Showing posts with label party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label party. Show all posts

Ask Static: Festivity Level Critical

Q: Dear Static,
You seem like a party kinda guy. How do you throw the ultimate Christmas party? Some parties may be seen as fun in the eyes of a few - but may not be seen that way by others. So what do you do? Do you invite the people over for Christmas you know will like your party, or, those you prefer the company of, but probably won't like your party. Do you dismiss the idea of having any Christmas party at all?


Party Monster

A: Party Monster,

This is difficult to answer because, a party might be fun for some folks, but to others it may not. Because of this we find ourselves in a catch 22 situation. What do you do? I'll tell you what you do.

If you have ever thrown a Christmas party, the worst thing you could do is throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Because you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days later and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. ADEQUATE. REASONABLY ENTERTAINING. BUT SAFE AND...BORING! CONSIDER THIS EQUAL TO DEFCON 5 ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY SCALE.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. WE'RE GETTING WARMER. BUMP THIS UP TO DEFCON 4.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. NOW THIS IS THE WAY TO SPREAD THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! COULD BE EQUATED WITH DEFCON 3 OR DEFCON 2 READINESS DEPENDING ON THE INTENSITY OF RIOTING. PARTY CRASHERS NEED NOT APPLY AT THIS POINT, SINCE CHAOS HAS ALREADY ERUPTED.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. ALERT! ALERT! DEFCON 1!

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, PCP, and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.

If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility.

If you use enough PCP you won't have to worry about them getting anything but psychotic--but their alcohol toxicity level will probably lessen the possibility that they can carry out all of their impulses.

All you need to do then is pressure induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?!"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background)...Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem." (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn and spray painted all over it emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning. One is still behind the wheel, slumped over, their face pressed against the horn.) "See? Things are already starting to wind down."

****Note: Festivity Level Four has been endorsed by Black Santa Claus, who is taking Twitter by storm, five short days after I created an account for him. Which means...REDCON 1, COCKED PISTOL Y'ALL! =)
black santa claus

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Exceptions, of course, are if you're suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

666 People Visited This Site

Oh noes! According to Google Analytics... my blog received 666 visitors this past month. Which naturally must mean it's the devil's blog!

Idle hands do the devil's work, so apparently I am doing just that. I don't feel any different. Hold on, I hear the phone, just a sec...

"Hello? Who? Damien Thorn? Oh, yes, okay. Hi Damien. What's up? Hey everyone it's Damien Thorn!"

"Hello everyone. Static, how are you? Good to hear you are keeping me in business my friend."

"What business would that be exactly?"

"Why the fire and brimstone business you silly man! Ha ha, honestly where have you been?"

"Hmm, frankly I don't understand. I was just on vacation and then I had my birthday orgy, um party... I meant, so I don't see how I have been of any use to you-"

"Static! Stat, Statiroon. You are my right hand man. You can never leave the family. Now I'll just be needing you to write a story about Miley Cyrus, Hillary Duff and Charlotte Church having a four-way with Gary Coleman and they all have a rigorous bulimic binge and purge episode with Ho Ho's, Doritos and a plunger, all caught on tape. They then end up in rehab because of a nasty paint huffing habit. It will mostly be fictional of course and you can make up the rest, you're good at that you deviant little bastard, but this story will topple Hollywood head over heels and that is exactly what I want."

"What? I want to write whatever I want to. I want out of this, this is ridiculous! Who are you? Is this some kind of joke?"

"Stat, my good man. Don't be so dramatic. You wouldn't be disagreeing with me would you? It would be a pity if your dog got ran over by a bus tomorrow morning..."

"Uhh, yes, master. Your wish is my bidding."

"That's better. There, there."

"Oh, by the way Damien..."

"Yes, what is it now?"

"Has anyone ever told you when you were a child that you looked like that ugly ass freak Angus Young from AC/DC? You obviously copped his schoolboy look, you poser. Never had an original idea have you?"

"What?! Why you-"

"LOL LOL LOL! I bet you still pee your pants too!"


Ah, so sorry but that conversation had to be cut short since I was running out of patience with it.

OK, so we all know that 666 is the number of the Beast, but did you know these facts?

670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 -minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
???- Number of the Blonde Beast
uh... what was that number again?

It's Dark Down Here and Hell is Hot Baby!

See you in hell then?

Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me Happy Birthday to Me

Friends romans countrymen lend me your bank accounts. I am kajillion years old this Tuesday June 24th!

I've never felt younger in a pair of depends undergarments. Why I feel like I could... *cough cough hack hack* keel over and die any second...

But not until I've partied like it was 1999 in my birthday suit. Feel free to oil me up, sing me a birthday song, shower me with gifts, provide me with a chest waxing and stuff me with birthday cake (sans the candles, a kajillion candles would not fit on it, even if it was as big as Texas, Jennifer Lopez's butt, or Mick Jagger's lips put together, you get the picture).

Meh, just say hi if you care to!


Birthday Fire
p.s. don't forget a fire extinguisher.

