's another ice age, you'll be crying it's too cold. Today's high 105F (94C). Today's low -5F (-20C). Winds out of the Northeast, South and Eastern Westerly direction at 155 to 265 mph.

Thought for today:
I'm not a real meteorologist, I just play one on the web.

Or you can just absorb these predictions instead.

In case you were planning on skipping most of 2008 in a drug-induced coma, I have taken the liberty of making some stellar predictions about the new year, designed as a sort of "Sparks Notes" for a 365 day boredom-fest. I'm pretty sure most of these predictions will come true, but if they don't you can't be all pissy about it.


- After a slew of pregnant celebrities finally unload their cargo, celebrity baby photos will replace the dollar in American currency. Canadians, eager to cash in on the new economic trends of their big brother to the South, will attempt to force their celebs to get pregnant and spit out kids. Sometime in March, they'll realize that Canada has precisely zero female celebrities, and will instead decide to print Looney Toons characters on the Canadian Loonies, in a cruel, sad, and decidedly unfunny development.

- After his playoff loss to the New York Giants, Cowboys' receiver Terrell Owens opens up a popcorn franchise entitled "T.O.P. C.O.R.N.", an acronym for "Terrell Owens' Pop Corn is Outstanding and Really Nice." His sales are abysmal.


- Valentines Day is renamed Buy Shit for Women Day.

- A contingency on Capitol Hill led by Senator Barack Obama proposes legislation to extend February 3 days into March in order to properly celebrate Black History Month. The bill does not pass, and Obama is subtly reminded by Congress that he really isn't "that black."


-On the heels of his Super Bowl win, New England Patriots' Quarterback Tom Brady proposes to his supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. Gisele happily accepts, releasing a statement that she was "relieved to be rid of the name 'Bundchen'," and "eager to get to know Randy Moss."

- Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich abruptly decides to drop out of the race for the White House. In a brief press conference, he shouts "Can't catch me lucky charms!" and flies away in a marshmallow hot air balloon.


- On April first, Paris Hilton declares to her fans that she has been tested and is STD free. She doesn't get the joke, but her doctor does, and so does the rest of the world.

-The Smashing Pumpkins release another album on the heels of Zeitgeist, their "pay-whatever-you-want" internet smash of 2007. This time, however, the band decides not to put the CD online. Instead Billy Corgan personally hides 500,000 copies of the album around the world, creating a scavenger hunt for the ages.


-Osama bin Laden is finally captured by United States forces stationed in Afghanistan. Amazingly, terrorist attacks continue to occur. Intelligent people around the world are not particularly surprised.

-The American Idol competition is abruptly put on hold while bureaucrats nationwide attempt to gather enough food to satiate last year's fourth place finisher Lakisha Jones, who has ballooned to 500 lbs. and taken over a small colony in Southern Massachusetts.


- Art Van Furniture has a really awesome clearance sale!

- The Boston Celtics capture the NBA Championship, leading to the drunken destruction of over 30% of the East coast. President Bush declares a state of emergency, but calls off the national guard two weeks later when he gets a sweet "Bush #1" Celtics uniform.


- A heat wave cripples the nation and drought wrecks most of the Southern United States. Most people decide to "check that global warming thing out one more time."

- Britney Spears dies at the age of 26, from an apparent drug overdose and Taco Bell binge. In an ironic twist, her 8-months pregnant sister Jamie Lynn decides not to wear panties to Britney's funeral. All of American witnesses the televised fall of its own standards and decency.


- Martha Stewart returns to jail on her own free will after drinking a little too much White Zinfandel and heading out to a party in a striped blouse and a polka dotted skirt. At least she matches in that orange jumpsuit.

- McDonalds unveils its new "Fit for Fat" clothing line designed for obese Americans who had one cheeseburger too many. Top sellers include the XXXL Double Cheese Pleated Pants and the McNightgown.


- 6 students from California Poly Technical Institute get laid after swooning a group of ladies in a heated session of World of Warcraft. They never log out again.

-Columbia University releases a study stating that hammerhead sharks can actually respond to a series of flashing lights and repeat up to ten of them in a given sequence. Instead of wondering why the hell their tax money is being spent on retarded experiments, Americans determine that sharks would make good "Simon" partners.


-Dave Chapelle is found in Nairobi. Coked out of his mind, Chapelle was trying to create an episode for his old show out of sticks, dirt, and a 4 lb. pile of his own feces. Everyone agrees to just let him be.

