Showing posts sorted by relevance for query Ask Static. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query Ask Static. Sort by date Show all posts

A Bedtime Story by Static part II

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a pissed off son of a bitch with a penchant for telling bedtime stories not fit for children aged 6-10...yes, I'm talkin' about me again.

Opening with the usual generic stock phrase that has been beat to death since the beginning of time when the first quasi human/simian creature could open it's gaping maw and utter grunts and groans that weren't even remotely considered language, it ends all the same.

Happenstance, these stories often also then end with "... and they all lived happily ever after", or, "happily until their deaths". I'm going with the latter, because that's just how I feel. So suck it up ya big pansies.

You didn't really think this story was going to end well, did you? This story is going to have a much different style and vibe. Who's the writer here, god dammit?

Interview with the Stampire

On my birthday a couple weeks ago (June 24), I sat down with my old buddy Kelly, aka 7masterheathen, writer for Psycho Carnival, and drank to celebrate another year that has passed. Boy, did we drink. It was only 9 am, but who cares? Kelly asked me to tell my epic life story: love, betrayal, loneliness, hunger and thirst. To be honest, I never knew what life was until it ran out in a red gush over my lips, my hands! So THIRSTY. So HUNGRY. Drinking certainly gives ya the munchies. I could barely keep myself from feeding on everyone in the bowling alley.

Ask Static

I recently sifted through my email and amongst the thousands of spams I receive, I occasionally get the love and hate mail. Usually with subject lines such as, "Hey Static, I love you! Will you be the father of my children?" or "Hey Static, you are an irredeemably licentious cock-faced parasite and a belligerent, web-polluting tainted spawn of a syphilitic swamp hog!"

These are always wonderful inclusions and quite refreshing next to such headings as "Same meds but much cheaper", "REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE", "Make $225,000 And More Every Day!", "do you want a bigger p3n1s?" Occasionally I just get asked a variety of questions. Albeit odd questions at times. So in response to this cry for help I've decided to start my own advice column: Ask Static! Eat your heart out Ann Landers.

Ask Static: Part Forsaken

Before I get to the nitty gritty of a reader's email, the fourth question for Krapsody's advice column, Ask Static, I trust everyone is having a good holiday so far this year. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours from Krapsody.

Be safe kids. We will have no drunken carousing while trying to shoot a turkey at the last minute, and taking out your foot instead. Also, please refrain from slaughtering turkeys in the background while a former vice-presidential candidate is doing a television interview. That is just really poor taste. Thank you.

Now that we have that covered, I'm sifting through the rubbish that is my email, and Great Scott, what's this? This one looks interesting. Yes, I think this one is quite good.

Ask Static: Part Tresbian

Yes, it's that time again folks. I get to answer your questions and offer a teaspoonful of my wisdom (anymore than that and you might gag or your brain could explode). I was recently contacted by a reader who has a rather unusual predicament. It seems she has a male friend who is a little bit too curious about her relationships with her girlfriends, if you know what I mean. No? Then read on to find out more...

Ask Static: The Fifth Element


shoot to kill And now...another moment of venting and rage spewed upon the intarwib and your unlucky eyeballs.




Ask Static: Exploding Elephant

Q: Dear Static,

I live in an apartment. I own an elephant (Ellie). Every time I feed her, she explodes! I spend the rest of my day cleaning and scraping her off my walls!! The next day she's back again and the same problem keeps occurring (??!!!). PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

Signed,

Elephantitis

Ask Static: A Trendy Alternative

Q: Dear Static,

I want an HTC Magic. Now. Can you help?

Signed,
Cell phone phreak

Ask Static: Festivity Level Critical


Q: Dear Static,
You seem like a party kinda guy. How do you throw the ultimate Christmas party? Some parties may be seen as fun in the eyes of a few - but may not be seen that way by others. So what do you do? Do you invite the people over for Christmas you know will like your party, or, those you prefer the company of, but probably won't like your party. Do you dismiss the idea of having any Christmas party at all?

Thanks,

Party Monster


A: Party Monster,

This is difficult to answer because, a party might be fun for some folks, but to others it may not. Because of this we find ourselves in a catch 22 situation. What do you do? I'll tell you what you do.