Top 6 Health Hazards of Public Swimming Pools

Summer is almost here! Oh what fun it is. Beach parties, cookouts, days out at the local swimming pool unless you are one of the lucky ones to have your own backyard pool. But fun in the sun is just not all it's cracked up to be. Here's a quick list of things that you can catch at a public swimming pool or even the private backyard variety that you share with friends and family this summer. So beware, a sunburn could be the least of your worries.

diarrheas#1 - DIARRHEA
If you swallow pool water that is contaminated with traces of human waste, like if some kids butt wasn't totally wiped clean, the hearty bacteria floating around can be resistant to the chlorine in the pool water and be absorbed by your digestive tract giving you the runs. Oh joy! So don't swallow pool water. And if you do you take the risk of getting the hershey squirts. And please don't go swimming if you do.

#2 - RINGWORM Ringworm
Hi! My name is Ringy the Ringworm. If you don't shower and keep yourself clean, I'll surely come and visit you. I may even bring along a few friends, like Jacque Itcherts and Al Thleetsfeet. This fungal infection can create a reddish, ring-shaped rash that is often itchy but sometimes not. You can get it anywhere on your body including your toenails and if that happens they turn thick and yellowish then start to peel. So wear flip-flops in those damp locker rooms. And if you do get it, wrestlers who get it the most often having close contact with each other recommend treating it with Lamisil or Lotrimin, or both, and just for giggles put a lit blow torch over the infected area for safe measure.

#3 - WARTS
Warts are caused by a virus that is pretty common, starting out as small bumps that have a texture like cauliflower on your hands or feet. They can last a few years and might go away on their own, or take control of your entire body and mind. Again, wear your damn flip-flops in public areas that are damp and musty. Restrooms, locker rooms, your aunts kitchen. And for pete's sake don't share towels. If you get a wart you can buy medication to freeze them off or have a doctor do it.

Aww, look at the kids having fun playing in the pool. Don't they look like they're having fun? Well, they aren't afterwards! Swimmer's Ear is not a new swimming stroke or technique like the backstroke. When that pool water gets trapped inside your ear, germs that live in the water can cause an ear infection. Your ear may itch, become red and inflamed and/or drain pus. I was lucky enough to experience this once when I was a kid, only I had an inflamed ear canal, a raging headache, a sinus infection, I was dizzy and nauseous and to make it even more exciting it sounded like everyone who was talking to me was under water. That was fun. A week of this along with daily doses of Swim-Ear drops in my ear was that much more fun, I can't begin to tell you how exciting the experience was. Want to avoid it? Don't swim. Or at least don't put your head under water. And if you do make sure you shake the water out of your ears and dry them thoroughly with a towel. If that doesn't work try a q-tip or zap them for a few seconds with a hair dryer. Or don't and suffer the consequences.

This viral skin infection results in small white or flesh-colored bumps. Showing up anywhere on the body as single dots or in clusters. Usually painless you can get it from sharing towels or pool toys like floats. It could take years for them to disappear on their own so talk to a doctor about having them removed. Unless you want to look like a cucumber or have random people come up to you and connect the dots with sharpie pens.

And finally: #6 - MEN IN SPEEDOS
Well what can I say? Any man in a bikini is just disgusting.

Good gawd, it look like he has a load in his... diaper. As if gratuitous plumber-crack wasn't enough do you think his butt wasn't totally wiped clean? No, don't think about that. It's the beach anyway, we all know that ocean water is polluted. Sorry. Besides that might be me or even you in so many years. So be careful what you make fun of.

DUI Test Perfect Score

Comedy, thy name is Reno 911.

Nice moves. I used to be quite the dancer in my day too. Even when drunk, I always managed to find the toes of everyone else on the dance floor and crush them under my enormous stomping feet.

I have to know, what if the cop knows you are drunk but you can pass every test given, do you get a prize? Maybe they give you a free ride to the bar and buy you a few more rounds just to be sure. Then they put you behind the wheel of a car that has not passed safety inspection, like one wheel is bent, the steering is so loose if you touch it just the wrong way the steering wheel pops off and the brakes don't work. The driver flips the car three times and the cops are like, "yep, they're drunk." ?

Alcohol and the Children Don't Mix Well

Wrong on so many levels, this is obviously a case of alcoholic child abuse.

Holiday Anger Management - Part 3

Happy New Year! And happy house cleaning after it's trashed with wine, puke, garbage, broken household items and other party favors.

A New Years Eve hostess hounds her house party trashers.
When the New Year's Eve carnage was over, Tracie Egan was left with wine on her walls, vomit on her walk-out roof, broken possessions and a $450 cleaning bill.

A hole was punched in her apartment wall, the shower curtain ripped from its rod, her prized Dolly Parton poster sprayed with booze and, most vulgarly, a tampon left on the sofa like an unwanted party favor.

Forget resolutions. For this bitter 28-year-old hostess, it's all about reparations.

Queer Eye For the Santa Guy?


Only 3 days to go until Christmas, friends and neighbors.

Which means, of course, that this weekend will be Prime Holiday Party Time.

Lots of drinking, lots of unwanted mistletoe come-ons and a sleigh full of inappropriate gestures like this one:

I always wondered what happened to the leatherclad guy in the Village People....

Caption This

Here's a group of kids having fun.....?
But what about the one who looks a bit too eager, a psychotic future serial killer?
You decide.

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