- Saw V is released, just in time for no one to give a shit. In other Halloween news, trick-or-treaters nationwide cause the deaths of 492 senior citizens who apparently thought travel-sized toothpaste tubes and pennies were better than candy.


- Hillary Clinton is elected as the next president of the United States, proving that 58% of Americans are dumb enough to think that if your spouse can do something well, so can you.

-Celebrity crackhead extraordinaire Amy Winehouse finally unwraps her beehive hairdo, prompting the discovery of three missing children, a koala, the pick of destiny and $1.65.


- For the first two weeks of December, the entire Midwest is deafened by the gloating of the rednecks who left their Christmas decorations up from last year.

- Santa Claus' reindeer are seized by PETA representatives, assuredly preventing the jolly old elf from delivering presents on Christmas Eve. But being a quick thinker, Claus instead ties the PETA people to his reigns. The presents take 253 days to deliver, but everyone gets a big kick out of it.

By The Gerk @

Viva Cuba!

Viva Cuba Gooding Jr.!

Cuba Gooding scared
Famous Cuban actor, Cuba Gooding Jr. scared witless by his own fame.

Show me the money! That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there! Anywho, enough with the Jerry Maguire references.

What I do have to share with readers today is a bevy of very interesting facts about the country of Cuba. Some Most I would have never imagined.

What is Gorilla Marketing?

In 2005 Gorilla Marketing was developed. Gorilla Marketing (or 'Gorilla Warfare') was invented by Che Guevara (a.k.a. "Chimp" Guevara), the world's foremost expert on all things related to Gorillas and Cuba.

Gorilla Marketing is a relatively new arsenal of advertising weaponry, and promotional products that humans go APE over! It combines an unconventional system of promotions on a very low budget. Or no budget really, gorillas come cheap.

By relying on gorilla time, gorilla energy, and gorilla imagination instead of big marketing budgets that were common in the ancient history of advertising; the end result is usually a lot of poo flinging, tire swinging, Samsonite luggage tossing and banana beatings, until the assailed individual(s) buy(s) the marketed product(s).

Sss! That's the sound a gorilla fart makes (another tactic commonly used.)

gorilla marketing

A frightening proposition since this gorilla likes teh butt secks.

Do You Suck At Photoshop?

Donnie Hoyle of walks us through seven episodes of Photoshop tutorials for those of us that truly suck at it. These tutorials, which are also avail on YouTube, are very handy and offer useful tips with some damned funny commentary to boot.

Anyway I have selected a particular video that just caught my eye on Digg and this was some hilarious shit. I'll give you some background: Donnie's four day hold-up at the airport makes for some heavy duty Photoshop diversion.

Clearly this tutorial showed the inner fat gas that is puffing up inside the beef rod and massages the bloated ego from the fleshy head just like an early season honey dew melon.

Fortunately for me, I am quite the photoshopper. I gots mad skillz yo. Just dig my newest creation I call "What Are You Doing?" Click the image to enlarge...

Free Image Hosting at

Ok. I suck, really it's ok. I'll try for something better next time...

Fuck It... My New Philosophy

Fuck It... it's my new philosophy now too.

F*ck It - watch more funny videos

How Much is Your Website Worth?

According to you can get a quick assessment of your site's worth.

"The estimated value of KRAPSODY is $1"

HA HA HA!!!!! Oh wow I can retire early folks!

I highly doubt anyone would pay that much, but it sure is interesting... if your idea of interesting is spooning with fat hairy bald men in a tub full of chocolate pudding (not that I've ever done that before). How much is yours worth?

Don't Look: Massive Shart in Progress

After Sarah Silverman's funny video "I'm F@ckin' Matt Damon" debuted on the Jimmy Kimmel Show a few weeks ago, it just adds a whole new twist on the late night show stand offs between Conan O'Brien, John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, Silverman's escapade of course prompted Jimmy Kimmel to strike back with his own response. If you haven't seen these then I have posted them here for your "viewing pleasure" (no pun intended).

This clip started the whole thing on the Jimmy Kimmel Show

And now another late night tv moment to be remembered.
Jimmy Kimmel is F@cking Ben Affleck Response to Matt & Sarah

All I can say is... sheesh. Pretty funny I guess, the Josh Groban spot and the list of stars involved in Kimmel's was golden, I can't even imagine Groban saying the word "f@ck". Doesn't it seems like these late night talk show hosts are really grasping for ideas? I dunno. Coincidentally, since everyone seems like they are sharing, I'm f@cking Marty Feldman.

