The Writers Guild Strike

Imagine if the Writers Guild of America strike continues and they just pull in average Janes and Joes off the street to write episodes for our favorite shows?

This is what it might be like:

Steve Carell in a unanimous decision will be written out of future episodes of "The Office". He will inform staff he's unable to report to work because he is suffering from “enlarged balls.” I can't wait to try this one at work.....

"House" will get a new character called "Dr. Doom and Gloom", who will be twice the sourpuss Dr. Gregory House is. His trademark will include informing patients that they only have six months to live after they've been examined and found to just have the common cold.

"Desperate Housewives" stars will find their characters having multiple orgies with each other. They will murder/suicide each other off one character at a time until there are none. The show will then consist of three weeks of static until it is taken off the air.

The final episode of "Lost" will be written by Polish and German street performers who will give a very interesting take on what it really means to be "Lost"--the fact that the survivors of "Lost" will be found! ...On a tiny island 5 miles off the coast of Tasmania. Segue to a horrendous polka musical version of the entire series of "Lost" that will be re-enacted in 30 seconds, followed by a tedious three hour recap of this episode.

Late Night shows like "Conan", "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno", and others will be written by homeless persons handpicked off the streets of L.A., who despite being drunk, strung out on drugs, or in some cases criminally insane, will condense all the shows with the same scripts. They will tell the same jokes, have the same skits, and in some cases even the same guests--including broadcasting unknowns via webcam in N.Y. to shows in L.A. and vice versa. Yes, none of it will make sense. Leno/Conan/Kimmel's opening lines every night will consist of "Why did the chicken cross the road?" and "Yo momma so ugly" jokes.

"Heroes" will turn into a pornographic version where all characters on the show use their powers to get "jiggy with it". The catch phrase "Save the cheerleader, save the world" will be replaced by "Screw the cheerleader, screw everyone and everything in sight". Of course certain sectors of the general public will be intrigued by this turn of events--and will actually tune in--making "Heroes" a once again never ending go nowhere popular series.

The "Daily Show" will be written only once a month thus becoming "The Monthly Show"...

"Battlestar Galactica" will start featuring characters and re-enacting scenes from "Star Wars", "Star Trek", and "Doctor Who". The Wookies will destroy the Cylons and the Klingons will kill everyone.

Or maybe we'll all just be stuck watching "Knightrider" and "Walker: Texas Ranger" reruns?

Comic Billy Eichner talks to people on the street about the ongoing writers strike.

The Fifth Element = Blonde Bimbo Lesson

Bimbo (def) per Urban Dictionary:
A girl who is not so bright, wears lots of make up and is obsessed with boys, shopping and clothes. Generally blonde but there are exceptions.
You can spot them because they will be the big group of girls that all look the same and are giggling hysterically.
Woman who is not attractive enough to be a model, not intelligent enough to be an actress, and not nice enough to be a poisonous snake.
A bread brand that has been discovered on holiday in spain...can also be found in south america.

What can we learn from a bimbo?

Watch the outtakes around 3:40, it speaks volumes.

A totally unrelated topic:
I wonder what the meaning behind the word "jactitation" is?

Truth be known, I might have been a straight 'A' student if I had more teachers like her... nah! I wouldn't have gotten any work done. I would have been in a constant state of jactitation.

It Takes All Kinds

Little Rock, AR - Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on State Highway 38 early one Monday morning.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a cat-gigging trip. (Note to city slickers, cat-gigging, or cat-sticking, is how, armed with a small pitchfork), you catch cats from the bayou bank.

Cats make a tasty supper.. ? . . . apparently.

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.

Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White river Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right

The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might now be dead!" said Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for I0 years in this part of the world," said Deputy Snyder, "but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how the accident happened."

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavina, Poole's wife, asked how many cats the boys had caught, and did anyone think to get them from the truck.

"True" story. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

World-wide hops shortage, sucks for beer drinkers

According to a recent NPR broadcast there is a world hops shortage.
The report clearly outlines harbingers of the apocalypse!