If you have ever thrown a Christmas party, the worst thing you could do is throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Because you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days later and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. ADEQUATE. REASONABLY ENTERTAINING. BUT SAFE AND...BORING! CONSIDER THIS EQUAL TO DEFCON 5 ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY SCALE.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. WE'RE GETTING WARMER. BUMP THIS UP TO DEFCON 4.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. NOW THIS IS THE WAY TO SPREAD THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! COULD BE EQUATED WITH DEFCON 3 OR DEFCON 2 READINESS DEPENDING ON THE INTENSITY OF RIOTING. PARTY CRASHERS NEED NOT APPLY AT THIS POINT, SINCE CHAOS HAS ALREADY ERUPTED.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. ALERT! ALERT! DEFCON 1!

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, PCP, and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.

If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility.

If you use enough PCP you won't have to worry about them getting anything but psychotic--but their alcohol toxicity level will probably lessen the possibility that they can carry out all of their impulses.

All you need to do then is pressure induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?!"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background)...Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem." (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn and spray painted all over it emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning. One is still behind the wheel, slumped over, their face pressed against the horn.) "See? Things are already starting to wind down."

****Note: Festivity Level Four has been endorsed by Black Santa Claus, who is taking Twitter by storm, five short days after I created an account for him. Which means...REDCON 1, COCKED PISTOL Y'ALL! =)
black santa claus

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Exceptions, of course, are if you're suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.



Ask Static: Part Duh

Static,

Do you really look like that? Is that your hair? My what big eyes you have, are they yours? By the looks of your avatar you seem like you need medication... Well, do you? (etc. etc. ad infinitum)



Since I became a member of the BlogCatalog community, many users at have been asking me if my avatar is truly a picture of me.

Although I can only aspire to be as handsome, as charming, and as enthusiastic looking as that fine fellow is, I cannot take complete credit for it. The image in my avatar is in fact, the one and only, Arsenio Hall. My avatar is from a film clip that he had a brief appearance in which is called 'Amazon Women on the Moon', a 1987 film written by comedy duo Michael Barrie and Jim Mulholland.

A Complete Disclaimer


Here is a complete disaster.... I mean, a Complete And Really Thorough Disclaimer for Krapsody readers. Pay special attention to the small print.





Disclaimer

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS ON THIS SITE ARE FICTIONAL AND HAVE NO RELATION TO ANY REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD. And yet, somehow, they still do. But by Dickens it's in the public domain. The Opinions Expressed here do not Necessarily Reflect Those of a Rational Mind. In addition the author is prone to ramble a lot.

Before relying on the material accessed from Krapsody, users should carefully evaluate its accuracy, currency, completeness, relevance for their purposes, and should obtain appropriate professional advice relevant to their circumstances.
Krapsody includes information provided by third parties and in some cases a fourth party, it's all one big party. So party on Wayne. Material provided by ANY parties has not been independently verified or validated. So don't give us krap if it's wrong. Additionally, no warranty either expressed or implied as to the use, accuracy or completeness of any materials provided or accessed from Krapsody is available to any user of the krap contained herein.

Krapsody is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that Krapsody may cause nausea, fatigue, cognitive dysfunction, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if Krapsody is right for you.

FAQ's


Q: On what novels or literary works were Kubrick’s films based?

A: They were based entirely upon my imagination. Thinking they were utter shit, I sold my concepts to Kubrick for mere pennies on the dollar..which of course he made millions on...that rat bastard.


Q: How long did Popeye’s spinach "fix" last?

A: The Popeye cartoons were never consistent in depicting exactly when Popeye needed spinach and how long the effects would last. In many, many cartoons, he is able to do superhuman stunts, withstand lots of punishment, and escape dangerous situations BEFORE he eats any spinach! And in other cartoons, he eats lots of government cheese throughout the film in order to do anything extraordinary, so obviously, spinach must wear off!!! In the event that both spinach and government cheese did not work, only rarely, and in EXTREME situations, did Popeye ever shoot meth into his eyeballs. Which led to a stroke, that's why he has that one eye that always squints.


Q: How can I protect myself from alien abduction?

A: 1.) Make a tin foil hat.
2.) Make tin foil underwear, particularly concentrating on your anal area (we all know how much they like to probe there).
3.) Stock up on canned cat food and hide in your basement. Don't come out until I say it's safe.


Q: Do Mormons wear special undergarments?

A: Latter-day Dimwits (a very small obscure sect of Mormons), who have been to their sacred temple, with their many sacred under-age wives, wear sacred garments under their regular sacred clothing to remind them of the sacred covenants that they have made with their sacred Gawd. They are then forced to commit sacred acts of adultery with heathen goats.