Spamtasticly Spam-O-Ramalicious

Find your own damn russian mail order bride named Yulija! This one's mine.

Clicky -->

Yes, I'm very proud of my stupid forum postings. Am I a F-arse? But no, I am an ass.

Toothpaste For Dinner
Great original cartoon strip. What more can I say but this;

The IRS is on Crack

It's tax season, everyone's favorite time of year! Income taxes must be filed by the 17th of April this year here in the United States. And I still owe some back taxes from an audit on self-employment income I had a few years back that I've been paying off.

It's not a lot of money that I owe and I have done my best to make it right, calling them when I'm unsure of my balance, etc. but the IRS has been less than diligent in helping me keep track of or making it easy to keep on top of my account (ie. in phone calls they rarely ever give me the correct balance or information, they give erroneous advice, they never send me statements or update account information consistently, which should be every time I call or in monthly mailed statements with an envelope and invoice provided to send the next payment).

So here was my 50 minutes of misery, debauchery, and glee with the Internal Revenue Service by phone recently, which included only a few minutes of brief conversation that possibly ruined someone else's day... for a change.

The first 47 minutes of the call are a barrage of pre-recorded phone system wisdoms by an annoying female voice stating, "Please hang on, your call is very important to us. If you hang up now you only increase your wait time. Thank you for you patience."

Of course in between the obvious 'tardisms meant to pacify the insidiously ignorant, to the down right stupid folk who probably can't even figure out how a phone works are easy to shirk off, but when combined with 'the Nutcracker' theme song (which is a very pronounced and dynamic classical piece, violins, piccolos & nose flute cacophony which isn't even fit for elevators, a night at the theater or during the holidays) AND it's bellowing at ear bleeding volumes, no.

I swear I turned down the volume on the phone three separate times to avoid my ear drum blowing out the other side of my head! It's just a little annoying after 47 minutes.

Now I half expected some weak voice to answer the phone at any moment to which I wouldn't hear because I was deafened by a numb-Nutcracker-noisefest, to which I would immediately be hung up on because I was too dulled by the offensive swill they call muzak to respond to the representative in time, just to start all over again.

But noooo, just more of the same, "Please hang on, or not, we don't give a rat's ass you idiot, your call doesn't really matter to us. If you hang up now,
citizen #:74605-619641312-5200-465413-2165465 you only increase your wait time.
Thank you for you patience, when you owe us and we should be more attentive of that fact if we want to get our money from you voluntarily, sucker", of course followed by more ear piercing 'Skullcracker' devil music at uneven volumes getting ever louder by the minute as I am kept on hold...

Finally the line rings through and a voice on the other end straight out of 'Mr. Roger's "Creepy" Neighborhood' answers the phone.

"Good afternoon, this is Mrs. Kinkle, agent #:5555543626626261291...(can't be fookin arsed to recant!) How can I help youuuuu?!"

"Hi, Mrs... Kringle?"

"Yes, Kinkle, K-I-N-K-L-E, how are you today?"

At this point I'm bustin' up lauging inside, partly because the voice on the other end sounds more like a man, maybe a man pretending to be a woman or a woman on hormone treatments.... Possibly a pre-op tranny on hormone treatments?
I don't know, not that it really matters, it just was random and unexpected!
Also the persons' voice on the other end is monotonous but partly faked enough to sound animated.

Not to mention the name, ha! Holy sh*t the name! Kinkle.

"Good thanks, how are you? Kringle, I mean Kankle, oops, ha ha sorry Mrs. Kinkle." (Awkward) "Anyway, I filed my taxes recently and I want my refund to be used towards the remaining amount I owe for a prior tax year. Unlike last year when I was told my estimated tax payment would be used for the same but instead it was mailed back to me which I happily spent on a day of drunk and whore binging [sic]..." (figuring that's something a crooked government employee could relate to)

"I see that sir, yes any refunds due this year will be applied to your principal amounts owed. I just need your name, social security number, what you had for dinner last Tuesday, how many times you have urinated this past year and what your favorite color is." (I give her said information, then some including my shoe size)
"Okay, thank you sir. Now I am wondering, have you been making payments because I am showing your account is in... default?"

"Default, Krinkle? No, that isn't possible because I've made a payment every month since I last filed."