World-wide hops shortage = bad times for beer drinkers


Thanks to what I can only assume are a series of "global warming" calamities- Australian drought, European hail storms and American heat- the world supply of hops is at an all-time low. Enter the grim arithmetic: you need hops to make beer. When you run out of hops, you run out of beer. And the existing beer gets way more expensive. As much as 10 per cent more expensive, in fact.

Conclusion: all kinds of bad news.

Apparently, brewers may have to discontinue certain kinds of beer, and look for hops alternatives to continue making others. Brian Titus, president of Halifax’s Garrison Brewing Company, had this to say:

“It’s bordering on disastrous actually. If you don’t have hops then you don’t have beer. So maybe you find something that smells similar but doesn’t have the same taste profile and it doesn’t have the same bitterness.”

In other words, find something that tastes nothing like beer. Super duper.

Nunc Scio Labs reports that development of my own hops substitute, Faux-Hops or ‘Fops’, is proceeding apace. However, roll-out is being complicated by a trademark lawsuit launched by the “Mincing 17th Century Pantaloon-wearing Dandy Enthusiasts” club out of Salzburg, who claim to own the rights to the word Fop. Damn dandies.

Sweet, sweet hops. Thou art a cruel mistress.

If the mark of a true man is how he performs under severe duress then we are about to separate the men from the boys. Needless to say I’ll fall into the ‘cry like a schoolgirl’ type of boy.

Too bad they don't have 'global beer map' to find a cool one, it's because of those limeys in the UK where beer is cheaper than water.

Thanks Britain!

The top 15 scares for men

What scares the krap outta the male species?

Guys may discuss some fears. Here are ones they won't.


You probably think you know what frightens most men. A long-weekend at the in-laws' place. Antiquing. Shopping. Running out of beer in the third quarter. But that's just the stuff he'll admit to being afraid of, which, by definition, means they're not his true deep fears. So how can you determine what those are? Easy: They're the ones he'll almost never talk about. But I will.

Let's count down through the Scary Fifteen:

#15 Hair in the drain. The first sign of male pattern baldness brings a man face-to-follicle with a skimpy aspect of his future. And it's always earlier than he expects or wants (which is, like, never). Logically, men know that baldness is as much of a part of life as Leno making Britney jokes. Logically, men know that being bald doesn't mean that they're any less smart, virile, or successful. Logically, men know that women don't care how much hair their men have. Logically, men know there are plenty of bald men who are comfortable in their skin--no matter how much of it they're showing. But when it first happens, it feels like stepping on a scale and being 20 pounds heavier or waking up in high school with a quarter-sized nose pimple. It's the inevitable and uncontrollable change in appearance that men try so desperately to protect. Maybe even more importantly, this moment when a man starts losing his hair says a lot about him-whether he's cool enough to handle it, or anxious enough to attempt to deny it with combovers, Rogaine, or faith healers.

#14 Getting caught noticing another woman.  A man's instinctual response to visual stimulation very rarely has anything to do with his current relationship or how he feels about it. But his lizard brain reacts instantly, and before he knows he's doing it, he's looking at someone else. We hate having to explain behaviors that even we don't fully understand.

#13 Rejection. Doesn't matter whether it happens after a job interview, or at a bar, or on the basketball court. And remember, there's a difference between losing and being outright rejected. Men can handle losing a game or having a bar conversation disintegrate into nothing. But the proud creatures that men are, they hate having their shots blocked. Mainly, that's because it means that someone else has the upper hand-and is gloating about it.

#12 Super Nanny.

#11 Speedos.