Q: If my home is infested by a demon, can I beat it on my own?

A: Anything is possible but I would have to say that you would need the help of either a psychiatrist or a clergyman. I would not suggest that you try to do it on your own. The first issue here is determining that you have a demon in the first place. Unless you have completely bizarre things happening, it can be difficult to be sure just what you are dealing with. However, if you are sure that the problem is demonic, my advice is to find someone who is experienced in dealing with that type of paranoid delusional bullshit.


Q: I want to play beer pong, but I don’t like beer. Is this okay?

A: Sure, if you're a wussy. Unless it's with Tequila. Then you're tough as nails. But if it's with milk, soda, Shirley Temples, bottled spring water, or anything other than an alcoholic beverage then you're a total wimp. Actually, if you're playing beer pong at all, you're a total idiot. Now go flog yourself with a tube sock soaked in malt liquor and say 200 Hail Marys, like this:
"Hail Mary, full of grease. Th' Lo'd is wif thee. Blessed art thou among wimmen, an' blessed is th' fruit of thy womb, Jebus. Holy Mary Jane, Mammy of Gawd, pray fo' us sinners now, an' at th' hour of death. RAmen, as enny fool kin plainly see."


Q: You're not very funny. Are you really a "humor blogger", or do you do anything else?

A: I'm..I'm NOT funny? Oh my. Really? Good gosh, golly gee willikers. It appears I've been wasting my time.

Unless you consider this, this, this, or this, and possibly, maybe this.
If you don't shat yourself reading those..then, I HAVE been wasting all my time.

Socrates once said, "The only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing." So..did Socrates have a sense of humor? However, following your advice, I've also come to the sudden realization that nobody takes comedians seriously. That's why I've decided to become a plumber.



For more answers to your most urgent questions that have not been covered here:

please read the full DISCLAIMER (the short version is here)

or readers may refer to the Ask Static archives if they still "don't get it"







Mayan Death Toad Destroys World Today

Friday December 21, 2012 (Krapsody) — In case you didn't get the memo: The world is coming to an end! Over two thousand bazillion years ago the Mayans predicted a giant death toad was going to appear in the sky, it will eat the sun and rays will shoot out of it's eyes destroying the universe as we know it.

Now I know some people are going to want to lick it, but the Mayan Death Toad won't have it. This is no time for last minute wishes or regrets. Too late. There's no escape. Just ask people in time zones ahead of us, like in China or Australia. But you can't because they're all gone! If you have been told that China and all it's people are still there, you're wrong! The cunning Mayan Death Toad knows how to trick people. It's had over two thousand bazillion years to prepare for this moment!

Thought For The Day No. Six

clowns Today's story: The Lulzercaust Campaign Trail of Tears.

While doing some investigating on my Google Analytics account I discovered that within our beloved country, I am missing out on some big love. Namely, two states that seem oblivious to the existence of Krapsody. In this day and age the question is how?

Institutions of Jocularity Part III: Funny Tax Laws


uncle sam wants you to bend over
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
- the IRS man
















After my post about the Internal Revenue Service last year, I just can't help but find more fodder for amusement whenever I deal with them. This installation of Institutions of Jocularity addresses tax laws that make you go, "hunh?"

As I was doing my taxes this year I looked up some information to see what kinds of income is considered taxable. Well, guess what? Surprises, surprises. Never a dull moment.

As a recipient of student loans and grants last year, I wanted to double check what the guidelines were for 2008 in receiving those payments, and if any of it was considered taxable. Some of it can be considered taxable, but only if it goes over a certain amount above tuition costs.

In my research, I also found some other interesting information about miscellaneous income. Just what is considered taxable income according to the U.S. Internal Revenue Service? Some of these are quite funny.


Bribes. If you receive a bribe, include it in your income.

Car pools. Do not include in your income amounts you receive from the passengers for driving a car in a car pool to and from work. These amounts are considered reimbursement for your expenses. However, this rule does not apply if you have developed car pool arrangements into a profit-making business of transporting workers for hire.

Emotional distress. Emotional distress itself is not a physical injury or physical sickness, but damages you receive for emotional distress due to a physical injury or sickness are treated as received for the physical injury or sickness. Do not include them in your income.