"Well I'm showing that you have made three payments this year sir and that one of them was applied to the wrong year. I'm also showing that one payment was late."

"I see, you do realise that this is February and that there've only been two months in the year thus far. What constitutes a payment applied to a "wrong year"? All my payments by check have been notated with my social security # on them and I assumed that they automatically would be applied to the tax year I owed on, does that make sense?"

"Well you should have noted the years your payments were to be applied to on your checks sir, and I still show you are in default because your last payment was received on February 2nd for the month of January. I'd be happy to re-instate a payment plan for you today at a one-time fee of $43.95"

"Hmmm, well I see that I've made more than three payments on the same tax year and if the mail was delayed for my January payment, then I fail to see how I am at fault and should be penalized for that. I also question this formal agreement or payment plan I am entered under with the IRS. Do you have any documentation with my signature stating my acknowledgment of a payment agreement and the fees associated with that?"

"Did you pay by check for all your installments?"

"Yes I always pay by check, paying my taxes which already accrue interest with a credit card that has a much higher interest rate would be financial suicide."

"What I can suggest is that you get a copy of your bank records showing the payments you have made to the IRS."

"Mmmmkay, I suppose I could take some extra time out of my day to prove my position as far as that is concerned. What then?"

"I'd be happy to look at your records for you, in the meantime I can set you up on a payment plan today for $105.00"

"What? I thought you said it was $43.95 a moment ago? If you are looking at my records on your system, can't you tell me what I've paid up to this point then? I prefer not to set up a "payment plan", especially if I'm not in the wrong and may not be reimbursed for entering into a new arrangement that shouldn't be in error in the first place. But unbeknownst to me, I have been duped into a fictional payment agreement I never signed or committed to but all of a sudden I am being penalized for a payment that is less than a week late? I don't understand."

"Sir, (sounding exasperated) what I'm showing is that you have made three payments and you are currently in default, now I'd be happy to pull your records and have a look at them further but without some proof of your claims that you had an arranged agreement prior to January 1st this year and you were making payments on time, then we have to set up a new agreement!"

"What? Ok, sheesh, fine. Whatever we need to do. Sometimes I swear the IRS must be on crack."

"Sir, I definitely do not like your attitude. I will not have you backtalk me in a professional phone call!"

"O-k..What I said wasn't meant personally. And honestly, I'm sure you deal with calls that are 10 times worse. Besides if you were in my shoes what would you be thinking? Something seems amiss here..."

(At this point I'm thinking; "Oh, well I guess a man pretending to be a woman on the phone working at the IRS can have a bad day when their hormones are raging" Honestly, I have no problem with a person's sexuality or sexual identity, only their attitudes, but such is my luck to encounter someone under special circumstances who is experiencing a bit of stress from more than one angle today)

"Mr. (Insert my last name here), I don't have to stand for this, this is a professional phone call. I am twice your age and I will not have anyone tell me that I am on crack! This is a professional phone call!!!!"

"Well my apologies, I didn't say you were on crack. I'm not quite sure how your or my age is relevant to the conversation and I also don't see this as a professional conversation anymore, you are sounding more and more unprofessional by the minute mostly because you haven't given me a straight answer nor have you looked at my records and directly addressed the questions I asked. This is a personal phone call for me, on my personal time and I have been perfectly civil. Your demeanor is unprofessional, your yelling because I remarked that the organization you work for must be on crack seems a bit reactionary and an excuse to get upset with me."

"Mr. (insert last name here) this is a professional phone call and I will hang up on you if you don't change your attitude right now!"

"Ok Mrs. Kinkel, I'm getting that someone is having a bad day and might have a few control issues, what is it about my tone that would illicit or justify the attitude and tone you are projecting at me?"

"Sir, do you want to speak to another representative today?!"

"Yeah, you know what Mrs. KANKLE KRACKLE FACE?! Actually that would be good, y'know someone who isn't waving their knuckle dragging arms in the air, flopping around in a fit of hysterics with veins popping out on their neanderthal-like brow, speaking to someone who also has less body hair than I do would be much preferred than trying to have an intelligent conversation with YOU. I'd rather be thrown naked into a pit full of rabid badgers. Thanks."


That biiiitch. I realised after the fact that Krinkle rhymes with dick wrinkle!
Ha ha, who has the last laugh now, Kinkle?! WHO I say?!

Okay, moral of the story?
When you put your money where your mouth is... Never assume you will be the one who eats it.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...