#10 His dad's death. It's his most powerful moment of a reflection, as he thinks about his own mortality. Becoming the family patriarch is heavy stuff. For many men, it's a life-changing moment, because they think about what their fathers did for them and what they failed to do. The next step: Considering what they need to do to be better dads and better men themselves--which means they must confront their own failures, as well. That's a lot for a grief-stricken man to deal with. He should get some latitude to do that in his own way. For him, reaching out may be through what seem like misdirections--more chatter about fishing with friends, an extra set of tickets to the Phillies showdown with the Mets. But guys need a reason to get together; the talk will come during a slow point in the 6th inning, or in the car on the way home.

#9 Her tears. Men know it's natural, that women need to do it, and that it's a signal that they better provide something more than just a tissue-even though many men have no clue what that something might be. Men have been told that women cry for all kinds of reasons-to release some emotions, to get our attention, or just because dammit, The Bachelor rose ceremony is so stinkin' sad. Men want to do the right thing, but because men don't navigate those falling waters very often, they probably do the wrong thing more often than not. Which is another reason why they fear her emotional tsunami.

#8 Being a lousy lover. Of all the things that men want to happen in bed, pleasing their women ranks near the top of the list, according to a national Men, Love, and Sex survey by Harris Interactive. Men hate to think that women may be bored, unimpressed, or unsatisfied. Maybe it's an ego thing (okay, it is an ego thing), but men do very genuinely care about how much pleasure a woman is having in bed. That's why the faking thing drives men so crazy. To men, feigned pleasure is code for: You're so damn terrible at this, but there there, little fella, I'm gonna make you feel good about your inadequate self. Men want to know what women want, and they want to be successful in delivering it.

#7 Not being a god to his kids. There comes a time when men don't care much about what strangers, co-workers, friends, in-laws, or anybody else thinks about them. But when a kid articulates his father's flaws, it's the ultimate heart crumbler. Men know that sometimes they work too much or are too short-fused or simply fall short on the hero-dad meter, but deep down, they know it's the most important job that they're going to do. And if they don't do it right, they know there's a significant chink in their masculine armor.

#6 Living paycheck to paycheck. Even though men aren't the only hunters and providers anymore, they still feel a deep evolutionary pull to provide the backbone and protection for their tribe. When men lose money, can't make enough money, or are scrounging for money, it can be an emotional disaster-it makes them feel like they're losing control in their lives.

#5 Beautiful women. Few things intimidate men more than IRS audits and 12-foot birdie putts. A beautiful woman is one of them. A beautiful woman-whether spotted at work, in bookstores, driving in the next lane, anywhere-simply has the power to turn a man of steel into creamed corn. Men know this. Men try to resist this. Ultimately, it's a challenge. Beauty may be a short-lived form of power, but it is profound, and nearly all men cower before it. It can make them do really, really stupid things.

#4 Getting naked. Ladies shouldn't think that they're alone in fleshy hang-ups. Guys are just as concerned about what women will initially think about their body hair, muscles, guts, toes, and other parts. Men are deeply aware that they can be too fat, too skinny, too hairy, too smelly, and while men are eager to revel in a woman's body, they also share anxiety about revealing their own.

#3 Tofurky...................Yes, tofurky.

#2 Not seeing his kids grow up. Death, of course, scares everyone-not so much for the bad stuff that may happen to them, but for missing out on all the good stuff that will happen to their kids. Or, worse yet, not being around to protect them from the bad stuff.

# 1 Public humiliation. Here's one that will make even the strongest men cave: Looking weak. Whether a man is extremely secure-or insanely insecure-about himself, he's worries that he'll look incompetent, idiotic, or both. Doesn't matter whether it's a zipper malfunction, an off-color joke he mistakenly slips in during a speech, a dismissive statement by a boss in a department meeting, fumbling the fly ball at a softball game, getting arrested for fighting after his kid's soccer game, whatever. It's one thing to make mistakes. But making the reputation-damaging ones in public is tough to take. That's because as much as men try to protect their homes, their families, their appearance, and their jobs, perhaps the most nerve-wracking job of all is protecting the thing they can't cure with money, with effort or with laser hair removal: their reputations.

What secretly scares you? Fess up and share it here or forever stay neurotic.

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