If the emotional distress is due to a personal injury that is not due to a physical injury or sickness (for example, unlawful discrimination or injury to reputation), you must include the damages in your income, except for any damages you receive for medical care due to that emotional distress. Emotional distress includes physical symptoms that result from emotional distress, such as headaches, insomnia, and stomach disorders.

Found property. If you find and keep property that does not belong to you that has been lost or abandoned (treasure-trove), it is taxable to you at its fair market value in the first year it is your undisputed possession.

Illegal activities. Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

Kickbacks. You must include kickbacks, side commissions, push money, or similar payments you receive in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

Example.

You sell cars and help arrange car insurance for buyers. Insurance brokers pay back part of their commissions to you for referring customers to them. You must include the kickbacks in your income.



Stolen property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.


Pretty disconcerting, hunh? You think anybody that crooked (or lucky in some instances) would actually be stupid enough to report any of those earnings listed above?

To add insult to injury, millions of Americans enjoying their small windfall from President Barack Obama's "Making Work Pay" tax credit are in for an unpleasant surprise, not only this spring, but next year too. The government is going to want some of that money back.

The tax credit is supposed to provide up to $400 to individuals and $800 to married couples as part of the massive economic recovery package enacted back in February. Most workers started receiving the credit through small increases in their paychecks in recent months.

But new tax withholding tables issued by the IRS could cause millions of taxpayers to get hundreds of dollars more than they are entitled to under the credit, money that has to be repaid at tax time.

At-risk taxpayers include a broad swath of the public: married couples in which both spouses work; workers with more than one job; retirees who have federal income taxes withheld from their pension payments; Social Security recipients; jackolopes and other small furry woodland creatures with jobs that provide taxable income; and even people without jobs including the homeless, and those whose income is only peanuts and pocket lint.

The Internal Revenue Service acknowledges problems with the withholding tables but has done little to warn average taxpayers. Wow, what a novel idea..advance warning or notice..providing problem-free withholding tables?

These were probably the same math geniuses that AIG and Bank of America hired. Sometimes 2 + 2 doesn't equal 4, I guess in this case it equals -786,999,999,996...

that's 786 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 996 dollars - and 4 more dollars would equal the president's economic stimulus plan.

Actually, the monies are being paid under a new program known as GIT-MO-TO-VO-EX-FU-LA (an acronym for:)

GIT the MOney TO the VOters, EXplain the Fuck Up (self explanatory) LAter.

Hey, it takes the IRS to screw up the tax tables, and more than one president to screw up the economy. I don't think any of that was in the plan. Shit happens, constantly. If there's one constant in the universe it's not how much idiots suck, it's that shit happens.

But I guess everyone is entitled to a 'mulligan' once in a while.

Did ya file your taxes and get a nasty surprise? Luckily, I didn't notice much of a tax credit this year, but I'll be keeping a close eye on my paychecks so I don't end up owing these assholes more money. And if I do, I'll be taking advantage of my mulligan card.

This tax table fiasco must be part of a vast political conspiracy...perhaps an attack from left-wing right-wing chicken-wing representatives and their ass-kissing pundits? Depends on who you ask, but my money is on impartial, unaffiliated, unbiased incompetence, otherwise known as the Pass The Buck Party which states one mission > To blame somebody, anybody other than the people who are actually responsible.

And if you did get screwed by this already, well bend over, there's more of that where it came from..courtesy of Washington. And remember, votes do count. Until next time!


----------------
Listening to:

"Taxman" - The Beatles
"Money" - Pink Floyd
"I'm Gonna Force Feed that IRS Man My Tax Money in Pennies, Bitch" - Static


Institutions of Jocularity Part II

Tue Feb. 03, 2009

Dingleberry, USA (Krapsody) - The other evening while looking at the moon through a telescope I saw a few people screwing around up there, as if that wasn't alarming enough one of them had a telescope and they noticed me watching them. This Buzz Aldrin lookin' bastard gave me the finger and then mooned me. Not much else to say about that. But I managed to get a picture.

Can You Hear Me Now?


cellphone murder

"The inability to stay quiet is one
of the conspicuous failings of mankind."

- Walter Bagehot, 1826-1877












I'm sure you've all been asking yourselves "where has that wild and crazy guy, Static been?" I'll tell you in this torrid tale, just for your inquiring minds that will make your socks shoot off your feet, right into the dirty clothes hamper. It's about damn time too, they were starting to get all crunchy it's been so long since ya changed 'em. Hasn't it?

My gripe of the week: Goddamn cellphone tards! Consider yourself warned.

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